Having more kids than you feel ready for

gold21

Wed, May 24 2017, 2:04 am

I think "managing" means different things to different people. It's interesting. Different people are comfortable relying on different shortcuts to get them through the day. I don't buy the whole Supermom thing..... I think the majority of us are similar in how well we cope with the demands of life.

Yes, some women really do have limited coping mechanisms and some women really do have superior coping strategies (and an incredible amount of energy). But I'm talking about the majority.

So, yeah, I think it's important to frequently reevaluate how you're coping with things and work from there. Don't push yourself too hard and try to fit some unrealistic image of a supermom. Cuz for the most part it's not a real thing. The more "adulting" I do, the older I get, the more I become aware of the shortcuts that people take to cope with their lives. There's no real secret except taking shortcuts.

amother

Salmon

Wed, May 24 2017, 3:27 am

amother wrote:

I'll bite. Im op of failing miserably thread.

#1 happened 6 wks after my wedding.
#2 I had 2 yrs later. I thought bc was for serious mental or physical issues. I didnot know its for im x sure abt it...

Thanks to imamother I learned bc is more accepted at least until baby is 2. So I took a little break but felt like I had to get off bc when baby was 2 cuz both were same gender so no peru urevu yet. (btw I didnt get a heter for this reason. Rav said 3 mnths spermicide and I needed more security than that . Just did it on my own)
.

I don't think that Rabbonim are properly trained when it comes to dealing with woman asking for a heter for bc. One of my friends asked and was told she should wait a year and than come back. The whole year she was so uptight and kept thinking that she will need do become pregnant soon that it interfered with her ability to get back to herself. Thereafter he told her she can wait as long as she needs. Another example is that someone was told to wait six months and didn't realize to come back after six months to ask again and instead became pregnant. And lastly I am the OP of the foster care thread. My husband just went to the Rav and the Rav said to come back in six months. I really don't know what my husband said to him. I asked my own Rav if a woman is ever made to become pregnant if she doesn't feel emotionally ready and he said no. That's all I ever really needed to know .

amother

Pearl

Wed, May 24 2017, 3:39 am

Just yesterday I went to a social worker for the first time. I told her every area that I am not managing and I could use assistance. That's what she was looking for. She can't help me in the areas that I'm doing well in.
I am expecting my sixth. I'd rather be taking a break now. But there are many reasons beyond the number of kids I have that are making life difficult.
What I'm saying is that a social worker is often only shown the negative side so that they get help, and the number of kids can often not be the reason that the the home is flailing.
If my problems in two distinct areas are solved, then everything else should be able to fall into place.

amother

Blue

Wed, May 24 2017, 9:01 am

I am nervous, I am going to have 2 little ones at home again, and the toddler gives me a run for my money. but I did it before and I can do it again. everyone is excited for the baby. the toddler was super hard clingy nursing like a newborn, things were hard. I had to get used to doing what I could. now, a changed kid. sleeps through the night and doesn't nurse round the clock, dc was worth it. even though it was hard. also I lowered my standards. of what makes a happy home so there is a bucket of lego in my kids room that is all over the floor. I can give my kids' their clothes to put away in the room. not everything has to be 100% tidy all the time. also suppers. whatever. the simpler the better. that is what they like anyway. I look that the recipes in the magazines and say that looks good. one day I might make them or my kids, but right now simpler food it is.
some things are hard like having a child do homework who doesn't want to. special needs kids and their peckelech. etc but I do think that it can be mindset. was this baby a surprise yes but a good one.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, May 24 2017, 10:08 am

gold21 wrote:

Can you share some? I ll take anything to make my life easier. Do you mean things like frozen food for supper, etc..?

Also, I am someone who says all day I'm not managing. I don't have tons of kids and they're not even so close together. I just have such a hard time with all of it.

But it's not like I'm the type of woman who you look at and think 'oy she doesnt look like she's managing' I look like everyone else.
My life is not so hard bh. My kids are regular well adjusted kids. They're taken care of, fed, clean, etc.. it's just how I feel. Its my personality. I am easily stressed. I get overwhelmed from little things that other ppl take in stride. I have ADHD and have zero executive functioning skills. And I have very little energy. These things make parenting and housekeeping very hard. And by the time 8:00(am) comes, I feel like I'm ready to collapse. Doing the whole morning routine and getting kids onto their bus, all with a toddler underfoot really takes a toll. And that's day after day. I don't want to ever get off birth control.
Now that I think abt it, Im sure a big aspect is how much the dh is around and helps.

esther36

Wed, May 24 2017, 10:40 am

I am from a big family and I can't tell u how close my siblings and I r to each other. Yes we fought as kids but now we really are best of friends. I have one sibling with 11 children Keh. Totally manages, cooks gourmet meals, house always neat and clean, kids put together and so is she. Her kids r by nature very easy going well liked kids. She has a lot of cleaning help and her husband helps her a ton! Another sibling has three children and totally doesn't manage. Has a difficult husband, three kids with various emotional, behavioural issues and she totally doesn't cope! Barely puts supper on the table, complains how exhausted she always is and her kids aren't little anymore... So the amount of kids doesn't have as much to do as the Dynamics of each couple and family!

amother

Crimson

Wed, May 24 2017, 11:00 am

my parents had 11 kids and I don't think at that time everyone thought so hard before each baby if theyre ready for it. sometimes it was harder and sometimes it was easier but today im surely glad I have so many siblings its so nice in so many ways.

on the other hand Im married now with one baby and I keep thinking how people do it besides providing kids theyere physical needs how do you raise kids to be healthy indviduals with the right principals and values. I do want to have a big family but definetly not anywhere close to double digit numbers.

I greatly admire those people that do what feels right and I admire those larger families that weather the storm bravely and deal with all the challenges that come along with having a large family

I think it really depends on a lot of factors we cant know everyones life. I think it depends a lot how financially secure you are if you could get help, ur physical state of mind etc.

amother

Seashell

Wed, May 24 2017, 11:12 am

Sure, I appreciate my siblings now that I'm an adult. That doesn't take away from the fact that we were emotionally neglected as children, with lasting repercussions for many (all?) of us. I don't think my parents thought too hard before having each child, and they didn't realize we were emotionally neglected either. What's my point? Let's all be conscious and honest with ourselves about truly meeting the needs of every child.

amother

Crimson

Wed, May 24 2017, 11:34 am

amother wrote:

I agree with you!! an adult has to be responsible with what choices they make in life I say theres birth control for a reason and no its not for only mentally or pysicall ill people. and not because everyones popping babies all the time im going to go and kill myself cuz I should have a kid yearly like really now its a lot more then being pregnant and having a baby...........

amother

Seafoam

Wed, May 24 2017, 11:47 am

Ok to clarify my op - I grew up in a yeshivish community where people had very large families and now in the course of my work I'm finding out how many of these families were/are doing terribly. Of course I mostly see the ones who aren't managing and that was whom my question was directed at. I also see people who feel like they have no choice and I cannot understand it. I understand how so many are in dead ends financially because of what we were taught and how we were raised, and so many years were lost - as it's hard to start a career at 30+. But when it comes to kids there's a point where you can stop, and I don't understand how people keep going when they are complete not coping. My post was not directed at people who are managing and happy. That's a completely different topic...

amother

Crimson

Wed, May 24 2017, 11:56 am

amother wrote:

Some people were never taught that there's a point where you have to stop having kids. some people were brought up with this idea that you get married and have kids till chas vashulem something happens or you cant have kids anymore. although I see a lot is changing.

Miri7

Wed, May 24 2017, 12:20 pm

I can't speak to this from my own life as DH and I stopped having kids when we felt our family was complete.

But I do recall a LOT of posts on this site where women say that they are at their wits end, are not managing or are just barely, want to go on BC but can't get a heter or get it renewed/extended.

I infer that there are a good number of women who feel their hand is forced, that they can't go on BC because they aren't yet at the point of emotional distress that would justify a heter.

I have also noticed a few posts (one recently) where the woman wanted an IUD but her DH didn't because he thought they'd be having another in a year or two. So they might be using less reliable forms of BC (if the pill isn't an option for her) which can result in more surprise babies. (I have one of those surprise babies who came way before I was ready for another.).

southernbubby

Wed, May 24 2017, 4:00 pm

I am just wondering, how many who came from families that did not manage felt that it was not only the family and financial obligations that the parents were trying to meet but that there was also pressure to do more chessed work or kiruv work or communal work than the family could really handle. If the parents had been more selective about what obligations to take on outside of family obligations, would that have made a difference? And if outside obligations were the problem, were the parents responding to outside pressure or did they want to be heavily involved in chessed work and community issues? Personally, I don't see as many young parents today taking on huge communal responsibilities or chessed work as my generation were expected to undertake, but then I only see the trunk of the elephant.

amother

Teal

Wed, May 24 2017, 6:04 pm

amother wrote:

You're mixing hoidel with boidel...

The bolded only adds to a stressful situation. It has nothing to do with how or why people continue having kids.

amother

Oak

Wed, May 24 2017, 6:31 pm

Sometimes I'm happy about the fact that I have PPD cuz then I have an automatic heter for BC! Seriously though, each of my 3 kids about approx 3 years apart. My youngest recently turned 2 a few months ago but she is a real kvetchy klingy baby! I feel like she is my newborn and cannot imagine going of BC and getting preg for a while. (Im still on anti-depressants so I'm forsure not even thinking about going off BC till I'm off my meds) I def do not understand ppl that get preg just from peer pressure. I know that right now 3 kids enuf for now and hopefully soon ill want more....

amother

Jetblack

Wed, May 24 2017, 7:00 pm

You know what. I think you want to hear an answer that will help you point a finger and blame someone or something.

It doesn't work that way.

Life is complex. People have different upbringings, different circumstances, different comprehension.

It boils down to one thing. Hashem runs the world.

Why one manages with ten and the other crashes. Why for some 1 is overwhelming for another juggling double digits is easy.

Trust Hashem.
don't try to solve all problems.
Help when you can.

Be mechanech your children to your understanding with the guidance of Torah.

May Hashem be with you and all of us, trying to make it through life with clarity and serenity.

G-d pushes the buttons, you make the music.

Be wise on your travels through planet earth.