Cant stand my 7 year old son

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Amber

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 8:32 am

My 7 year old son is lovely 1 on 1, an angel in cheder, and horrible all the rest of the time.
He is explosive, reactive, fights with his siblings, smashes up my house (he is currently throwing all the books off the bookshelf), always sees the worst possible in any situation (I didnt get ice cream so the whole trip to the funfair was no good).
He tells me he hates me then comes to sleep in my bed..
He has always been difficult, but is getting worse.
I feel like the words worst mother, but my other kids im fine with.
what can I do with him???

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 8:36 am

Have him evaluated for pandas by a pandas-literate MD. Not your regular pediatrician, unless they also happen to be a pandas specialist. This was my son at 5 until we started treating pandas, right down to coming to my bed at night (major night-time anxiety and fears).

mha3484

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 8:39 am

I have a child with moderate to severe ADHD. I love him to death but there are days that I am tense, angry nervous etc. We are finally seeing progress with a combo of 1) Meds 2) therapy and 3) parenting using the book the explosive child. All of it together is starting to help B'H.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 8:43 am

Yep, first rule out PANDAS.

If nothing comes up medically, he may need therapy to learn how to self regulate his emotions.

I know he's driving you crazy, but remember that inside his head it is very scary for him. Feeling out of control of your own emotions and not knowing why is pure torture.

Instead of being reactive to his outbursts, try to get him to use his words, and tell you what is going on. I guarantee you what he says when he's upset is not what he is really mad about. There's some other emotion underlying it, and he doesn't know how to express it, so it's coming out in tantrums instead.

Show as much empathy as you can, and mirror his feelings back to him. "Dovi, you are really mad about the ice cream right now. It is very frustrating to want something and not get it."

Read "The Explosive Child" and "The Highly Sensitive Child". There's a lot of excellent advice there.

Remind yourself that he would always be your sweet, obedient boy, if only he knew how.

imasinger

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:13 am

It sounds like it's time for you to play detective.

This will help with life right now, as well as provide important information for any medical or psychological evaluation.

Write it all down. Any time things are challenging, ask these questions, and note down the answers.

What was going on prior to the incident?
What did DS do?
What were the consequences?

After some time, patterns will start to emerge. You'll get a feel for what kinds of things are triggering the temper, and that may give you insight as to how to shape life to reduce the triggers, and how to effectively put in the most helpful consequences.

amother

Amber

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:21 am

Thanks for all responses!

Usually the issue is when he is bored, he defaults to fighting. Or his sister broke his lego, explosion. Basically he is intolerant.
If I can get him settled with a book he is ok, he learns well, concentrates great. Its more like he cant handle even a few mins 'out of focus'

imasinger

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:23 am

Can you offer small rewards or praise for self control in those circumstances? Help him develop a list of things he can do if he is bored, and offer a small prize or treat for choosing an appropriate activity.

Ditto for anger management. What's the family policy with Lego creations?

thanks

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:27 am

Speak with a bcba. Even if there are other issues (pandas, adhd, etc), a bcba can help deal with and modify the behaviors.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:38 am

My son has a hard personality + was molested. Despite three years of therapy, he is just more difficult than all my other kids. Sometimes I felt like I even loved him less. He can be really really annoying. And I think, "he's 7 now, but if he would do the same thing in ten years people would call him abusive." I know, hes 7 and there is time to change. But it is very hard to love someone who is acting...well, abusive. I started therapy for myself, to deal with my feelings about him, our attachment, and fully processing my feelings about his trauma. What came out recently in therapy was very surprising to me. And one point, when I was venting about his behavior I said, "I mean, he is acting like my father!" (who I have a tense relationship with). When I noticed that my 7 year old's behaviors were triggering much deeper childhood resentment from me to my father, I was able to process that and see my son's behavior for what it was. Try to answer these questions for yourself: what is your fear for your son? Who do you know that behaves like this? What does it say about you if you feel this way about your son? Answering these questions will help you see the deeper issues here. I strongly suggest therapy for you to have support. Even if your son does not remind you of another person in your life, you can use all the support you can get because nothing determines your son's future more than your bond/attachment to him.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:50 am

I have a daughter who runs hot/cold like this. She is sweet as sugar - until she doesn't get her way. And then all hell breaks loose. She becomes unrecognizable. Hits, bites, destroys things, screams bloody murder. And 30 minutes later she wants to curl up in your lap and never get off again. It's very, very hard. I love her so much, and I know in my head that this child needs more unconditional love than anyone else. But there are times that I just can't bring myself to show any because I am so angry at her behavior and cannot bring myself to hug and kiss her when she's acting like an absolute terror, lest she perceive that her bad behavior earned her this, or is okay. It's not new - she's been like this since she was a baby. Nobody abused her. I have no idea the reason she is like this. But it makes me feel like I am really failing as her mother.

mha3484

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 10:02 am

I just bought the book Self Reg by Stuart Shenker based on many peoples positive reviews. It was only $11 on amazon. It may be something you would find helpful. I plan on reading it over the second days.

OBnursemom

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 10:12 am

I have a child who sounds a lot like your son. She was diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD) recently.

amother

Peach

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 11:25 am

My 9yo is like this. Very bright, needs tons of personal attention, flies of the handle like a crazy person whenever he is tired, hungry, bored. I was actually thinking over yt to post here about it because he was so crazy.

I try to think of it like PMS. He's not fully in control and he feels yucky inside and this is how his 9 year old self knows how to deal with it. I just give him space and when he's heading into a tornado of disaster behaviors I try to get him food or a structured activity or a quiet space to rest or all 3. I verbalize it al the time. How are you feeling? Hungry? Tired? Bored? What does your body need? Food? Rest? Hug? Bathroom? It's really hard when all the kids are home and everyone needs something and he's losing it. Really hard. Forget prizes for HIM having good behavior. I worked so hard yesterday not to lose it and I only didn't because I kept promising myself that if I just make it through the day I can have wine and chocolate when they go to sleep.

Hugs and hatzlacha

nyc123

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 12:13 pm

Really helpful article -
https://drhyman.com/blog/2018/.....osis/

This behavior could be “diagnosed” with a bunch of different names that will just describe it with more characteristics. But in my opinion it’s better to get to the root of the problem. Nutritional deficiencies and poor gut health can cause many of the problems you describe, and can cause many of the labels listed above. I’d recommend you go to a nutritionist or functional medicine doctor to do further lab testing.

Cheiny

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:16 pm

amother wrote:

The first thing I’d strongly suggest is, change the title of this thread, it sounds awful. And you can be sure that you’re transmitting your very negative feelings about him to him, without saying so directly. Kids are very intuitive and feeling his mother can’t stand him will do lifelong emotional damage. Get parenting therapy fast.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:18 pm

amother wrote:

Similar situation,
Except my fear that was triggered was that my son will end up like his abusive father. I know that he’s young but I have other kids and I see the difference, they’re not all triggering me to worry , so yes it’s something to do with projecting , but there’s also some basis in my sons behavior that definitely needs refining and I really try to help him but it’s not easy.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:20 pm

OBnursemom wrote:

I have a child who sounds a lot like your son. She was diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD) recently.

So what’s the course of action for that disorder?

OBnursemom

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:29 pm

amother wrote:

So what’s the course of action for that disorder?

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/healt.....shtml

miami85

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:29 pm

I have a 6 year old like this. I have found that his meltdowns occur when there's some combination of hunger/tired/bathroom/disappointment that he can't verbalize=the emergence of "the monster". Drives me crazy. I'm working very hard with him, but he makes me feel awful as a mother also.

amother

Amber

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:49 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I didnt say im proud of it, im deeply ashamed of the fact that he brings up all these bad feelings.

Last night went for a walk together, he is instantly lovable 1on1, and we had a nice time.

He was an IUGR baby, I sometimes feel like he was born starving and needy and it never went away, just changed forms. I literally (literally) held him nonstop for the first year of his life.

And yes, the person he reminds me of most is myself, I guess we both have what to work on

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