S/O of rich: Mo' money, mo' problems?

33055

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:29 am

crust wrote:

Is it only in the frum world that you see this?

Yeah - unfortunately. I was never taught to find problems, so I don't envy success.

I can't tell you about the hyper- competition in the rest of the world at this point in time because I am not part of it anymore.

The current frum world reminds me of historic times among certain elite populations. It certainly was not pervasive throughout history.

I never experienced this growing up BH. We never cared what others wore as girls. We also didn't have this instantaneous feedback of what we were doing. This need for likes from strangers influencing decisions is one pressure I am glad I escaped from.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 9:48 am

sneakermom wrote:

I have a cleaning lady once a week and like squishy brought up I do feel pressure to have things prepared and I do feel the lack of privacy. Maybe it's a personality thing.

When I first got married we lived on a shoestring budget. Our parents bought us new furniture and clothes and stuff. But from the day we married there was minimal cash coming in and so we lived incredibly simple.

I had no cleaning lady. I almost never bought new clothes. Sheital's lasted years. We never went on a real vacation. We had no car.

Yet there was small pleasures. Little baby outfits I got for dollars by this cheap store I found in manhattan. Eating pizza out with my husband here and there. Going on long walks together. Our apartment was fresh and newly painted and I loved the sunshine that came in from the windows. We also had great water pressure- so the shower felt awesome. We even watched thunder storms from our window, and saw the lightening zig zag across the sky.

But as the years went by it got so much harder. I really needed to look normal and I hated not having money for regular stuff. I wanted more money for my family. To take lessons, go to camp, therapy, nice clothes, braces. And never mind the biggy- we needed bigger living quarters. And I wanted to buy a house.

Both my husband and myself worked very hard to build up our income. Bh we are not rich but we are comfortable now. And we live in our own home. It's a blessing that I am grateful for. And I wish upon all klall yisroel.

But I do find that it brings different challenges. The challenge of saving versus spending. Holding back, just because it's good for character. Realizing that certain extras became the new norm and we depend on it now. Worrying we should be able to keep this standard. And yes...chasing more money. I used to not care about money at all. But I found the more I make the more I want. Which brings in the question of priorities. How do I maintain my old vision of priorities within this new circumstance.

And at the end of the day. None of us will commiserate that we didn't make enough money. But we might feel great contentment in remembering the time we spent with our kids, the good things we did and the difference we made in the world.

Please tell me what did you do??????????what helped your parnassa??

LittleMissMama

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 10:39 am

I couldn't get through all these responses. BH, we're wealthy. By hard work not by inheritance.

People generally focus on whatever their biggest problem is. If I were poorer, maybe lack of money would be my biggest problem. Maybe marital discord. who knows. But I do have valid problems that money cannot make disappear. A special needs child. He's autistic. Serious mental illness on both sides of our families. Extreme loneliness because of my husband's work hours. I struggle with insomnia and anxiety; I get panic attacks. The list goes on. BH, money related woes are not on the list....but there is still a list.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 10:41 am

LittleMissMama wrote:

Nobody is sayinf that rich people don’t have problems, just that being rich is NOT one of those problems.

amother

Beige

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 10:48 am

I live in a typical jewish neighborhood. There are some seriously wealthy families among us. What I see: kid overdosed; kid died of cancer; divorced; extreme special needs kid; older single can't find a shidduch. So at the end of the day, they have the same tzarros as the non wealthy, and the wealth doesn't change anything Except remove the additional tzarra of poverty on top of the other major tzarros. So it doesn't make them happier but it does make them less broken 😥

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 10:52 am

This is an odd thread. Are woman actually saying that all things considered being poor is better than being rich? Sure there is an example or 2 (or 20) when being rich directly led to extreme difficulties. But does an exception refute the general rule that money very often makes things easier in life? I'm sorry but the fact that a man works 80 hours a week and never sees his family, doesn't take away from the fact that life is usually easier and more comfortable when there is money. Is there someone that would say that of the 2 choices, they wish they would be poor vs. rich?

creditcards

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 10:53 am

amother wrote:

At the end of the day. We all say "Burich dyen ha'emes"
Hashem runs the world. And I'm sure he runs it fairly. Even though we don't understand it. There is a cheshbin for everything. But I get very annoyed when people say that their money is "making" them problems. Just give it to me. Problem solved.

Mommyg8

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:07 am

DH and I discussed this last night. He quoted "marbeh nechasim, marbeh de'agah". So I asked him, so why do you buy a lottery ticket? He said - that's because I don't have enough emunah in chazal.

Personally, I never wanted to be rich, but I do want to be comfortable. I just wonder... it says in koheles that the soul is never satiated. And that those who have 100 want 200, those that have 200 want 400. Does that mean that if I were to start making $500,000 a year, I would say, oh, that's nothing, I really need a million? Or would I really be ok with $500,000 a year? Because to me right now, I honestly think that would be enough for me. Am I fooling myself?

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:23 am

amother wrote:

To sum up poverty as "one additional tzarra" is ridiculous. You can't imagine what this "one additional tzara" is like for people who can't pay their mortgage and rent.

Alternative

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:27 am

I think that if you are a billionaire, then yes, מרבה נכסים מרבה דאגה.
However, if you 'only' have a few million dollars, I can't see how that would not make life so much easier. Some of the problems discussed here have nothing to do with wealth. A dad that comes home late every night? For every wealthy father like that, there are 100 poor or middle class dads that don't see their kids all week. Working late is not limited to the wealthy!

Maintaining a grand home? There is no need to, unless you marry into high society with a bunch of expectations. Most of those with grand homes own them because they want to, and because they enjoy the role of grand society lady - not because their mother in law pressured them into it.
You can definitely be a millionaire and buy a nice home without it being 'grand', and without three extra guest suites that the community will want to use all the time. You don't have to host one single event in your home. You can have the cleaning lady come once a week, and not every single day.
The community might realize you are well off, but there is no need to flaunt it and thus become one of the gvirim that need to schedule days for meeting with gmachs. In fact, you can just channel all your donations to a neighboring community or to Israel if you don't want anyone to know how much you are giving.

In other words, the rich (millionaires, not Bill Gates) have the CHOICE as to how to live their lives. They don't have to live in grand homes with 24/7 staff if they don't want to. On the other hand, the poor and middle class usually have far less choice in how to live their lives.

33055

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:38 am

dancingqueen wrote:

I also don’t like to have hired people in my house all the time, so I just have less household help. It’s not that complicated.

It is. What you, Raisin and Mommy2b2c are missing is that the help is a necessity. It is not optional. If someone is not there, it would be me doing the work. As it is, I do a lot of work in my house. You can't get the job done in less time than is allocated for it. Believe me, I don't like spending money on the help either.

I don't live in a 25,000 ft home, nor is my homies close tu that size. But if I did, would you still be saying get less help? A home that size would need 2 full time people at minimum.

What works in your house does not work in all houses.

33055

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:42 am

Alternative wrote:

And what do you do when spouses have differing desires?

Alternative

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 11:49 am

Squishy wrote:

If you lived in a 25 000 ft home, that would be your choice. It would place you among the very top percentile of square footage in homes in most places in the world. I assume that most ladies who live in such homes do not supervise their staff all day long. There is someone who does that. And they likely have their own private suite which isn't cleaned and intruded upon every single day.
If you live in a regular 3500 square foot large home, then you still have lots of choices if you have money. You do not need to have it cleaned for 9 hours every day. Nothing will happen if the windows do not gleam or the floors have a bit of dust.
Or you could just move to a more modest home. Always an option.
Again, choices, choices, choices. The privilege of the wealthy. You CHOOSE to live in a huge house, and you CHOOSE to maintain it spic and span, and you have the means to do so.
You can hardly blame us for not empathisizing with the ensuing lack of privacy. It's like someone who chooses to have a personal trainer come in every single day because she wants to be superfit, complaining that it's such a bother.

cbsp

Tue, Nov 21 2017, 12:01 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

Yes, I believe so.
Look at all the threads of people who earn (what I consider a "comfortable" income) who are limiting the number of children they have because then they won't be able to afford all the extras that each child "needs" - suddenly luxuries (yogurt daily, water bottles) become necessities and that adds up. Plus now you're paying full tuition, higher taxes, health insurance...