So livid right now...and I'm not taking a loan!

BH5745

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 9:05 am

Squishy wrote:

And getting a better paying job definitely helps because the bills exist.

The more money people make, the more bills they tend to accumulate. In the long run earning more helps IF people have their spending under control.

33055

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 9:26 am

BH5745 wrote:

The more money people make, the more bills they tend to accumulate. In the long run earning more helps IF people have their spending under control.

Earning more helps because you are earning more. It is really that simple. The spending is a different part of the picture. He is already spending without regard to his income. He is spending because he wants things.

They have fixed expenses. Earning more will help pay those. OP needs to keep control over the spending. She also needs to keep him on austerity until her savings is up and their credit card balances are down.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 11:08 am

I do have a job.
I also have a small savings account from money I saved from freelance jobs. DH doesn't want to touch it, since I have it earmarked for something else. Except for that one big purchase that he said we can pay off at once, the money really went to bills.
He wants us to work together now, but I'm just annoyed that it took him rhis long to realize.

amother

Olive

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 11:21 am

amother wrote:

You have every right to be annoyed. Vent all you need to - to us, friends, or a therapist. But once the vent is over, you need to get practical. Move forward. If he wants to work together, that's great! Don't hold it over him now. Now set yourselves up in a way that you are comfortable with. The fact that you can respect him even through his big mess-up, support him as he tries to fix this, and work with him as an equal (and not as some dumb-a$$ excuse of a man, which it sounds like from your posts) --- that will make your marriage stronger. Resentment will only make the divide between you greater. He wants to fix this. Allow him to fix it. Forgive him. Move forward together.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 11:26 am

Olive, you're right. I know. But it's so hard!
He contacted someone today about a job...told him to do it weeks ago. But at least he did it. Looks promising, but will take a few weeks to happen.
And I'm trying to think if nicer phrases than "I told you so" but still get across the point that he needs to learn from this and listen to me.
Thanks all for listening.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 1:12 pm

I know you are in a very difficult situation but remember one thing, the only person you can control is yourself. You can control your response, reaction and communication to your husband. You can try controlling him by telling him what to do and take back the finances, but who says that'll help? If he has a problem with spending, he may find other ways to do it. And, no man likes being controlled by his wife, so it'll probably leave a very bad taste in his mouth and your marriage can suffer in other areas. Try to see the full picture and what the results of your actions can be.
What I would suggest is to talk to him in a respectful manner that you are really upset with the current financial situation and you would really appreciate if he shared more details with you so that you can feel included. The blame game is going to get you anywhere.
Perhaps suggesting a financial adviser or getting a 3rd party involved is a good idea, just do it with Chachmah.

amother

Olive

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 2:01 pm

amother wrote:

You're right! You *did* told him so! Smile

But he knows it by now. And rubbing it in won't be helpful to you or to him. You can have our validation that you were right.
(Then again, had things turned around like he had hoped, you'd be none the wiser, so keep in mind that he is a good man who was trying his best to provide for his wife and keep her from worrying.) But the guy is clearly trying to clean up his mess. Gloating to him now will only knock him down more. Which is not very respectful to him. Nor is it endearing. Keep your marriage fun and light while at the same time, tackling the problem as a team. It's possible.

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 19 2017, 7:27 pm

Many people became much more responsible spenders over time. For my first years of marriage I was quite immature about money, not knowing how to balance wants v need. My DH handled the joint finances, while I spent 'my portion.' BH there was someone else to manage the bulk of the money until I became mature enough to be DH's partner in doing so. Over time DH's responsible saving and spendthrift habits wore off on me, and now I have the same approach to responsible spending/saving as him.

Budgets often don't work with people who have spending issues, because they lead them to feeling deprived and miserable. They compensate for this by binge spending at some point down the line, or finding some other bad habit. It seems that your interest is in being financially secure and your DH's is in feeling like he can buy the things he wants/needs. Perhaps if you keep your savings separate and continue to add thereto you can feel financially secure, while if your DH has a set amount to spend every month as he sees fit, and you continue to let him manage the finances with you as his partner, everyone will be happy as he develops more responsible financial habits.