People with significant disability getting married

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rachel0615

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:32 am

I'm curious to hear people's opinions- what do u think of people with significant disabilities that impact their life and make them dependent on others (we talked specifically about down syndrome)

1)getting married
2)having kids

My husband and I significantly disagree about ir and I'm curious to see other peoples opinions.

Last edited by rachel0615 on Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:41 am; edited 1 time in total

CDL

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:36 am

Are you talking about mentally or physically disabled?

rachel0615

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:42 am

Mentally

crust

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:43 am

CDL wrote:

Are you talking about mentally or physically disabled?

I was going to ask the same question.

crust

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:45 am

rachel0615 wrote:

Mentally

What's your husband's point of view? Why does he think marriage is necessary?

rachel0615

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 7:50 am

He doesn't think it's necessary but he doesn't think it should be a general rule that people with mental disabilities should not be able to marry and have children. He thinks if they are high functioning and agree to get ell, why shouldn't they be entitled to happiness. I think it's unfair to future children.

bigsis144

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:02 am

I think if they’re high functioning enough to fully understand marriage (and fully consent to a s-xual relationship), then I hope they would also understand the need for birth control?

I am a bit uncomfortable both with “mentally disabled people shouldn’t get married” and “mentally disabled people should be treated exactly like couples with typical cognitive functioning”.

Perhaps if they truly love and want children they could go into a childcare profession, but I also think it would be too hard on the biological children of disabled parents.

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:04 am

There have been people with Down's syndrome and other types of cognitive impairment that got married but they were advised not to have children, and were given something to prevent pregnancy from happening. Men with Down's syndrome may be infertile and if a woman with Down's becomes pregnant, the child will be a mosaic and may or may not be impaired as a result. Some people who are mosaic are neuro-typical.

If an impaired couple has children, someone has to agree to be very hands on in helping to raise the children on an hourly basis. I have seen such couples lose custody as soon as the baby was born, due to lack of anyone competent stepping forward to obtain custody.

Think about all of the decisions and actions that we all do in caring for children and imagine trying to do that with half of the capabilities that we have.

amother

Gray

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:12 am

rachel0615 wrote:

I know a married couple (not down syndrome). They live in an apartment on top of her mother. They both work and her mother is there for them. There are no children on the horizon.
Another married couple I know is on birth control even though they don't know about. She's desperate for children but her parents aren't up for the responsibility. They manage well as a couple with the parents full involvement.

notshanarishona

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:32 am

I think they should only get married and have kids if there are parents or an agency legally in charge of them. I would be afraid to hear of what would happen to the kids if it's left to the discretion of someone not mentally 100%.

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:44 am

notshanarishona wrote:

When someone like this comes into the hospital to deliver, those questions must be answered adequately before the baby is sent home. Most hospitals won't release a baby to an incompetent person, be it a young teenager, a drug addict, someone with an obvious mental illness, or someone who is so impaired that they can't care for a child. Someone else must be appointed as legal guardian or the child is put in foster care.

crust

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:50 am

rachel0615 wrote:

Let's put the rules aside.
What makes your husband believe that marriage=happiness or that in order to be hapy one must be married?
I'm just trying to understand his pov.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 8:56 am

amother wrote:

I'm not comfortable with the idea of a significantly cognitively impaired couple having children but am also slightly disturbed that they are on birth control and they don't know it?!!? Do they have her take pills every day that they claim are vitamins or something?

amother

Puce

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 9:11 am

crust wrote:

marriage=happiness or that in order to be hapy one must be married?
I'm just trying to understand his pov.

I am not op, but I can explain:
If the accepted practice is for ppl to get married, and I'm the odd one out who is NOT getting married I may feel I'm missing out on something. If everyone (or nearly everyone) around me is getting married it would make me happy to get married too. Just being part of the crowd, doing what the crowd is doing, makes for a measure of happiness.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 9:14 am

My adult sister has T21 and is unmarried, although she has an independent living situation. I really hope she gets married some day. If your culture is really family focused, and there's no opportunity/possibility for opposite relations socialization or companionship outside of marriage, then you're cutting someone off from a whole range of human experience by saying that they can't get married.

You have to weigh that reality with the practicalities of marriage and the importance of having children. Of course there are happily unmarried people and I'm sure that for some disabled adults, that works fine. But I do think it should be their choice.

Not having children is a simpler decision as you're weighing the needs of the children as well as the desires of the adults. I really hate the idea of lying to a disabled adult about birth control though. There's historical precedent for sterilizing the mentally unfit that makes that choice pretty disgusting. Just tell them the truth. If they were competent enough to get married, they're competent enough to hear about birth control.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 9:29 am

southernbubby wrote:

Men with Down's syndrome may be infertile and if a woman with Down's becomes pregnant, the child will be a mosaic and may or may not be impaired as a result. Some people who are mosaic are neuro-typical.

I don't believe this is accurate.

crust

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 9:36 am

amother wrote:

I understand 'the' point of view. I am trying to understand his point of view as the father of the child in question.
Does he really see married mentally ill people -that are happy- around him?

southernbubby

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 9:46 am

amother wrote:

I don't believe this is accurate.

http://www.jaypeejournals.com/.....DF=YE

I failed to use disclaimer language. Fertility issues are common in the Down's syndrome population. Males are often, but not always, unable to father a child. Babies born to women with Down's syndrome are often, but not always, mosaic.

Raisin

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 9:55 am

I think that people DS in particular are loving people and often fall in love and have happy relationships. Why not encourage this? It can only be beneficial for all concerned. A high functioning DS person will likely only be miserable as they see others getting married and not them.

As for having children, probably better not if the chances of them keeping the child is low. And its not fair for the grandparents to have to look after another child with special needs. According to the link, there is a higher then 50% chance of a child born to a DS woman having DS or other special needs.

lavenderchimes

Sun, Dec 03 2017, 10:04 am

amother wrote:

Right -- in a world where everyone gets married and has babies, that IS the definition of happiness! Not being allowed to do the normal thing will make you unhappy. Not always, but most of the time.

It's an unpleasant thing to give someone bc without their knowledge, for sure But the unfortunate truth is that mentally disabled people may deemed fit to be married, but not fit to fully understand the numerous conmplexities of having a baby. If they really want a baby, they may understandably refuse to take the birth control. This presents other problems.

My grandmother cared for a Down's woman for years. She was a sweet woman with the mental capabilites of a child. She wanted terribly to get married and have a baby like everyone else! And perhaps she could have been happily married -- many are. But a baby was out of the question. And marriage and babies go together, right? Unfortunately, she could never have understood the distinction. She never would have taken bc, because she wanted a baby so badly. But besides that being unfair to a child, who is going to take charge of this situation? If the mother/father is unfit, who will care for the child?

Last edited by lavenderchimes on Sun, Dec 03 2017, 10:08 am; edited 3 times in total

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