Mad at Kallah - attend wedding or not?

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:29 am

Hi,

I am invited to a wedding coming up. I used to be friends with the kallah but during the last 6 months or so she started acting more and more obnoxious towards me and others. She insulted me personally a few times during the last weeks.
Info, she is a fresh BT (she switched from feminist Judaism to Orthodoxy two years ago) and had the privilege of learning at an intense seminary.

She thinks she is so smart because she learns Gemara now and everybody else is stupid. And she lets us feel that. She thinks my husband is an am haaretz because he could not answer a particular arameic grammar question she had. She put me and others down constantly.

I have already handed in vacation and booked the plane tickets (its not much, just 150 dollars for round trip) but now I am so mad at the girl I do not even want to go.

What would you do?

amother

cornflower

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:40 am

Life is too short. Take the fun moral high ground and go. Enjoy the food as dancing and have a vacation while you are there - you only need to briefly greet the kallah and tell her how radiant she is.

Then when it all blows over or the whole relationship fizzles, you'll know you did the right thing (even if not for 100% pure motives).

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 5:14 am

amother wrote:

THIS.

"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person will get sick from it."

Ruchel

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:43 am

It's really your choice. I boycotted an ex friend's wedding. She got the message loud and clear. We somewhat reconciled but I'll never have her more than a passing acquaintance now. No regret.

SixOfWands

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:48 am

Ruchel wrote:

It's really your choice. I boycotted an ex friend's wedding. She got the message loud and clear. We somewhat reconciled but I'll never have her more than a passing acquaintance now. No regret.

I wouldn't "boycott" or try to send a message, but I also wouldn't attend. "We are regretfully unable to attend. Mazel tov."

No arguments. No grudges. No baggage. If its not someone I care to associate with, I move on.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 10:52 am

Let's flip this.
She still invited you.
If you weren't able to make it due to work and distance, you could write a lovely, flowery note. But you already were able to work things out to go. I would say go, be mesameiach the kallah. It's not like she's going to make a snarky remark to you as you go up to her at the kabalas panim. If she does, then you can daven for her and her shalom bayis while she's under the chuppah; it's an eis ratzon for everyone. (And do it anyway, even if she's completely apologetic and conciliatory.)
Since you're planning to go, I say go. As a BT there's a real possibility she won't have a lot of people coming. You have a chance to do a tremendous mitzvah, not that you want to treat anyone as a cheftzah shel mitzvah, iykwim.

mommyhood

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 11:00 am

Becoming a baalas teshuva is a huge upheaval. Add that to wedding planning stress and it's a lot to deal with. If you have a positive history with this girl I would try to blame her behavior on the situation and immaturity on and go to the wedding especially since you already made the plans.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 11:20 am

OP here.
Nothing to do with being a Bt. I am a BT, too and so is my husband. I know plenty of BT and attended a BT sem. Hardly anyone turned out snotty and mean like her after attending a sem and getting married. I would have lost all my friends if that was the case. Lol.

She just thinks she is so smart and gds gift to the jewish world. And lets everyone feel that. After nine months of learning. Sigh.

amother

Coral

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 11:30 am

Somehow weddings mean a lot to the Kallah, even if you never speak again. I know that when people showed up to my wedding, I was so honored and felt so special that they came.

Maybe go show your face, say mazal tov, leave, and do something else fun that night.

isrmss91

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 11:35 am

Be the better person and just go. You spent the money already and are taking a few days off. After she gets married, she will probably get busy with married life and may entirely drop the friendship. At least you know you did the right thing.

debsey

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:11 pm

Attend.

One day she'll wake up from the ridiculous black-and-white moral island she's marrooned herself on and realize that she's alienated the world. At that point, she'll need friends.

You had a reason for befriending her. That core person is still there, just temporarily obsessed with a new interest. She probably doesn't even realize how much she is alienating everyone.

I guess I just don't think a wedding is a time and place to give someone a wakeup call! Maybe 6 months later, if she's telling you how other friends didn't bother coming, you can gently explain then. Message more likely to be received then.

WhatFor

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:17 pm

Have you ever confronted her about her attitude? Learning Torah is not the only value. Next time she pulls some of that, you can just say, some of is are better at learning Torah and some of us are better in bein adam lchavero.

Personally, if I already spent the money on flight tickets, I would search TripAdvisor on things to do in the area, have tons of fun, and make an appearance at the wedding, even if just for a couple of hours.

marina

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 2:57 pm

amother wrote:

What is feminist Judaism?

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:11 pm

amother wrote:

OP here.
Nothing to do with being a Bt. I am a BT, too and so is my husband. I know plenty of BT and attended a BT sem.

I simply brought up her status to suggest that the presence of frum friends (we'll call you a friend) would enhance the simcha.

Miri7

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:29 pm

I think Debsey got it right.

IME, I've known a few BT's who went off the self-righteous deep end for a while. They eventually circled back around. (I'm not stereotyping all BT's here - most do not have this experience, though it's a huge upheaval and change for anyone).

We've been the target of this disrespect but have usually just let it slide and given the person time to come around. A couple of times DH did get frustrated and then "corrected" their misunderstanding of halacha by breaking open a Sefer and showing the he could learn circles around them. That didn't go so well. We decided that it's much better to be kind, to model menctschlik behavior, and be dlkz in recognition that becoming BT can be exciting and challenging.

Also sometimes when people engage in real learning for the first time they get stuck on the text learning and forget to translate that into their life and lose focus on derech eretz and larger Torah principles.

I say go and have a good time. I hope your friend will soon get out of this black-and-white thinking and judgment soon.

PAMOM

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:35 pm

I like the advice to go. Maybe she's super stressed . Maybe she's still definitely who she is. Maybe she is incredibly excited about her learning and you have an inferiority complex.
But she "switched from 'feminist Judaism' to Orthodoxy"? No one ever told me that these are different categories. And while I know you weren't trying to be offensive, the concept that you can be either feminist OR Orthodox is appalling and offensive.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:54 pm

Gosh, nooo! I am calling myself a frum feminist Smile

I am studying for a high level degree and ive worked fulltime all my life. And m husband also helps with the household.
English is not my mother tongue, sorry. What I wanted to say is she comes from a background that is very leftist liberal, egalitarian stuff. Feminist is not the right word, sorry.

But that cannot be the reason, its just a personality thing, for sure. I know a few reform and Conservative jews and noone is so self centered. Its not my perception alone, she had similar problems with other friends in the past. And semi public rows with several rabbonim (she also thought of as stupid).