School doesn't like dh dress

treestump

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

Ok here. Thanks. I don't know if I will tell dh as I don't even know to approach it without making him feel bad or angry. She is going to call me for a meeting she claims....dh is not going to want to go either but I guess he will. It is for sure her meshugas as she is that type. Honestly if her husband...the dean would have spoke to him I would feel differently but I think her speaking to me is just wrong.
I am so disappointed that they did this in such a non menchlich way.

A meeting? About your husband's pants?

Honestly this is so immodest.

I wouldn't go to such a meeting. It literally is the most un-tznius thing for a woman to have a meeting with another woman regarding her husband's pants and crotch area. (man to man about his wife too.) I'm sorry, but it's vile of her. I wouldn't contribute to it or be a partner in this vileness in any way.

Ema of 5

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:31 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I get that. I meant that the complaint about your husband likely comes from her, not other parents. this kind of treatment is usually standard for mothers in these schools. I always took issue with these schools, the admins never seem like great role models when it comes to bein adam l'chavero.

I wouldn't be so sure. When the principal in my daughter's school spoke to me about something, he said the "complaint" (it wasn't really a complaint, it was more of a "did you know she's doing xxx?!?!") came from other parents

amother

Firebrick

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:56 pm

So here's my 2 cents: I think at face value it sounds really out of line for the principal to approach the op and complain to her about dh's pants. But what if his pants were really to tight and it was genuinely inappropriate. Imagine the following post:

I have been a principal in a pre school for 15 years. I have never made a comment to any parent for any reason regarding the way they dress. The problem is that this year there is a man who sometimes comes to pick up his daughter, who multiple parents have complained about. I'm embarrassed to even write this but they are all complaining that he is wearing ridiculously tight pants. I had never noticed it myself, but after hearing several complaints, I decided to see for myself. I have to say that I think his pants are attached to his leg. I didn't know such pants exist. I have no idea how he gets them on in the morning. It is a complete breach of tznious, and I think as principal, I will have to gently say something to his wife. Thoughts?

To me, the devil is in the details. I do believe that there is a certain point where a principal has a right to say something about the way a parent dresses. Obviously something should only be said in extremely inappropriate situations. So in fairness, the devil is in the details and all of us except the op really have no idea how inappropriate the pants are. According to the op, they are regular slim fit pants on a slander man. If that's the case then the school is out of line. I have a feeling the principal would not describe the situation the way op described it. I have to assume the principal is at least a little normal and has some dignity and would be VERY uncomfortable about approaching the op about this. It stands to reason there is another side, or at least some more details, to this story.

mddm

Thu, May 25 2017, 1:59 pm

amother wrote:

Even if they are "stuck to his leg" what makes that inappropriate??

amother

Wine

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:00 pm

amother wrote:

I am op. My dh wears regular slim pants. He is tiny a 30 waist. He has NEVER EVER been told anything about his pants being tight. He actually hates when ppl wear pants that are so tight u can see the shape of everything underneath....he is a very regular dressed guy.
Even if it was the case. U approach me like a mentch not in the hallway with my dd there and parents walking in to bring their kids to the school. I was very very hurt.

Iymnok

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:12 pm

If your DH rarely does pick-up, I'd assume she got the wrong guy. Even skinny guys can find skin tight pants. He didn't, he found pants that stay up.
I think your response should have been more along the lines of "he's skinny and these don't fall down" rather than his work since I've seen plenty of yeshiva guys wearing embarassingly tight pants.
The yardstick I was told for a skirt is if you could pinch loose material by your hip. If he could do that, I'd say he's fine. The principal here may feel more comfortable if he were to gain a few inches it seems.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:25 pm

eema of 3 wrote:

child's behavior and spouse's dress code are two different animals. this is commonly done by yeshivas, and it's generally not because someone complained. especially if the other parents dress similarly. it's just manipulation on the part of the principal and highly inappropriate.

treestump

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:27 pm

amother wrote:

No matter what your hashkafa and parent body is like, it's still inappropriate to comment to a spouse and expect them to pass it on. That's cowardly and totally inappropriate.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:31 pm

amother wrote:

nope, still inappropriate. this is a preschool, and it's not a woman coming in in fishnets, booty pants, and a halter bra top. all that needs to be covered is covered, and I can assure you that the kids themselves are not pointing at that dad and saying, "hey, Abie, your dad's pants are too tight! Ew!" if he came in topless, they'd point. if the fictitious woman in the fishnets came in, they'd point. they'd have a good laugh and think it's weird. but in the case of tight pants that you didn't even notice, they don't give a hoot. the other parents can be adults and learn to avoid looking below the waist if it bothers them. and the principal should absolutely keep her mouth shut, because discussing a man's body (unless he's her husband and they are alone together) is inappropriate, unprofessional, and absolutely devoid of tznius. there IS no other side to the story. on top of that, he's not her student, she has no obligation to educate him in propriety. and if she did, she'd fail, because this discussion is improper.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:33 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

I still find it interesting that all the women here are up in arms about a school complaining about a fathers dress on campus, but everyone seems to find it completely acceptable that a mother's dress even down to minutia such as nail polish and sheitel length could be cause for complaint, and even a reason not to take the child back the next year.

those who are up in arms here react the same way to women being treated like this. admittedly, this is a bit refreshing, since I've never heard of a man's dress being called out. it's kind of nice to know that insanity goes both ways.

tichellady

Thu, May 25 2017, 2:54 pm

amother wrote:

No you shouldn't say anything. Highly inappropriate for you to comment. If a parent complains to you you can tell them it's his/her responbility not to look at people they find dressed immodestly.