S/O of rich: Mo' money, mo' problems?

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 3:05 pm

Im going to post this anonymous so not to our myself. When you marry money, or your family has money, these expectations aren't made up.
Like if your mother in law gives you 2,000 to buy a gown she will be very mad at you if you buy a gown for 250 and dont use that 2k. She wants her daughter in law looking up to her standards. Same thing with a house. You can get 400K but when they expect you to buy a million dollar home with that money, you are still stuck with a 600k mortgage. You cant (trust me) say well I have 400 so im going to buy a small house and too bad on all of you.
Money usually comes with its own set of problems.
Its different if you earn your own money and become rich and no one knows about it, then if you are given money. Very few money gifts come without conditions or expectations.

I would prefer to have the money than the less problems. Being poorer allows you a simpler life with less responsibilities to try to help others. Money comes with responsibilities and an ability to give more.
People that are used to a simple life dont need all that comes with a rich lifestyle. I'll try to give a few examples. Its not good or bad, its just more of a headache.
simple life - no one asks you to be on boards and give your time, money and financial expertise.

Vacations - you need a completely different wardrobe if you take your kids on ski holidays, sunny winter getaways. More shopping, more packing, jet lagged kids..

Bigger house - you need a gardener, housekeeper, more guest rooms that you give out (more linen to wash) if you have room for guests you need to have the kids behave and quiet when guests are there. A Bigger house you will end up host tzedakah parties (even if you hire the caterer the headache remains yours, and the cleaning up after).

Simchas - you want to get away with doing a small affair, people get very hurt why they weren't invited. While people can excuse a poor person that it's expensive to have more guests, they forgive, but what excuse does a rich person have?

Raisin

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 3:44 pm

zaq wrote:

First world people, rich or poor, have first world problems. If you don’t have to worry if you will have water to drink today, if you will be kidnapped and sold into slavery on your way home from collecting fiel for cooking,, if your husband might sell your 12 year old dd into marriage in exchange for a week’s worth of food, or if your ds might get attacked by a lion while playing outside your door, then your problems are first world problems.

Plenty of people in the western world worry that they can't cover medical bills or afford treatment, (especially in the USA) about gun violence, if they have enough money to cover the mortgage, if they can afford enough food, or that their violent spouse will kill them or their children. Not all problems in the first world are "first world problems".

Raisin

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 3:49 pm

amother wrote:

It sounds like you don't have that much money, but you have very wealthy relatives.

I don't want to be very wealthy. I would love to have enough money to pay tuition, see any doctor I need whatever the cost, cover our expenses. A nice vacation once a year or so would be nice but not essential. Are people really holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go on a ski holiday?

I know lots of wealthy people who live very normal lives and dress in regular clothing. But this is money they earned, no one is forcing them to buy $2000 dresses with it or over large houses.

33055

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 4:13 pm

Raisin wrote:

People don't hold a gun to your head, but they put pressure on your head. You have strangers calling up because they need use of a guest room. Then they harangue you when you say have to say no. Fielding phone calls, getting guest rooms clean and ready for guests, losing your privacy when they stay over, meeting random requests/demands, having their children not used to your standard home, and then having to clean up after them is a real hassle for strangers. Hachnassat orhim is a wonderful mitzvah, but not all people are cut out for this on demand.

Everyone seems to like the security that comes from money, but not everyone likes the expected lifestyle.

papermageling

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 4:25 pm

Statistically, more money does actually mean more happiness. But there's relatively little benefit in terms of happiness in making more than 500k a year, and the difference is not that great even between 100k and 500k. So, it depends a lot on how much stress one is subjecting themselves to get the extra money, and how much one already has. But getting out of poverty is extremely helpful for increasing happiness.

But how the money is spent makes a big difference. Hiring cleaning help is actually a fantastic use of money if happiness is your goal, as most people benefit a lot from the extra free time. Buying a designer purse doesn't really help with happiness, on the other hand.

Of course, if your wealth comes from a nightmarish job, it may well not be worth it, even if it is very high, and if your wealth leads you to a toxic social group, it's also not good.

The happiest very wealthy man I know does live a very comfortable lifestyle, but he spends both a lot of time and money contributing to his preferred charities. He's also still married to his first wife. According to the research that's been done on happiness, it's not remotely surprising that he's as happy as he is. The ones I know who always feel that they need the latest Lexus, on the other hand, tend to be stressed, and are also more likely to alienate their family and friends.

Mommyg8

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 4:28 pm

I see it like this:

Either you made the money on your own, or you were handed the money in one way or another.

If you made the money on your own, how hard did you have to work to make this money? Do you even have time to enjoy it?

If you are handed the money - either you are given the money by rich relatives - which can come with it's own set of hassles, and lots of strings attached - or you inherit it, or you won the lottery.

Winning the lottery does not seem to be the best way to get rich, as it seems that the vast majority of lottery winners end up worse off in the end.

So, it appears to me that it depends on how you got the money. If you have a great job, working four hours a day for a million dollars a year - then it's worth it. It's also worth it to inherit the money Smile

, at least I think so.

Otherwise... I think... maybe not.

Raisin

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 4:29 pm

Squishy wrote:

I'm talking about ski holidays, not guest rooms.

If I was very rich I would build a separate guest apartment with its own entrance. Since I am not rich and yet I still have people asking to stay over, they sleep in a bedroom right next or on top of mine and share our family bathroom. (I don't have an ensuite)

If I was rich I would also have much more frequent cleaning help.

Raisin

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 4:34 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

, at least I think so.

Otherwise... I think... maybe not.

Or if you work 12 hours a day doing something you really love doing. And your amazing salary pays for enough household help so you can use your free time doing things you like.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 5:41 pm

amother wrote:

We are technically well off right now but have health issues in the family people don't know about or think are minor.
We are grateful to afford the best care but we don't live large. I think most people would not want my life if they knew the truth.
We Give a lot of charity. Plus help family.
Jobs that pay well absorb your whole life. It's hard to imagine if your not living it. We have a lot of stresses.
Just a look from the other side.

Do you really think that your life would be better if you couldn't afford the best care? Or that poor people somehow don't have any health issues?

33055

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 6:11 pm

Raisin wrote:

I was talking about guest apartments. Unless you are cut out for the mitzvah of running a hotel for entitled strangers, this is a difficult mitzvah. OTOH, hosting respectful people is a pleasure but still a lot of work.

Hosting guests in a separate apartment involves a more difficult set up and clean up. It is stocking and cleaning an entire apartment twice.

You missed the part about cleaning help needing supervision. Cleaners can't be left alone in the house if that is what you hold. You need to be there to let them in. They need to be fed, and they can't be ignored. You can't walk around relaxed. The is loss privacy is not easy.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 6:31 pm

amother wrote:

no. I said we're grateful.
With some health issues, even the best doctors sometimes cannot help, as we have discovered. I'm not saying this to complain.
As a package, if people knew all the details, I doubt they would want my life. Feel free to disagree. You don't know my life and I font know your s

Its intresting. I dont think you would want my life either.
I'm as poor as they get.
My husband was very sick for two years so we went with zero income. Some of our children need therapy for the sideaffects of my husbands illness. I have another sick child in the home that needs constant care but is too smart and healthy to be placed in an institution. I am zanked from running out to an appointment every single bingle day.
I desperately need therapy for myself just to help me continue.
You know what takes away my dignity the most?
That I dont have the means to take a cab or train to run out a little.
That every penny that I need has to be begged for.
Would money take away my problems? No. Would it give me some dignity? I let you answer.

allthingsblue

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 6:35 pm

Squishy wrote:

Having guest I understand can be a burden, but implying that cleaning help can be considered a burden? That's laughable. That's like saying kids are a problem because they need to be watched and fed and shopped for etc.
(Yes, I have a cleaning lady, yes I need to stay home when she's here and reschedule my day, yes I need to give her food and lose privacy... and yes, I often thank Hashem for sending her my way, and I never ever view it as a burden, just as a privilege.)

mommy3b2c

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 6:37 pm

papermageling wrote:

There was a study done with the results being that once you have enough money to cover all your needs, which would include more then just food and shelter, then the amount of money you have does not add to your happiness. But if you don’t have enough for your needs then lack of money is a source of happiness. But basic needs would include:
1) food
2) a comfortable home
3) clothing
4) tuition
5) a vacation every one or two years
6) cleaning help
7) toys
Etc...

So basically, once you’re mid to the higher end of middle class, more money won’t make you happier.