I want to go home!!

amother

Red

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 4:50 pm

So we closed on a house last week in a different state. My husband so desperately wanted out of the community we we're in in New York. I loved our community. It was extremely convenient and was a highly Jewish neighborhood. However, my husband highly disliked (rather not use the word hate) every single shul in the neighborhood. We found a community where my husband's best friend lives. We checked out the community multiple times. Each time my husband fell even more in love with the community as well as the shul. We have been talking for over a year about moving here. Well I reluctantly agreed. I felt very settled where we were. Well last week we closed on a house in the new community and I am miserable. We still have our apartment in New York that we can go back to if this doesn't work but I want to go back now!!!! All I do is cry. I know we have only been here a week and I'm sure that what I'm feeling is normal, but honestly, I never wanted this. We live in suburbia now where I have to drive 10 minutes just to get milk. I hate it here. I can't see myself getting used to this. My life has completely changed and I feel like I have no ground to stand on. I did this soley for my husband. I keep having nervous breakdown after breakdown. Why in the world did I agree to this. It's also an extremely small Jewish community so not too many Jews around. I'm so unhappy here. My husband did say that after shabbos we can go back to New York so that I can take a breather from all this. I don't know if that will just make things worse for me though. I just drove to get myself a manicure to treat myself before shabbos. Not a single Jew on the place. Everything about this move is making me so uncomfortable. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin right now but I'm really trying my damnedest to be happy for my husband but I'm just not. I'm so depressed over this😭 Any words of chizzuk would really help right now, especially before shabbos.

amother

Purple

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 4:58 pm

{{{}}}}hugs......It seems like you are really in pain. Hope you have a wonderful and relaxed Shabbos!! We all feel along. Hope you can visit your husbands friend and make some new acquaintances!! Gut Shabbos

thunderstorm

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:03 pm

Ugh! But keep in mind that all beginnings are hard. Go to shul on Shabbos to meet people. Maybe you won't feel so isolated. Good Luck and it's nice to see a husband and wife both caring so much about each other. You sacrificed and moved and your DH is offering to take you back to NY for you to relax. Hopefully with a caring relationship like that you will be able to support each other through thick and thin, May it only get easier from here. Have a wonderful Shabbos in your new abode .

flowerpower

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:09 pm

Are you the poster that wrote a few weeks ago as well?

Step one- find friends
Step two- hang out with friends
Step three- make playdates
Step four- give it at least 2 months to settle

ra_mom

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:14 pm

This is a huge change for you.
How far away are you from where you were living previously? If it's within 2 hours, I'd suggest a weekly day in just for you alone. Do your shopping, visit your places. So you don't feel like everything is so topsy turvy. I know someone who did this after a huge change and move and it really helped her transition.

Maya

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:23 pm

ra_mom wrote:

This is a huge change for you.
How far away are you from where you were libing previously? If it's within 2 hours, I'd suggest a weekly day in just for you alone. Do your shopping, visit your places. So you don't feel like everything is so topsy turvy. I know someone who did this after a huge change and move and it really helped her transition.

Yes.
I did this, and am still doing it eight years after moving.

amother

Denim

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:24 pm

My DH is not from New York, he hated it after we got married. After afew years we moved to his community. To make the move more easier, for me, I went back to NY every single week for the first few months to do my shopping & visit family. After a while I met people & made friends & I didn't feel the need to go back to NY so often anymore.
Op, a move is hard, give yourself time to get used to it.

imorethanamother

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:30 pm

I've moved a few times, in some cases to communities with few Jews around, and my final iteration is a community my husband insisted on. I didn't want to move here so much that my husband basically packed for us all, and I did nothing.

You have to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Just. . one day. At. A time. Don't think about tomorrow or next week. Say one thing in your head that you LIKE about the community you're in, every day. Every single day. It always has to be a different thing that you like.

You're on an adventure! Most people never venture out of the community they were brought up in their whole lives! I think it's glorious to try new communities and new things, and it's amazing to be a pioneer. You know what's awesome about not having tons of Jews around? You really matter! You matter to the shul you're in, you matter to the school you're in, you can have the biggest impact! Or even a much bigger impact than you would with your "highly Jewish" old neighborhood.

Yes, there are less people around, but those people are happy you're there. And most likely, most of these people don't have family around either, and so you'll see that you'll build bigger and better friendships this way. The best friends I made in my LIFE were in those small communities. They've flown in for my bar mitzvahs and they're the ones I call.

You still have your old apartment, you said. You can still hang out there once a week or once a month. I remember doing something similar, but honestly, as time wore on, I saw less of a need for it. Now I love the place I'm in, it's just getting used to things. Most people who, say, make Aliyah say the same thing. It's really really hard in the beginning, but over time, they're so happy. You can be too.

Concentrate on making your house homey. Concentrate on unpacking. Concentrate on making a new friend. Never look back, life's too short! You're on your way to an amazing, wonderful opportunity that Hashem has decided you're ready for. I'm so jealous! Good luck!!

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 5:42 pm

OP, if you really didn't want this move, then you shouldn't have agreed to it. But now that you have, make the best of it. Go to shul and meet people. Join a chesed committee, or go to a shiur. Take a walk. Give yourself a chance to meet people. It takes time.

And not to make light of it ...

BH5745

Sat, Aug 04 2018, 7:10 pm

Did you start a thread a couple months back about feeling nervous moving to a different community out of state? Some of the details in your post are very familiar to a thread started a while back, such as the husband's best friend and buying a home.

In any case, I really feel that you're suffering! It sounds like you're so unhappy because of this move, and like you're trying so hard to find what's good about your present community, but it's just not your home. Honestly, I would hate living in suburbia around non-Jews (I know, I've done it before), and strongly believe that's not a good place to raise an eidele, heimishe Yiddishe mishpacha.

My opinion might make me a dissenting voice here, but I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is your suffering and your children being deprived Jewishly! You're miserable for a reason; it's not the right community for you. People should only live where they want to, and if they realized a move wasn't right, I don't think they should talk themselves into staying. We lived in a place we didn't like, and I can tell you it didn't get better. At some point the choice was acquiesce to the misery while trying to fool ourselves into feeling happy or take a chance and move. Baruch Hashem we choose the later. You can't fool yourself into being happy if you're really not, and no amount of material goods (clothes, manicures, a big home...) will fill the void of lacking a large, heimishe, Yiddishe community like you crave and had back home.

Most importantly, think about your (future?) children. Do you want them growing up in a small town of mostly non-Jews, full of non-Jewish influences and I would guess less than stellar Jewish educational choices? How will their lives be enhanced if they grow up in a thriving, large Jewish community with the highest quality school choices, an abundance of frum Yidden to befriend and an all around heimishe, Yiddishe atmosphere? Why on earth would you want to deny your children this- for a house and shul choices!?! No way.

Owning a house and finding a nice shul to daven at are nice, but in the grand scheme of things not that important. What's important is giving your children a Yiddishe, heimishe environment, a quality Jewish education, and I can't stress this enough- the best influences possible. "Now a Jew in sight" as you say doesn't cut it.

If I were you, I would tell my husband it's time to go back home for the sake of our (future or present) children. I would say I want them to have the best opportunities Jewishly, and that's only possible in a community like we had back home. Your husband wants you to be happy, so if he believes this all about how you feel right now, he is likely to point out all the good things about your present situation or offer to spend time back home frequently, believing this can make you feel better. If you can get him to understand how your present community is not a great place to raise heimishe Yiddishe kindelach as fewer opportunities exist Jewishly in comparison to back home (not to mention all the non-Jewish influence), how could he not say let's go back!?! If I were you I would go back home asap and stay for the sake of my children's Jewish future, and my own emotional well-being.

HUGS!!! Hug

WWG1WGA

Sat, Aug 04 2018, 10:31 pm

op, I really feel for you! I had the same experience when I moved out if N.Y. when I married my dh and came to his hometown. Everyone kept telling me you'll see soon enough you won't even want to go back to N.Y., but of course that made me feel much worse and hated the town I was on even more. I did do what one poster said. I went back to N.Y. once a week for the next 2.5 years, that really helped me and speaking to ppl who would validate my feelings. I stayed away from "anti New Yorkers" lol! Things got better because time will always do that. And you're dh is so so lucky that he has such a devoted and loving wife. Pat yourself on the back girl! You're awesome! Hang in there!

Rachel Shira

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 4:44 am

BH5745 wrote:

I really feel for the OP and would be miserable in her situation as well, but I don’t see how this post is helpful to her. She obviously would turn around in a second and go back to NY, but the chances of that being a possibility are very slim. Don’t scare her about her children’s future if this is her reality now, it’s a bit alarmist. Lots of kids grow up just fine in smaller Jewish communities.
OP, I really admire that you did this for your husband and I know it’s going to be a very hard adjustment for you. I agree with the posters saying to do whatever you need to to make it a little easier and happier for yourself, and be honest with your husband about how you’re feeling.

amother

Azure

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 5:02 am

agree with RS --

a dear friend of mine moved out of town and had a very tough time adjusting. she visited hometown as much as possible and kept in close touch. After a year while she still missed it she also had made a place for herself in her husbands hometown and made close friends and was happy.

hugs and hatzlocha!

amother

Mustard

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 5:17 am

I'm struck by the phrase "nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown." Isn't that a bit much?

You've gotten some good advice about settling in to the new place. Remember that it can take a while to acclimate. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or with your new community. Presumably there are some positive things about this community which you can learn to enjoy.

Try exploring interesting places in your new home town. Pretty parks, good shopping, a well stocked library, whatever. Chances are you will find things you like.

A new place doesn't have to replace the old one exactly. It can have good qualities all its own.

Be strong and stay positive.