Feeling so down :(

amother

White

Tue, Nov 14 2017, 9:30 pm

Hi everyone!
I teach upper elementary school and until 2 weeks ago I really loved my job. I literally looked forward to going to school.
Just a background....im a really really nice teacher. I listen to the class when they're stressed and I do my best to make things easier for them such as not giving homework often. I try to give them a break whenever possible...
But its at the point where they totally disregard me when I ask for quiet or for cooperation. I bought up the idea of a Chanukah party the other day and all I got were negative vibes. I also heard back from someone that the class was saying things like "its gonna be the nerdiest thing ever."
Im so tired of trying. Im so so upset about this situation and I dont know what to do anymore. Why do I act nice and then get screwed??
I want to quit but I don't want to make any waves. I just hate feeling so miserable...
Thanks for letting me vent!

amother

Bisque

Tue, Nov 14 2017, 9:44 pm

Terrible to have to go through this every day. Please don't take an elementary girls comments about a nerdy Chanukah Party to heart. Unfortunately that is the typical attitude of young girls and they can kill you with their words.
If you don't quit by then, I would do everything that this party should rock and prove them wrong!!!

amother

Blush

Tue, Nov 14 2017, 10:11 pm

I'm so sorry. I had a similar experience teaching junior high and high school. I lasted 3 years (should have quit sooner). I tried everything, but the kids were just awful no matter what I did. I guess I just didn't have what it takes.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Nov 14 2017, 10:11 pm

You might be too nice. Yes, there is such a thing. Especially with teenagers, if they feel a "pesach" they may exploit it.

Some firmness is needed to bring back law and order to your classroom. A stern look. A private talking to one of the "leaders." And a brisk, non-nonsense attitude on your part. Keep your lessons moving and keep the girls busy in class. (Minimal homework is great, IMO!)

With a reaction like that, I would be compelled to skip the party. It's obvious that they don't want it. No point in working hard to plan something for them when they have such a negative attitude about it. As amazing as it will be, they already have a bad eye on it.

Or you can appoint two girls (choose with care) to be the directors and let them plan the party with your input. This helps them create a party to their liking (but you must be firm with what is allowed and what not, every single thing must be with your oversight). Also, if it does turn out to be nerdy, it's not on you.

amother

White

Tue, Nov 14 2017, 11:28 pm

Thank you all so much for responding! You really made me feel validated! I agree that it might be a waste of time and energy to plan a party for them; im definitely still playing around with the idea.
I like the idea of having 2 girls be in charge, with my input of course, so whatever happens isnt my problem.
Anybody out there had this kind of situation and managed to turn it around? If yes, how??
I so badly want it all to work out...
Thanks guys!

amother

Azure

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 12:44 am

You really should not aim to be nice, it's a sure way to be exploited by that age group. The majority of kids love to have a strict teacher who is in control. Once you have established your boundaries you can be considerate of them, give less homework etc but it has to done in a way that doesn't make you look weak. If you truly care about each student it will come over even if you are strict to the class as a whole. Tell them you are canceling the chanuka party because of their immature complaints. Talk to them about your expectations, tell them if you see that their middos improve you will have a different party and put two sensible, popular girls in charge of organizing.

mandksima

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:11 am

Wow, this sounds a lot like what it is to be a mother of teens! I try so hard, constantly think my earnest concern and renewed efforts will be noticed and appreciated, get a lot of rude comments and flack, and then wonder if I should even bother with dinner anymore! It gets so frustrating! A mother just can't get up and leave her position, it is a lifetime commitment Smile

A teacher is also in it for the long haul as well presumably so wants it to work out for the best. The difference is the teacher usually has a new group of kids each year and is not usually AS invested as a mother and doesn't take all comments personally as if she was the one who didn't raise the kid right. That is probably much harder as there aren't years of appreciation built in right off the bat.

Agh!!! Sounds frustrating and being a teacher is the worst calling for me (I tried giving art classes once to 7th grade girls - so not for me and they were so sweet!) so I can't give advice, I just wanted to share the similarities of motherhood and wonder if that helps or makes it even more frustrating.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 1:56 am

You're being too nice! You need to be much more firm with them. They're taking major advantage and feel too comfortable. There needs to be more of a distance and authority and it will get things back into shape

FranticFrummie

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:48 am

As the mother of a 14yo girl who can be absolutely horrible at times, my best advice is to learn how to separate your emotions from the other kids.

Kids know exactly how to push your emotional buttons, and it gives them a sense of power. If you can make emotional boundaries for yourself, you'll feel much better, and be a more efficient teacher.

Just keep telling yourself that the way the girls behave says everything about THEM, and nothing about YOU. They actually need you to be internally strong, so they can respect you and look up to you. If they know that they can manipulate your emotions, they will take advantage Every. Single. Time.

Something to look deeply into, is to ask yourself if on some level, you feel like you need their approval in order to feel good about yourself as a teacher. If you have a therapist, this is a great place to start working from. Once you let go of wanting them to "like you", you'll see a huge turn around in both yourself, and your classroom.

Speaking as a parent who's BTDT, I can tell you that once you get your boundaries in place, you'll find a lot of emotional freedom and greater perspective on the big picture.

ssspectacular

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 5:17 am

Rule 1= It's never about you. Kids are kids and don't take anything personally.
Rule 2= They NEED discipline. They will take advantage any way they can.
It's not being nice to be too soft. In the end, it makes both teacher and students unhappy.
The book, Teach like a Champion, is very helpful. It also has aDVD that shows you how to be stricter.
And I'm such a softie, you wouldn't believe it. But years of teaching have shown me that this is the way to go.

rachel0615

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:34 am

I really feel for you. Last year I had a group of kids who were just a bad shidduch with me. I tried so so hard with them but there was just no kesher. I validated them, tried my best to make the activities fun and engaging . just to give u an idea, on the last day I got no hugs, no goodbyes (and they knew I was not coming back . ) They just didn't care.

I came into this year with a very diff attitude. I was going to own my classroom. There would be consequences. There would be a raised voice if it was needed. There would also be a lot of love and time for them to share about themselves, but they would always know I'm in control. My classrooms are not perfect but it is much easier than last year . And bh the kids feel a deep connection to me.

Cut yourself some slack. It may be a bad shidduch . Tell them how y felt when they said it would be nerdy (in a very calm and non reactive way) and that it is cancelled for now. Take back control. Post the rules. Come up with consequences and carry through . ahd most importantly tell them you love them every day and make sure they feel it. It may not be a perfect year but it will get better.

imasinger

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:56 am

I also have a tendency to be too nice, and have suffered in the classroom for it.

Then, once or twice, I overcompensated and was too strict, and that was no good either.

I think all the advice here or in books can be good, but even better is a live mentor. Is there someone who can observe and help you? Preferably someone who works in the school?

I teach music, so have no power to take away recess or affect grades. The two things I can do are let kids know when they have crossed a line, and tell their classroom teacher so that I have backup.

You, as classroom teacher, have more direct authority, but the buck stops with you. How you get that across is partly personal style, but setting limits is important.

You are not there to be their friend. Sometimes, they need to cooperate whether they feel like it or not.

seeker

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 10:08 am

If you loved it until two weeks ago, then you must be doing very well! What happened two weeks ago? Is that when the whole Chanukah party thing started, or were you describing two separate things? If it's all about the Chanukah party then just forget it and let their tweenage attitude roll off you. You need a thicker skin. If it's more than the Chanukah party, maybe clarify that a little more and see if any new advice comes up.

oliveoil

Wed, Nov 15 2017, 11:00 pm

rachel0615 wrote:

just to give u an idea, on the last day I got no hugs, no goodbyes (and they knew I was not coming back . ) They just didn't care.

This is normal. To kids you are just the teacher who is there to do your job - I.e. to teach them.

If you're expecting hugs and deep emotional connections you're in the wrong field.

rachel0615

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 6:15 am

I strongly disagree. A good teacher is not just teaching content. A good teacher is showing the kids that they have strengths, that they are valued and loved, that they have so much good to offer the world. All of this is done through teaching but the job doesn't end when they have mastered an academic area- it ends when they have become more confident in themselves bc of the learning of that subject. Just my opinion anywats

seeker

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 9:45 am

rachel0615 wrote:

So what is it you're disagreeing with? This whole thread is basically people discussing how to have a healthier relationship with the students...