Sick neighbors daughter in my house every day

amother

Papaya

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:18 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I agree with this. This child is going through hell. Where is the compassion? (Not directed at the op as she is clearly compassionate, just torn)

It would never in my life occur to me, to send a child who's mother is sick home.

I guess that's just the way I was raised. I had a classmate that practically lived in my house for two years because her grandmother was very sick and her parents were out of the house all night and day. Both her and her sister came for supper every night and slept over a few nights a week and many shabbosim. And this was just for a sick grandmother.

You have to take into account that OP is pastpartum as well.
She needs to look after her own health. If it's too much for then then she needs to find another solution.

33055

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:21 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Not every woman is a superwoman and can pile everything on. OP is at her wits end with a 5 week old baby. Perhaps she can't push herself anymore.

At 5 weeks postpartum, I was suffering from sleep deprivation and PPD. I could not have handled this at that time but now it would not be an issue. OP is entitled to gain her strength back and do what she can. The little girl has a babysitter.

Like the other posters said, perhaps the community can share in helping the family rather than having it fall on a new mom.

SuperWify

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 8:40 pm

Squishy wrote:

This!! OP needs to take of herself so she can care for her family. The neighbors come last.

That being said, my heart is breaking for this poor 6 year old who has no mommy taking care of her and only feels at home in OPs house. Op I beg you to be in contact with her relatives. Perhaps you can work out a schedule so that you can watch the child once or twice a week?

33055

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 9:01 pm

SuperWify wrote:

My heart is also bleeding for the little girl. But it is also very sympathetic to the new mom.
Perhaps Bikur Cholim has a solution.

One friend of mine took care of sick children of a mentally ill neighbor until her own children, house, and marriage were neglected. The whole situation was difficult because the mother was unstable and the kids needed help night and day. Bikur Cholim arranged to put my friend on salary which she used to hire help for the chaotic situation in her home. They also made other arrangements for the night.

Bikur Cholim has experience supporting families of sick people.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 9:03 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

If you read what I wrote, it is not the op that's bothering me. It's all of those writing so nonchalantly to just send her home, or not answer the door, without offering alternate solutions.

I saw what you wrote.
But, your tone was that you can't understand anyone who wouldn't put themselves out in this situation.
Not everyone can do everything. Some people are able to cope with much more than others and especially after birth, someone shouldn't be shamed that she isn't conditioned enough to do chessed.

As a side note, there are already alternate solutions in place as there is a babysitter there to look after her. It's understandable that she enjoys playing with her friend, but it isn't necessary to be the entire time.

33055

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 9:22 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

If you read what I wrote, it is not the op that's bothering me. It's all of those writing so nonchalantly to just send her home, or not answer the door, without offering alternate solutions.

The solution offered was in the post by OP I quoted discussing her baby sitter. You needed to read what I wrote in context with the post I quoted.

Your post did not indicate it was the others (probably me) you had issue with. You may not have realized it but you pushed OP.

I think all post partum moms should not be guilted to do anything. You wrote, "(I)t would never in my life occur to me, to send a child who's mother is sick home."

iluvy

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:10 pm

Squishy wrote:

A big part of the problem is this child has boundary issues. With a five week old baby and you being at your wits end, you need structure.

If she doesn't leave when you tell her, then tell her she will not be welcome back tomorrow. If she still does not leave, make it two days. Tell her if she tells through the mail slot, she may not come in. If she does it again, then she can't come tomorrow. The same goes for the repeated phone calls.

Sorry, this sounds very cruel to me. I also can't imagine it working for a 6 year old who sounds immature and is probably not doing well emotionally.

I would ask her teacher or the mother of someone in her class to organize regular playdates for her. I'm sure that out of 25 girls in her class, there would be multiple parents each week who could commit to bringing her home with their daughter, keeping her until supper, and then bringing her home. This is a job for 25 friends, not just one.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:15 pm

Squishy wrote:

Actually before I wrote "it would never in my life occur..." I wrote-" not directed at op"

Read it again.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:20 pm

iluvy wrote:

Why is this arrangement needed if they already have a babysitter?

33055

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:37 pm

iluvy wrote:

You think it is cruel to not let a 6 year old neighbor do what they want in your house???? You think it is cruel to not allow a 6 year old neighbor to disturb a postpartum mother constantly in her home???

This girl's whole world is tilted right now. Stability and structure is security. It is not mean.

I took care of a little girl who was my daughter's age. It started when she was also around 6. She had bad home circumstances which made her a wild child who was out of control and demanding. Her own extended family was frustrated with her and couldn't cope. She was thrown out of several elementary schools.

I allowed her in my house and on my family vacations, but she had to obey every rule my children did.

She used to say that I was the only one in the world who loved her, and I was the strictest person in her life. You can open up your heart and home to hurting children, but you don't have to sacrifice your shalom to do it.

I am sorry the little girl is hurting, but enforcing boundaries is not mean and cruel.

33055

Wed, Sep 13 2017, 11:48 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Actually before I wrote "it would never in my life occur..." I wrote-" not directed at op"

Read it again.

Read it again. It is your turn. You mention in the first paragraph where is the compassion? You say it is not directed at OP.

Then you go on to scold how there would be no circumstances in your life..... You didn't except out being post partum.

There are plenty of times we are too overwhelmed to do a certain mitzvah. There are other times we can reach in and extend ourselves. I can think of several circumstances in my life where I would be at my wits end doing what OP is. I can also think of other times that it wouldn't overwhelm me in the slightest.

Miri7

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 2:37 am

Can you talk with the babysitter and let her know when it is good for you for her to come and play? Maybe the babysitter will take both girls to a park, for a walk, etc. Get them both out of the house - yours and your neighbors. That way both girls get time with their friends and it's not at your expense.

The girl probably tells the sitter that "it's ok" with you for her to come over all of the time. You should let the sitter know that you need a schedule and some breathing room.

The trick here is finding a way to be supportive of the girl AND to be supportive of you. It's like in the airplane when the adult needs to put the oxygen mask on before helping the kids. You need to be sure that you're in a position where you are getting what you need so you can then be able to help everyone else.

naomi2

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 12:56 pm

abound wrote:

The only thing you can do is see if there are other neighbors or classmates that can offer to invite her, but you have to help a 6 year old who is clearly comfortable in your home, going through such a hard time feel loved and have a place to feel safe.

I agree. I think it would be cruel to tell her she can't come. I couldn't even pretend to understand what it's like be six yrs old and have an Ill mother....
I remember being asked to leave the neighbors house and feeling very bad but I had a mother at home for me!
Squishy- this situation is not at all like the one you described. This girl is not a behavior problem op did not say anything about her behavior, noise level, or mess. She needs love, companionship, and dinner. Op''s daughter loves her and Begs to let her play. Just something to think about, maybe this child is keeping op's daughter occupied so her post partum body can rest.
Op, what about this child bothers you and is such a strain on your sanity, or family?

Last edited by naomi2 on Thu, Sep 14 2017, 1:08 pm; edited 2 times in total

Fox

Thu, Sep 14 2017, 2:18 pm

Topics like these always leave me conflicted.

Obviously, the OP's first obligation must be to her own family.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel that here on Imamother we jump a bit too quickly to give ourselves excuses for not pushing our comfort zones when it comes our personal space and comfort.

Here's how I would suggest the OP determine a balance between her own comfort and doing this mitzvah:

* Honestly ask yourself whether the girl's presence is simply uncomfortable or is requiring additional work and energy on your part. I think most of us understand that it's a little disconcerting to have someone in your home so much, but I believe it's worth pushing your comfort zone a bit to do this mitzvah. However, if you have to constantly entertain this young guest; if you have to referee disagreements; if you have to constantly intervene . . . then it's time to follow the advice of other posters to spread the responsibility among more neighbors.

* Make this young lady part of the family. If she's going to spend a lot of time at your house, she's transitioning into a quasi-family member. Assign her chores when you give your daughter jobs to do. Pleasantly convey to her (and to her parents) that when she's under your roof, she'll need to follow your rules and suffer the house consequences as needed. In other words, don't coddle her and entertain her like you might an occasional visitor.

* Try to look creatively for win-win solutions. Several posters upthread suggested contacting local Bikur Cholim organizations, etc. This is a great suggestion, and I would take it even a step further: most of these organizations are very, very flexible in providing what is really needed -- not just prescribing a one-size-fits-all remedy. For example, rather than sending a chesed girl to the neighbor, maybe a local high school could send one or two each week who could take both girls on short outings, giving you a break and a chance to rest. Or perhaps ask an organization to donate some appropriate board games for the two girls to use. There are lots of ways for you to get some support in doing the mitzvah without ditching the mitzvah entirely.

As for the post-partum component, I'm not sure this is specifically relevant. Personally, I would have been fine post-partum but would have had difficulty during pregnancy. Simply factor in how you're feeling just as you would any physical condition, and don't be afraid to change arrangements based on how you're feeling. You might feel fine this week and awful next week. If you're happy to welcome this girl into your home when you're feeling okay, everyone will understand when you aren't feeling okay.