I am dying a slow, painful death with my son's behavior.

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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reality mom

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 9:37 pm

amother wrote:

One more thing...I am so glad we did NOT do a wilderness program. There are very not good things that take place in lots of those. It was at the point of being told to send him that we hired the trainer. This behavior is NOT happening in a vacuum unless there is mental illness. Listen to your gut. People told us to commit him, send to wilderness but I felt we were not there yet.

This. Please think long and hard before sending him to a wilderness program, in case it ever comes up as a possible option. More harm than good has ever resulted from programs as such. Rather, with psychiatric intervention, get to the root of your sons behaviour and tackle it that way, whatever it may be. Sounds like you need lots of support during this trying time, were here for you! Hugs.

goforit

Mon, Oct 30 2017, 11:56 pm

Can it be a sensory issues? If you think it can sending him to threapy after school can give everyone in the house a break. He can get ot and pt from your insurance (or boe). Sometimes the working hard grounds them. They need a physical outlet.

PAMOM

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 12:13 am

OP,
Yes, there may be some source of pain causing him to act out, but he could have psychiatric problems that are the cause. Get him evaluated by someone good who specializes in children and adolescents. The only answers aren’t just medication or wilderness programs. There’s no point in speculating until you get more information, but his behavior isn’t normal and isn’t going to be cured with charts and stars.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 12:31 am

reality mom wrote:

This. Please think long and hard before sending him to a wilderness program, in case it ever comes up as a possible option. More harm than good has ever resulted from programs as such.

Not to derail the thread, but what exactly is wrong with the wilderness programs out there? The ones I've looked into look fantastic.

amother

Slategray

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 1:50 am

When I read title of your post I thought that u were exaggerating. But u really really are not
As a mother of 4, and my youngest, almost Bar m, on the autistic spectrum, with very hard to control behavioural issues since birth (literally) I read your post with my mouth open wide with shock and my heart is breaking for u

Y is your husband just letting this happen????!!!!!!!! How can your son abuse everyone including u and get away with it? When did this even start?
Your son is running and ruining your household.
U need him checked out ASAP as in today by a psychiatrist. Go to your pediatriion and tell him everything. b/c hormones are kicking in and all the anger and rage in him will get worse. My son is 13 very soon and his hormones are raging; voice already got deep, he has hit puberty big time. And sometimes I want to hurt him with his uncontrollable outbursts. Happens in public ie buying shoes in mall the other day. And he starting yelling at me, my dh and the salesperson for not having what he needed. I feel your pain and humiliation.

imasinger

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 2:16 am

I agree with the posters upthread who are pushing for you to get in touch with a good mental health practitioner.

You might also find it helpful to read, "Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach," by Howard Glasser.

Iymnok

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 2:22 am

I agree with giving more love, but it's hard. It's breaking a vicious cycle and feels like rewarding bad behavior.
Professional guidance could help you with that.

Your husband needs to back you more, but I can't give advice on how.

I agree about some sort of evaluation of your son.

What's your husband's view of the situation? Does he see any of it as a problem? Of what magnitude? If he's downplaying way too much, then it may help to have a meeting with the child psychologist after he has met your son to get you both on he same page.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 4:21 am

Read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene

Change your lens - your child isn't giving you a hard time, he is a having a hard time. It's not uncommon for kids to hold it together at school and then lash out at home. You need to find the underlying cause of all his anger. Don't make any assumptions. Solve small problems collaboratively and work your way up to larger ones. There's a really great FB group that someone posted about called The B Team that helps.

It's really difficult but has transformed my explosive child.

amother

Tan

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 4:23 am

A child who behaves well in one context and differently in another context has likely experienced a trauma for which he requires trauma therapy, not meds, not reporting to his rebbe.
Threats do not "work" in instances where trauma is at play because threats affect a part of the brain that further limits cooperation, etc.
I will try to find sources and post if you are interested.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 5:56 am

I am sorry for what you are going through op but I feel even more sorry for your son. Obviously something is bothering him terribly. The fact that he has a good relationship with your husband might be because he DOESNT criticize him and doesnt punish him.
I think that because you view him as bad you dont even give him a chance (as you clearly stated yourself) so in his mind he knows hes bad and feels you hate him, thats not simple to fix. This will require a ton of effort on your part.
Arrange special time with him, maybe first together with your dh and keep it light. Go bowling with him, take him out to eat, love him, accept him ect.
You will need therapy to learn how to deal with him.
I dont think he needs a Dr since you stated he is an angel in school, a child with an issue would be a big problem at school as well.
Get back to therapy and tons of positive with him,

BasMelech120

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 5:59 am

reality mom wrote:

Can you elaborate on that?

PAMOM

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 6:11 am

Opinion of a psychiatrist who does long-term psychotherapy and not only meds:
“It is possible but not necessarily at all likely that this behavior is the result of trauma.
Might this all be the result of a bad family situation? Sure, but that’s only one of many possibilities. Find a good doctor—now.”

marina

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 7:25 am

amother wrote:

This woman is a domestic violence victim. Full stop. And you - and others on here - are just going on and on feeling bad for the perpetrator and blaming the victim.

How long are you going to do this? What if he lands her in the hospital? Will you still feel sad for him and encourage her to love and accept him? Oh he punctured her spleen? well, something must be bothering him terribly.

And when he grows up and does this to his wife? Will it magically not be ok then? Or are we still going to say oh, his wife didn't give him a chance?

These conversations always boggle the mind. Go bowling! Take him out to eat! Just love him! You literally have no clue what this woman is going through. She will take him out to eat and he will smack her in the face and call her a f*cking b*tch if she doesn't get the right food. And then what? She should say, oh, well I guess we will try roller skating next, just hold on while I get some ice!

Keep that image in your mind when you write your response to this.

It doesn't matter if it is because of trauma or not. We don't excuse rapists or abusive husbands because of trauma and we don't excuse it in teens either. Her husband is an enabler- he is literally allowing this to happen and not protecting his wife or other children.

OP- I'm sorry that you are going through this and I'm also sorry that you have to read these responses. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking you should be more accepting of this cruelty. It's ok to hate your son right now and it's more than okay to keep your distance, keep yourself safe, and sane. It's ok to call the police and it's ok to be angry with your husband for enabling this behavior.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and these kids usually get better at some point. In the mean time, take care of yourself and your other children. That is your priority - that you and they not go off the deep end.

Last edited by marina on Tue, Oct 31 2017, 7:36 am; edited 2 times in total

debsey

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 7:33 am

amother wrote:

I'm reading this thread with some shock and some sadness.

Violence is violence. it is never OK. Doesn't matter what trauma the kid may or may not have undergone. Doesn't matter if he's sensory or if his mother read parenting books.

You can't attack other people. Period. End of story.

Yes, this may mean an involuntary psychiatric hold, while medication options can be figured out, and then intense family therapy, a safety plan, and perhaps out-of-home therapeutic school placement.

Safety first! No matter what the kid did or didn't go through, blaming his mother or suggesting she try "positives" is ludicrous. Once you're physically violent frequently and the rest of the family feels unsafe, you're in a different category.

I didn't read the rest of the thread, I had to stop reading and comment.

OP, call the cops. Get him admitted. Get guidance from people who specialize in this type of violent behavior. This could literally save both your life, and your son's sanity. Please, don't rely on fluffy platitudes from anonymous people online.

groovy1224

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:49 am

marina wrote:

This!! I can't believe that people are suggesting that all she needs to do is be less critical. Whether due to trauma or severe psychological illness, this boy AND his family need immediate, professional help. Not a hug. Not a family day trip to the zoo. Not a sticker chart.

I see this also when women post about a marriage that is CLEARLY at least borderline abusive, and you will still get posters who will suggest a date night. Or maybe read a book.

abound

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:53 am

Get help fast. He needs a very good psychiatrist who will help see if he is suffering from a trauma or emotional illness. You cannot continue living like this. I am so sorry you are going through this, The emotional pain and hurt must be worse than the physical pain and must last longer. If you say what State you are in maybe someone can help you find the right person to diagnose what is going on. Do not talk to the Rebbe or take him out for ice cream, you are way past that.

amother

Violet

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 8:57 am

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
He is a typical oldest. That's why they get pi shnayim.
He has to go for anger management, maybe someone is being to strong on him.
I know someone that had that, the father was abusive and then the kid would pour it out on the mom. But by the time they realized this it was too late.
The girl also misbehaved exactly like your dc and then she married an abusive man because she was considered crazy and then she got divorced and went to therapy and they realized it was the dad that was emotionally abusive that made her feel crazy. Today to date she is divorced but a happy and a relaxed person.
Take care of it now before it is too late.

groovy1224

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:02 am

amother wrote:

That's a typical oldest? Really? They get pi shnayim because..otherwise they will punch and verbally abuse their mothers?

Really trying to understand that line of thinking.

rikki 1

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:03 am

Wow!!! Feel like it's almost my story!
My son has been violent with family members for a few years.
It's a bit different situation which I don't feel comfortable sharing in public but PM me if you want details.

mha3484

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:05 am

I think there are aspects of each side that can help when all combined. It is not all or nothing be crazy passive or medicate until catatonic.

The first step is a thorough psych eval and medication. After you do that and he is hopefully receptive to learning skills, I really recommend the books by Ross Green. The Facebook group is a phenomenal resource that has helped me and many others. Many parents in that group have combined a variety of treatment methods to help their kids. It is not all or nothing. I could not do any of this without medication for poor impulse control.

For me with a younger child who has explosive tendencies, the empathy that the books encourage has done wonders for our relationship. I have learned to communicate with my son that I know you are struggling, I am here and I know X is really hard BUT we cant keep at this we need to find another way.

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