I feel resentful and like an awful mom (1 yr and 4 yr old)

amother

Dodgerblue

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:28 pm

I feel resentful and like an awful mom.

My baby (16 months) hates milk; only drinks water. He nurses about 4 times a day- all at night. (6 pm, 9 pm, 1 am, 4 am). Not for long; it's probably for comfort vs nutrition.
He does not go to sleep or nap nicely; he cries for 10-20 minutes, even after I nurse him. He used to go to sleep right away; this new habit is about 3 weeks old. I don't like that I'm still nursing as I can never have a break (dh and I can't go away for even a night; and we have time our dates for after I nurse him at 6 pm but before he will wake up next). But I feel bad to stop nursing, as he clearly wants the comfort of it.
I also resent his many night wakings. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do CIO because I'm worried that it will be emotionally harmful if I ignore him and suddenly stop the mid-night nursings.

Meanwhile, 4 year old started coming into our room each night. Which means dh and I can't have normal s-x in the comfort of our own beds. That leaves me feeling so resentful. As a parent there are SO many comforts we give up and so many stresses in life; the one thing that brings us together is intimacy and even THAT we can't have normally.
I'm going to try a chart but I'm not certain it will work.
Tonight I got overworked and too upset and my poor 4 year old; it's the resentment building inside me.
This all makes me feel like a burnt out, awful mom.
Advice please, if anyone has!

ectomorph

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:36 pm

As a fellow parent of several toddlers. Take him out of your room. It means a few sleepless nights as he gets used to the new reality. You mist save your marriage.
Re nursing. I weaned one child at this age. Try replacing one nursing with adrive in the car for a week. After a week he wont remember he nursed at that time

oneofakind

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:36 pm

You sound pretty normal to me. I wish I would have set better limits with my kids when they were little so I wouldn't have been so sleep deprived, resentful and angry. See if baby can drink formula, milk substitutes or whatever to get calcium and so can slowly drop a feeding at a time. 4 yr old needs to stay in bed. Period. Good luck.

ectomorph

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:51 pm

amother wrote:

What does it mean, "4 yr old needs to stay in bed?"
What do I do when he comes out of bed (like he did tonight) and throws a tantrum if I don't let him in my room?

let him throw the tantrum. Expect getting him out to meana few sleep deprivrd days for you.
Eventually he will collapse into bed. The next day it will not take so long.
I have similar age kids and recently dealt with both issue

amother

Powderblue

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:54 pm

It sounds like you are not naturally a disaplinarian. Your kids pick up on it and know they can get away with things.

At the end of the day, so what if ur 4 year old has a tantrum? Put him back in bed and let him scream. Nothing will happen to him and he won't be scarred for life.

Same goes for your 16 month old. Start weaning him and let him scream when he gets mad. Ur not abandoning him. U are setting limits. It's ok and its healthy.

Once you set limits you won't resent your kids. It's not fair to resent them for things that are your responsibility.

Redbird

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:58 pm

Instead of letting the 4 your old into your room, you go lay with him in his room every time. and with time you can gradually move out. (sit next to his bed, then by the door....) This may take time and patience, but it is best way with kids that age.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 10:21 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you. Even reading this makes me feel healthier and hopeful.
The 4 year old - I printed a chart and will let him tantrum if worse comes to worse.

Baby- I will nurse him (if he wants) before bed, put him into crib and let him cry 10-15 min till he falls asleep. When he wakes up, I should ignore him until the morning? Is that healthy? Is that ok? He will cry, I bet for an hour or so!
Should I go in to offer him his pacifier and water cup (which he throws out of the crib when he cries)?

oneofakind

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 10:41 pm

He should have sippy cup and pacifier in bed with him. explain to him (some of these kids are really smart) that no more nursing at night, if he screams for too long, you can talk to him from outside the door.... do whatever you conscience tells you to do except for nursing him. Maybe it's better if DH does the talking. it might not be easy or you'll be surprised how easy it'll be and you'll wonder why you didn't do this before.

amother

Jade

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 10:49 pm

I have a 9 month old that wakes up to nurse several times a night. I find that if I catch it at the first few whimpers, I can put in a pacifier and she'll go back to sleep. But once she's up, she scream it out. And it only works once a night, because she is still little and still needs the nursing.

amother

Black

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 11:50 pm

I just sleep trained my 12 month old using the method from the Sleepeasy Solution. Which is basically putting baby to bed, then going in to soothe after 5 minutes, then 10, then 15 and then 20 minutes (if still crying). When you go in to soothe, don’t go close to the crib or touch the baby, just use soothing words for a short time and leave.

It was hard on me to keep on seeing her crying but very effective. She realized that I wouldn’t be taking her out and I didn’t feel like I was abandoning her by letting her just cry it out and not going in. It took about five days for her to go to sleep with 10-15 minutes of crying.

She had previously been giving me a very hard time going to sleep (needing endless nursing and patting) and was waking up numerous times a night. This week she started going to sleep normally and stopped waking up at night too!! She is now sleeping from approx 7-7.

A sound machine in her room was also helpful.

I was really at the end of my rope and feeling very resentful like you...I wish I had done this earlier!! No we have to work on naps...😌

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Oct 28 2018, 9:47 am

amother wrote:

You dont have to do cry it out if ur not comfortable. Go sit with him, offer water, pacifier, teddy bear, whatever. It will take a while till he learns but he will learn and then he'll sleep better. As long as he's getting enough food during the day you can be confident that he's crying out of habit and not hunger.

Personally I don't have the patience to sit with a baby in the middle of the night. I would probably go in, give him a quick snuggle so he knows I didn't leave forever, and leave the room again. Maybe I would go in a second time if he's still crying 15 minutes later.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Oct 28 2018, 9:49 am

amother wrote:

This seems like a great solution if you don't want to do cry it out.

amother

Blush

Sun, Oct 28 2018, 4:56 pm

My baby (16 months) hates milk; only drinks water. He nurses about 4 times a day- all at night. (6 pm, 9 pm, 1 am, 4 am). Not for long; it's probably for comfort vs nutrition.
He does not go to sleep or nap nicely; he cries for 10-20 minutes, even after I nurse him. He used to go to sleep right away; this new habit is about 3 weeks old. I don't like that I'm still nursing as I can never have a break (dh and I can't go away for even a night; and we have time our dates for after I nurse him at 6 pm but before he will wake up next). But I feel bad to stop nursing, as he clearly wants the comfort of it.
I also resent his many night wakings. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do CIO because I'm worried that it will be emotionally harmful if I ignore him and suddenly stop the mid-night nursings.

This sounds almost like your talking about me Rolling Eyes

but a few weeks ago. I desperately needed to stop nursing, and tried giving her a formula bottle every night(kendamil worked in the end) for about two weeks she refused, but then b"h started taking it, its just about three weeks now since she started, and she already forgot about nursing! She still wakes up but instead of five times a night, its two times a night, and I definitely feel like a diff person as I'm getting some more sleep. Wish you loads of luck.