We are destroying this kid.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 8:11 pm

Read "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic". It will give you some amazing parenting tools to work with.

From your child's point of view, the pet isn't a "thing" like a toy, it's something that he really loves. I would be horrified if my parents took any of my pets away.

Try taking away something electronic, a play date, or a favorite toy. Assign extra chores in order to earn back the item that has been removed. I've found this to be way more effective.

little neshamala

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 8:55 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sad right now.

DS, 11 years old, is being extremely impossible to deal with. Over the past few months, he's gone from being impulsive and strong-willed but also kind and goodhearted to outright manipulative and chutzpadik.

He pushes us completely past our limits, and we are making one horrible mistake after the next.

We recently bought him a pet he wanted, because we thought it would bring out the kindness and responsibility in him. He is totally obsessed with it, and disregards all the rules we made pertaining to it.

Because of this, and t fact that he refused to listen today (he repeatedly smacked his brother and refused to stay in his room as a consequence, and didn't stop there...) I told him that we are getting rid of it (something we had threatened before), and that I really mean it this time. He is going to be devastated when we really carry this out. I feel like such a cruel person, and a horrible parent. And I'm afraid he'll rebel in return.

I told him he is entitled to nothing except food, clothing, and shelter, and what he needs for school. I told him I am done with his chutzpah, and until he changes his attitude he gets nothing extra.

Today I crossed a line I never ever dreamed and tried to slap him. He turned away and I missed.

I got a hold myself, but can't stop shaking. I have never before understood how a parent can be physical with a child. I always had ALL the answers. I teach people how to parent!!!! I was so self-righteous. I cannot believe this is happening to me.

I don't know how to parent this child.

I am falling apart here.

You need to tell him you regret saying the bolded and you dont mean it.

amother

Amber

Wed, Dec 26 2018, 11:44 pm

Thank you all for the support!

So many differing responses. I'll see what I have time for.

It's very unlikely that this is pandas or abuse or the like.

He does have ADHD, and has been medicated for the past 8 months. We've been slowly upping the dose and it could be that he is finally feeling the effects. But today he wasn't on them at all, and I don't really see a difference in chutzpah when he is or isn't.

This year, he is finally doing really well academically, and I believe the meds play a big part. He can finally slow down and focus.

But he is really struggling socially. That's not a new thing. He needs to be totally in control and admired in those relationships, and can be really stubborn. He is impulsive and embarrasses himself socially because of it. The past two weeks have been worse than usual, because he got in a bad fight with a friend, and the kid turned everyone against him, and shared his secrets with others publicly.

He came to me later tonight and said he doesn't want to live. That he feels like he should commit suicide, because he has nothing now. No friends and no family. I feel horrible.

I'm not new to Ross Greene and the like! I'm in the field, and have TONS of information and insight. And I generally shine as a parent, which makes this so much harder!!! I know how damaging we are being, but in the moment, I couldn't stop. In the past, while I can show understanding and support to others, I really never ever dreamed I'd act like this. I know better. I am disgusted with myself, and totally in shock. Super shaken up, and doubting everything I ever thought I knew.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 12:17 am

Hugs and more hugs! I'm crying with you. I feel a similar pain with my DD. I have nothing to offer in terms of advice. Let's pray for each other.

amother wrote:

amother

Aqua

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 12:19 am

amother wrote:

Could be his meds need readjusting?

Agree. Call the doctor ASAP. Especially with the suicide comment. Those drugs are powerful and need adjustment. He is growing and his body is changing rapidly, so the meds may need adjustment.

As sincerely as I can say this, please don’t make this about you at this moment. You need to temporarily table your thoughts about your reaction and be available for your DS. Revisit your reaction when his “crisis” has passed and you can work on you, and get back to shining🌟

familyfirst

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 12:32 am

Please remind hI'm that he does have family and that you made a mistake. That humbling comment may restore some of his self esteem. Come up with a solution together with him.
Can't blame the kid- having your secrets spilled out In The open and having everyone gang up on you is beyond mortiphying. Even Adults, who are credited with more wisdom and life experience wouldn't hold up against that kind of pressure.
Time to build up his self esteem. Karate lessons. Music lessons. Tutor younger kids. Let him bake a cake. And eat it even if you are on a diet...compliments and love and hugs and love and compliments.
And give him back his pet. He needs that unconditional love.

Iymnok

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 2:38 am

Meds don’t make good middos. So being chutzpadik on meds doesn’t mean it’s not working. (Doesn’t mean it is either)
You threatened to to take away the pet if he did certain actions. He did. Now you have to carry through. Find someone to pet-sit for a week, pay them if you have to.
As others have said, positive physical outlets. Give him lots of love. Talk to his Dr about his meds. Adjustment is normal especially in the years around puberty.

You said he has ADHD, does he have a coach? As I understand, a coach makes all the difference.

amother

Natural

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 7:14 am

I have a 12 year old boy like yours. ADHD. Learning challenges. Very difficult behaviors. I spend a lot of time snuggling him and playing stuffed animals with him (he loves his stuffies). I give the stuffies funny voices and we role-play stuff. It helps him develop empathy and understanding of others' perspectives.

I think it's a shock to most parents when they realize their child is hitting the teen years and is going to defy them. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's really normal. It's a good opportunity to show him how to handle making mistakes. Apologize. Hug him. Don't take away the dog. Explain that you said something that you didn't really mean, because you were upset, and that you're going to work on controlling yourself better. My kids with ADHD are more understanding of stuff like this than my non-ADHD kids, because they know what it's like to do something out of a flash of emotion and impulsivity.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 8:11 am

Iymnok wrote:

If a parent told their kid that the consequence of x behavior is that they won't be allowed to use deodorant for a week, and the child did the thing, would you say, well, the parent laid out the consequence, so they have to follow through? No, you'd say they maybe weren't thinking this through when they came up with that consequence and they really need to find something more appropriate. A pet is not a video game you can take away or a concert you can ground them from. It's a living, breathing creature that may well have formed an attachment to its caregiver. Also, pets have been proven to have countless mental health benefits for their owners, so for a kid who's clearly suffering from mental health issues, taking away a pet is the LAST thing you want to do. The only situation in which I'd advise taking away a pet is if the kid is not being responsible in caring for the pet and its too much of a burden for the parents to pick up the slack. Then it should be rehomed with care. But no, you cannot treat a pet like a cell phone that can be taken away for bad behavior and returned for good behavior. Of course this kid needs consequences, but not on the cheshbon of this animal or his mental health.

And no one is saying the meds need to be changed because he's being chutzpadik. Posters are raising a very real concern regarding his suicide comment. Some of these medications are known to have suicidal ideation as a potential side effect, so the fact that he mentioned is absolutely a red flag that must be shared with the prescribing doctor immediately. He may need a lower dose, or a different medication altogether, because his safety is at stake.

ora_43

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 8:52 am

Beyond what people have said about checking the link between meds and depressive thoughts -

keep in mind that even regular ADD meds that are working properly often cause a "crash" at some point (say, late afternoon). So if your kid is suddenly totally out of control at a similar time each day - hitting, yelling, etc - it might be linked to the meds.

As with depression, the first step would be to talk to his doctor and see about adjusting the meds. Although sometimes, there's no real way around it - it just needs to be accepted and not seen as a sign that he's badly behaved in general or that you aren't parenting well.

little neshamala

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 8:55 am

familyfirst wrote:

I agree with this