I am dying a slow, painful death with my son's behavior.

SixOfWands

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 9:30 am

imasinger wrote:

I agree with the posters upthread who are pushing for you to get in touch with a good mental health practitioner.

You might also find it helpful to read, "Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach," by Howard Glasser.

Yes. He needs help. Your family needs help. Please, please get it.

Only thing I want to add is that I wouldn't not give him dinner. I get really p1ssy when I'm hungry and tired. That's certainly not causing the issues, but it can't be helping it, either.

rae

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:02 am

She’s talking about a 12 year old!!!
All I and others said is that he’s good in school and exploding at home there might be issues going on that they don’t know about.
I am not condoning violence. There is no excuse for violence. But before you label, punish, medicate, send away.... try to find out if there’s something you’re missing. OP you’re responsible for this child until he turns 18. And going down the path of psychiatrists, programs etc is a long tough one. You might have to head there and my heart breaks from your pain. All I’m advocating is take a small step back and try to see the whole picture.
Can you also see someone with your husband and find out why you’re not a united front? Because if he’s allowing this you might have to take care of your marriage first.
(((Hugs))) so sorry for your pain.

debsey

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:13 am

rae wrote:

Often, the way you find out something is wrong is with the intervention of psychiatrists, psychologists, and other mental health professionals. When he's on an inpatient unit, where they're unimpressed by his threats and tough with him, he is more likely to disclose what's going on simply because his usual coping skills - acting out - aren't working - so he has no choice but to tell someone what's really wrong.

If you look at the manuals for inpatient units, you will see a lot of opportunities for both formal and informal therapy, and lots of mandatory communication between all service providers, so that if he discloses something to a nurse's aide, for example, the rest of his treatment team will find it out quickly.

amother

Plum

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:18 am

Its really hard to judge and decide what to help with, when you hear only one side of the story. All I can say, is I feel horrible for OP's situation and something definitely needs to change. What I seemed to learn is that the only person one can control in any situation is oneself. If the son is seriously abusive as stated, then he definitely needs help quick. But who's to say that empathy, positivity and working on a nurturing relationship isn't an answer?
Children are born innately good and unless they are mentally unstable, this abuse definitely stems from somewhere and somewhere painful.
I do agree that it is never okay for a child to verbally or physically abuse anyone especially a parent, but why do we seem to think that it is okay for a parent to abuse a child (criticize, smacking, degrading....)
There is no blame in this situation, but there's always room for change.
If OP has a somewhat normal marriage, sit down and have a serious conversation with the husband in explaining how you feel and if he can be on your side.
Its really hard for anyone to tell what the situation is and what would be the correct approach but it never hurts for one to work on themselves and have things changed.
I am no psychologist but do have a deep understanding of people and it would seem from the post that this child is craving a connection and relationship with his mother and things escalated out of control. Need to get to the root of the problem before you start putting on band aids.

rae

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:22 am

You’re right Debsey, but along the way the child gets a whole education on things he probably didn’t know existed. Most adolescent psych units are for age 12-17 meaning 18. You might come out with correct info, a diagnosis but he’ll also learn how to do drugs, different ways kids tried to kill self or others, relationship issues between kids etc. definitely not a good starting point for an explosive 12 year old child who might be getting bullied or molested. Might’ve been witness to something that scared him. Might be feeling extremely threatened and can’t understand why no one realizes or is helping. It could be a cry for help.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:25 am

wow... I thought I was the only one in the world with an explosive,impulsive, violent, abusive 12 yr old who is terrorizing our home. I have literally tried every single suggestion that people posted here. I guess the only hope left is to daven. I'm surprised Hashem gave the same child to 2 different parents. Wish we could have some sort of support group. I guarantee if we would switch kids for a day you wouldn't know the difference. It's like I wrote this post.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:35 am

amother wrote:

I am sorry for what you are going through op but I feel even more sorry for your son. Obviously something is bothering him terribly. The fact that he has a good relationship with your husband might be because he DOESNT criticize him and doesnt punish him.
I think that because you view him as bad you dont even give him a chance (as you clearly stated yourself) so in his mind he knows hes bad and feels you hate him, thats not simple to fix. This will require a ton of effort on your part.
Arrange special time with him, maybe first together with your dh and keep it light. Go bowling with him, take him out to eat, love him, accept him ect.
You will need therapy to learn how to deal with him.
I dont think he needs a Dr since you stated he is an angel in school, a child with an issue would be a big problem at school as well.
Get back to therapy and tons of positive with him,

I posted the above and feel strongly about what I wrote and I will continue to explain why since noone seems to be understanding what is going on here and neither do I but I will tell you that a normal teen doesnt behave this way for no reason.
if the op once had a loving relationship with him then I would say something is very wrong but she stated she was never close to him, she wants him gone and out of her life.
Lets stop for a minute and realize that this teen is in obvious pain and probably beyond frustrated so his letting it out on his mom. Is that okay? no, but why has the op neglected this for many years and all shes doing is screaming louder, criticizing more and punishing harder as a result making the issues far worse.
The child could possibly be a victim of s*x abuse and in so much pain (talking from experience here). I would suggest that only if his behavior was always okay and then suddenly this change.
If his behavior was this way in school and with friends then I would say he may have adhd and needs a diagnosis but op stated hes an angel in school.
This is a child and we are their mothers and THEY need OUR help.
There are many red flags here that suggest investigation but like I said to yell louder and punish harder is making his life as well as the mothers so much worse.
We dont see the full picture here and we dont know the op but this situation clearly needs help and the op needs professional guidance.
I am glad that the child has a good relationship with his father and hope he can have that relationship with his mother as well with the right guidance.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:36 am

debsey wrote:

Do you have personal experience with inpatient units or have you just read the manuals? The reason I am asking is because most inpatient units, even the good ones, have a huge disconnect between the stated programs and policies and what goes on in reality. The reality is that the units themselves are typically traumatic experience for adults and definitely children. Staff are overburdened and rigid, very little real communication goes on between patients and staff (nurses are usually just trying to get through their day, overloaded with paperwork, etc), the quality of whatever therapy is actually given is a joke, people who work on the unit are typically not the most qualified in their profession ( often new grads/residents, or people burnt out of their careers on other units). Inpatient units are not everyone's idea of a dream job and the quality of the staff reflects that.

Please don't paint a rosy picture of a very different reality. They should only be used as a very very last resort. Speaking from experience, the best quality care is obtained on an outpatient basis.

amother

Plum

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:43 am

amother wrote:

I agree with this. Although I do believe the husband should be on his wife's side and it doesn't have to contradict him having a good relationship with the son. Bashing the husband or other forms of verbal negativity, definitely won't bring him to his wife's side, as it won't work with the child either. It has to come more from a place of pleading with him to stand with his wife.

debsey

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:50 am

amother wrote:

worked for a large hospital system on their mental health care programs - both inpatient and outpatient - for about ten years. Did a lot of hands-on inspections as well as worked with manuals, policies, procedures in general. I definitely know what goes on. And I have definitely seen kids improve.

It does depend on the hospital system. You can't compare gold standard places in private hospitals to a state hospital.

little neshamala

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:54 am

amother wrote:

This

amother

Bisque

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:54 am

debsey wrote:

It sounds like you were in an administrative capacity versus clinical, so you would not know what really goes on in the trenches.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 10:57 am

I didn't read the whole thread so I apologize if this has been said. Im so sorry for your pain OP. Please get a professional involved like Rabbi Kestenbaum from Waterbury.
Your son needs love he sounds like he is in pain. Your punishments don't sound appropriate at all. ( Im sorry to be honest I am only trying to be helpful so please take it like that) Your son needs to believe that you love him , will advocate for him and that you are his greatest ally!
Maybe have a meeting with him and tell him you want to press restart on your relationship. Please look at his baby pics to bring out your maternal love and write a list of his positive qualities. Once he feels your love then only then can you be mechanech him. The fact that he is well behaved in school makes me think he is a regular kid and has no real issues. Obviously rule out any abuse or trauma.
Many many hugs and I will daven for you and your son!