So livid right now...and I'm not taking a loan!

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 9:21 pm

Can't even think coherently now. Left dh in charge of finances. Yes, he's on top of it. Sure, sure. Always paid the mortgage and insurance and car payments on time. I'll give him that. He kept saying we are fine. We have x000 in our savings, x000 in this account. Well guess what??? SUDDENLY, WE DON'T!! And he says that he's been researching bank loans for weeks, as if I should be grateful. How about researching JOB options (he works part time). I wouldn't have bought certain things....I kept telling him, are you looking at the big picture, maybe we shouldn't buy/do this (we don't spend a lot of do any fancy stuff). He insisted we are fine. He told an to relax. He shut me up. AND NOW WE ARE NOT FINE!!!
He wants to get a bank loan. I said, so that in a few months we have to worry about mortgage and a loan?? Oh. And here's the kicker. He wanted a big ticket item a few months ago. I said ONLY if we have the money now and we pay for it at once. Sure, sure. He put it on a credit card and we are still paying it off (under 2000, but STILL!!)
Now he wants to work together, talk it out, bla bla bla...well where were you when I said we should do that before you got us into this crappy situation??
I am so mad. And worried. And scared.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 9:34 pm

I know youre right, but still have to figure out the mortgage.
He wants me to yell at him and get all my frustration out. I have no energy for that. What should I say, I told you so? Like he said, he didn't gamble it or anything, and he didn't intentionally lie...but I kept asking him about our finances, and if we should get certain things....so because he let his ego get in the way since he didn't get a full time job but acted like he had one...now he wants a loan?? No way.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 9:42 pm

Sounds like a unique situation if you "thought you were fine" and dh only working part time. Most families need to be careful even when dh has a good full time job. Why would things be ok if dh doesn't have a steady job?

WhatFor

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 9:48 pm

You're entitled to all your anger and frustration for this. Once you get past that, I would think it's time for you to be in charge of finances. Clearly DH is simply not good at it.

You need to sit down, figure out where you need to cut back, what luxuries you need to sell (if possible), until you get yourselves out of the red. And DH needs to find a full time job.

lavenderchimes

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 10:51 pm

Here is a three-step solution.

1. Be mad. Vent, and/or do what you need to do to deal with your anger. Get it out of your system!
2. Tell DH that you need to be in charge of finances, or that you need to co-manage finances. You obviously can't leave it all to him. Explain why a loan will inly exacerbate the problem.
3. Sit down and find the solution to the mortgage, etc. There is one!

Hatzalacha!

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 10:57 pm

I feel for your situation but I just don't get part of it. He told you that you were fine...did u ever lool and check? Th actually pays the bills in my house, but we both check the account all the time and both know what's going on.

naturalmom5

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 11:01 pm

lavenderchimes wrote:

4... HE NEEDS A FULL TIME JOB THAT PAYS WELL

Don't mind me. I'm screaming at myself.. Crying

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Dec 18 2017, 11:18 pm

thanks for the replies. I'm leaving out some details because they are very specific.
I know how much we make, and we were fine for a long time, so I didn't think to check the accounts. He deals with the bills etc. Every so often I would ask him how much we have in checking and he answered me honestly. He lied by omission by not telling me he was taking money from savings and putting things on a credit card.
I already explained why we shouldn't take a loan, and when he didn't understand, that's when I got mad. This really belongs in shalom bayis I guess.
We are planning on selling some things.
To all the "surrendered wives," glad it works for you, but I'm having a say now.
Why didn't he listen to me months ago??
Ok, end rant.

33055

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 12:08 am

amother wrote:

Your husband did not lie by omission, he outright deceived you several times that you mention. He is sneaky, and never trust him again with finances.

Get alerts on your phone when he charges anything and when the balance goes below a certain point on ALL your accounts.

You are 100% right not to take the loan. Push for him to get a job. Until then, go on an austerity budget.

BH5745

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 5:21 am

If saving is important to you, it might be time for your own seperate savings and/or investment account. Your DH can know you have it, but if he feels entitled to your money or the details releted to your accounts, that you earned and set aside with Hashem's help, then he might have a problem with boundaries. This can be your money he has no access to, doesn't know the balance of your account and which you are NOT using for emergencies created through irresponsible spending habits.

This way he can continue to control the joint finances, but you can also have your own finances.

My DH and I have joint and seperate accounts. We also respect each others' financial privacy. If my husband wants a big ticket item he can use his money in his account, and I can do the same from mine. There is ba"h nothing to argue about this way.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 6:42 am

OP, it is very sobering to be honest with yourself. There is no such thing as "lie by omission". In clear language it is called deceit. Sorry to be so harsh but this is not a "white lie". Take immediate command of the finances.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 7:33 am

Your DH feels bad anough about this crunch, don't make it harder on him. Though he sometimes didn't have to means to pay for stuff you wanted, he got it for you thinking that he'll figure it out somehow. Leave it up to him, just have a conversation about it.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 7:45 am

I have a friend who was in more debt then she realized because her husband had taken over managing the money. They agreed to go to a financial adviser. In their particular case they were able to find someone who was willing to do it as a chessed. My friend is more willing to live frugally then her husband. My friend said she's so happy to have someone else pointing out where they shouldn't spend and being the bad guy. Is there anyone you can contact who might know someone who would be willing to help you out by sitting down with both of you? I think it might be easier on your marriage if you get a third party involved.

BH5745

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 8:33 am

amother wrote:

Regardless of how bad OP's DH feels about overspending, he clearly has a problem. Can you elaborate on how "don't make it harder on him" is helpful in this situation? You also wrote "Though he sometimes didn't have to means to pay for stuff you wanted, he got it for you thinking that he'll figure it out somehow." That is the very definition of irresponsible spending and having a spending problem. OP's husband needs to either reign himself in or get help. Because now he is resorting to deceiting his wife so he can continue to spend as he sees fit.

Getting a job that makes more money won't help matters either. OP's husband will continue to overspend until he learns to control himself. The Talmud says no one dies with half their wants fulfilled...

BH5745

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 8:36 am

amother wrote:

OP I understand your frustration but why don't you have a job?

How do we know OP doesn't have a job? If she has one, that wouldn't solve the problem anyways. The problem is OP's husband needs to get control over his spending. More money to spend would probably make things worse in the long run, until DH learns to spend more responsibly.

33055

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 8:53 am

BH5745 wrote:

It sounds like OP tried the surrendered wife stuff which put them in this bigger hole.

There is a 3rd option which is that OP takes back the finances. All to often people want to feel good about themselves because of their material possessions.

And getting a better paying job definitely helps because the bills exist.