Am I right? | Imamother

amother

Violet

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 9:56 am

As Pesach is around the corner, I am having an argument each year with my dh
we are having bh a family with young children and preparing for pesach is far from easy

I would very much appreciated my dh, help but he keeps on saying the same, I am working hard to bring home money its impossible to do both, so he is a free man, I completely understand him but there are certain things that only he can do and no one else,is he right? is it ok for a dh to do nothing for pesach?

Blessing1

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 9:59 am

Tell him that he gets to come home from his day of work & sit & relax.Your work day never ends, you don't get to go "home" after work. It's 2 different types of work & even if he's the one bringing in the money, it's expected of him to help out a bit.
Good luck!

amother

Violet

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:00 am

Blessing1 wrote:

He comes home very late from work

thunderstorm

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:07 am

amother wrote:

He comes home very late from work

What about Sundays? He doesn't have to do hard core work. But assistance is expected, whether with the kids, or odds and ends.
This year my DH couldn't see himself helping me for whatever reason. He went and made arrangements for me to move into my inlaws for the entire Pesach. His excuse was because he doesn't want me to work to hard. So I told him , " It's because YOU don't want to work too hard because you would have to help me more than usual because I'm pregnant"... he didn't deny it Very Happy

.
He just found it too overwhelming , he is also starting a new job this week,so he made sure we won't have to prepare and make Pesach this year. Honestly I'd prefer to stay home, but it is what it is.
We all know our limits . If your DH really works late, I wouldn't expect help during the week but I would expect help on Motzai Shabbos and Sunday etc.

Blessing1

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:08 am

He doesn't need to do a lot. Just the things only he can do. It's erev pesach it's understandable to need some extra help. Don't forget how much is expected from us women, cleaning, cooking, serving, hosting, taking care of the kids.... plus regular housework on top of that. Good luck!
"A mom's work never ends"

Simple1

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:09 am

If he can't pitch in, then he should agree to pay for extra cleaning help. And see if there are things he is willing to do. Like shopping, or toveling new items or whatever.

Last edited by Simple1 on Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:12 am; edited 2 times in total

cozyblanket

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 10:21 am

I'm making my first pesach so I don't have a lot of experience, but no it isn't ok in my book. Pesach is above and beyond our normal duties (which husbands should also contribute too in some way).

It doesn't sound like insisting he help will be so peaceful. If you can afford help, I would tell him you are hiring help to replace him. If you can't afford it, I would wonder if you could tell him you think he should discuss it with his rav (does he have one?).

Our rav said that pesach should be something made with shalom and simcha as much as possible. We don't have money for help, but we decided to try the steamer that an imamother recommended (it arrived on Purim!), I'm making a pesach points program for my children to help, and we are planning on playing lots of music while we work. See what you can work out for yourself.

Please let us know how it is going!!

koltov

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 11:34 am

Mabe I didn't explained our argument well
my dh is very hard working especially in the weeks before pesach, his argument is, that he works hard enough to bring money and pay for pesach, and he is unable to do do any home work

Mommyg8

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 11:37 am

I don't think it's helpful to say he SHOULD do this or he SHOULD do that. Every family does what works for them, and I definitely have friends who's dh's don't lift a finger for Pesach.

That said, there are some basics here that have to be understood. If he can't help, physically, then he DOES have to make some kind of arrangement that you get help elsewhere (I love your dh's solution, BDM!). All the women I know who's dh's don't help DO have an enormous amount of cleaning help. Especially if you have little kids, there is just no way to do it all yourself. Another practical solution is to let down your standards a bit - dirt is not chometz, like they say, even though it sure feels that way to me!

And he also DOES have to help a little bit, even if the help is totally symbolic - Pesach is his mitzvah just as much as it is yours.

ra_mom

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 11:42 am

koltov wrote:

If it's physically impossible for him to help due to schedule, and physically impossible for you to do it all yourself because of strength, then you guys have to sit down and figure out together how to make it happen.

nechamashifra

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 1:26 pm

Your question should not be "am I right?". You're not in a debate competition trying to win an argument. You and your dh are on the same team. A problem came up and you both have to find a solution - together.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 1:40 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

This!!

My DH prepared our tax stuff for the accountant, and has a second job this winter/spring, so is really unavailable.

My kids have a variety of SN and can't do much.

I start early and use shortcuts and cleaning help. I ask DH to give me 3 hours of time to help on kashering day. The rest, I will do. I'm OK with that, he's not putting up his feet while I slave.

Each family is different.

amother

Tan

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 1:47 pm

amother wrote:

,is he right? is it ok for a dh to do nothing for pesach?

I think the way you are framing your inquiry is bound to cause you unnecessary suffering. If the inquiry is solely about who is right and who is wrong, nobody likes to be in the wrong and thereby incur the ire of the one who's in the right.
Perhaps a reframe might be of use here:
Dh for some reason does not want to contribute to the Pesach prep. You for some reason want him to be the one to help you with certain tasks. Is he indeed the only one who's qualified to do the task? Can you hire someone who's equally qualified?
If you insist on having dh be the one to assist, rather than make it a discussion about right wrong, you can acknowledge his position: "tzadik, you're absolutely free to refuse to help me, but it would mean a lot to me to have your help with a, b, c. Would you be willing to help me with these tasks at a time that's convenient for you? "
Cut out the blame. Just stick to your undisputed need for assistance.

naturalmom5

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 2:04 pm

amother wrote:

He comes home very late from work

Without knowing all the facts, I would say that if he works so many hours and can't pay for a lot of extra help (cl ladies, a service etc) something is very rotten in Denmark..

But maybe he is doing the best he can, money-wise, or you have other expenses.. You didn't say...

Raw

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 2:16 pm

My husband works long hard hours and I expect very little from him at home for that reason. He pays for a cleaning lady but I do most of the pesach cleaning, cooking, childcare etc.
Do you have a cleaning lady? My husband would prefer to pay her extra than to stay home and stress about work.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Mar 04 2018, 2:23 pm

Here's what I have learned over the years with a dh who has all sorts of theories about what he needs to and does not to need to do to help in the house:

Unless your dh is actually flexible, and telling him "oh but honey I really need your help with xyz" will work (I doubt it, because then you would not be posting here), you need to prioritize YOUR goals. That means that you make a list of the things that YOU think are most important, and work on them in YOUR way. If he has specific needs that you consider less important, he can either pitch in, or hope you will have time in the end. For me that included cutting corners in ways I would have loved not to have to, like using plastic dishes at times, making fewer side dishes, etc.

And I had to learn not to be apologetic or feel guilty. I do my absolute best. Just like, presumably, he is doing.