We are destroying this kid.

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Amber

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:42 pm

I'm so sad right now.

DS, 11 years old, is being extremely impossible to deal with. Over the past few months, he's gone from being impulsive and strong-willed but also kind and goodhearted to outright manipulative and chutzpadik.

He pushes us completely past our limits, and we are making one horrible mistake after the next.

We recently bought him a pet he wanted, because we thought it would bring out the kindness and responsibility in him. He is totally obsessed with it, and disregards all the rules we made pertaining to it.

Because of this, and t fact that he refused to listen today (he repeatedly smacked his brother and refused to stay in his room as a consequence, and didn't stop there...) I told him that we are getting rid of it (something we had threatened before), and that I really mean it this time. He is going to be devastated when we really carry this out. I feel like such a cruel person, and a horrible parent. And I'm afraid he'll rebel in return.

I told him he is entitled to nothing except food, clothing, and shelter, and what he needs for school. I told him I am done with his chutzpah, and until he changes his attitude he gets nothing extra.

Today I crossed a line I never ever dreamed and tried to slap him. He turned away and I missed.

I got a hold myself, but can't stop shaking. I have never before understood how a parent can be physical with a child. I always had ALL the answers. I teach people how to parent!!!! I was so self-righteous. I cannot believe this is happening to me.

I don't know how to parent this child.

I am falling apart here.

marina

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:52 pm

plse search up parenting with radical acceptance videos w ruchi koval you may enjoy them I find they have helped me parent better. There’s also a FB group

Maya

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:54 pm

amother wrote:

Have you tried to figure out if there may be a difficulty he’s dealing with that has caused these changes in him?

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 6:57 pm

amother wrote:

has he been evaluated for adhd or mood disorder

Has anything new happened recently at school or home

Does he get a lot of outside activity( my brother was a diff person when he walked 10 miles a day at this age... Some kids just need to be outside)

Maya

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:00 pm

amother wrote:

Where does an 11 year old child walk ten miles a day?

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:01 pm

Maya wrote:

Where does an 11 year old child walk ten miles a day?

he had a route that went through prospect park... Hes now married happily w kids huge talmid chacham

LittleMissMama

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:14 pm

My son is often like this. Like the PP mentioned, he is much better when he has lots of physical activity, as odd as it seems. My other kids do not need it, but he does. I sometimes bring him to the local rec center just to run laps and then I attempt to play basketball or soccer with him. His bottled up energy comes out as chutzpah.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:16 pm

Have you tried reading "the explosive child"?

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:18 pm

LittleMissMama wrote:

lol I have only boys and I hope I'll be prepared if they end up being like my brother

amother

Mint

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:21 pm

amother wrote:

I can't believe I'm reading this! Anyone who knows me IRL will think I wrote this post - minus the pet.

Okay, here's what the vast storehouses of Google have told me, plus a dash of my mother-in-law's advice (because she raised the most awesome sons).

First of all, this is NORMAL. This is supposedly what they mean by being a teenager, which is a misnomer because it happens pretty much when they hit double digits. Secondly, the manipulation is so awful when you witness it, but it supposedly also is a normal part of growing up - to try to get yourself control, etc.

My mother in law encouraged me to sign my son up for opportunities to foster his loving and empathetic side, not that I've seen much of it. But I signed him up to do chesed at someone's house. He's not thrilled, but there you go. There's a lot of tzedakah opportunities - even just going on Sundays or thereabouts to the nursing home, or to a hospital as a volunteer for bikur cholim, etc. Let him witness situations that are sad or difficult, and help him develop empathy.

The chutzpah is also, tragically, normal. But you can sometimes sit him down and explain to him that he would get what he wanted much more readily if he used a nicer tone. Sometimes this works for me, but mostly it doesn't really. I just correct him and say, "Try saying it like this, instead of like that, " in a neutral voice over and over and over and over and over and over and over until you want to throw yourself off a bridge. And then again.

But also, find out what he likes, and use the reward system to gain access to it. Like a screen. Or a pet. Otherwise, you control it.

It's not ideal. But you're not alone! We all lose it!

mha3484

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:23 pm

I second the explosive child.

amother

Lime

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:31 pm

I really don't think you should get rid of the pet. He really likes it and would probably make him so upset. Try talking to him and say we really want you to be able to keep it but you need to work with us - and lower your expectations

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:39 pm

If this is sudden, I would look to see if he had a recent infection or strep...if he was in the country this summer, I would check for lyme and co infections...or abuse bu someone...
Please rule out physical reasons first before labeling him a chutzpanyak etc...
Maybe there is something that isn't his fault...

4pom

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:40 pm

SO HARD!
All I can say and add is that until you find self acceptance and self-love and self compassion you won't be able to have acceptance or compassion for your son.
Its by accepting your own imperfection- especially this last “failing” , that youll have a chance at opening your heart towards your son.
Lots of Hatzlacha

Jeanette

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:43 pm

I really like the Nurtured Heart approach.

http://difficultchild.com

amother

Gold

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:44 pm

Op I have no advice, but just know that so many of us struggle with such a child.
It’s tough. Parenting doesn’t come with instructions Sad

Hang in there it gets better.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:50 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so

I told him he is entitled to nothing except food, clothing, and shelter, and what he needs for school.

.

And love. He is also entitled to love. In a way that he feels it regardless of his behavior. Don't forget to love him in a way that he knows it.

I've never parented an explosive child but I've had many explosive students and I found that after I've disciplined them and punished them and they are sitting angry and defiant I wait a half hour or so. Or sometimes even until the end of the day right before dismissal. I go over to them and just surprise them with a hug and a loving touch and say have a good day I'll see you tomorrow in a loving voice. They are always shocked and still defiant but I know it stays with them and they come the next day alot more mellow. They aren't afraid to come back to school. They know I love them.
Again I never parented an explosive child but it would be similar to wishing them good night in a loving way no strings attached.
This is of course assuming that this isn't an energy that needs to be released issue in which case if I am way off then disregard.

Laiya

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:51 pm

OP, tweens and teens are really hard. Regarding the pet, I know you want to show follow-through, but I don't think you should take it away. You got him the pet because you hoped it would bring out his nurturing side. If your instincts were right, and he's able to show kindness and nurture for this pet, then that's a good thing.

Also, a pet is a relationship. It's different than taking away a privilege imo. Forcing an end to this relationship might cause your ds deep pain, and just further entrench his power struggle with you. Lots of hatzlocha, I know it's really challenging.

amother

Beige

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:56 pm

My son is similar so difficult. Explosive child was good to understanding.
In general I find kill him with love works really well - at least until he throws it back in our face.
I really try as much as possible to just shower with love because I feel so bad how he acts he is at war with everyone.
I figure if I was him lashing out I’d want someone to pull me close.
One thing I’ve found is when he gets deep in his anger he just doesn’t care so no matter how bad the threat is it will make no difference in his behavior so it isn’t worth it to make them because I only punish myself seeing it through with no results. .

flowerpower

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 7:58 pm

Being a parent is hard. Being a parent to a difficult preteen is really hard!!!! What I suggest is calling Eitzah or meeting with someone that gives parenting courses on how to deal with him. I’m sure some guidance can come to good use.

Seems like he needs-
Lots of love- more than the norm. Give him extra att. Look away when he does small
Silly stuff...
Consistency- only punish if you need to. If you threaten with something then stick to it! It has to be related to the behavior. Don’t threaten or punish often. It will backfire for sure.
Postive reinforcement-if you see he controlled himself from doing something bad or he was pretty good that day then praise him and offer him a reward like a 1:1 trip to the ice cream store
Sign him up to something like a music class or a sport

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