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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:15 pm
(Yes, I know you all know who I am. I'd still rather go anon.)
One of the big reasons I chose to start in the NYC public schools, and then to stay this coming year despite the difficulties, is having summers off. A lot of people told me that as my kids get older, that's going to be a big deal.
However, I'm already starting to see how difficult it's going to be to have such an inflexible schedule. My son is starting preschool and his orientation is from 10-12 next Tuesday. Guess who starts work next Tuesday? Me, along with the rest of the world.
How am I going to deal with all these events that I can't take off for? I don't want him to miss out! I remember how difficult it was for some of my siblings when my mother couldn't make it to their events- plays, "Mommy and me," etc.
At the same time, we need the money, the health insurance, and the summers off...
It's not set in stone that I'm going to be in the public school system forever. But let's say I'd switch to computer programming or data analytics, which are the two things I'd be able to switch to with maximum return and minimum hassle. I'd still be working full-time and wouldn't have too much more flexibility- in fact, my hours would most likely be longer, plus I'd be working in the summer!
Right now, this is essentially a vent, since there's not much I can do about it. But I'm wondering what full-time working moms without much flexibility do when their kids have events, especially during times you can't take off (such as the first day of work for the year or when you've used too many days).
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amother
Azure
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:19 pm
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Your husband needs to pitch in when you can't do it. Parents switch off in taking these types of responsibilities and flexing their schedules
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amother
OP
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:22 pm
| amother [ Azure ] wrote: | | Your husband needs to pitch in when you can't do it. Parents switch off in taking these types of responsibilities and flexing their schedules |
Well, since you all know who I am anyway-
My husband is in a coding bootcamp that runs from 9-6:30 in Manhattan every day. He will be finished at the end of December iy"h, but until then, his schedule is even more inflexible than mine.
In the long run, what are the chances that a software developer will have more flexibility than someone working in public school?
Also, my DH can't take my place at a "Mommy and me" or girls' events once they're in elementary school.
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amother
Azure
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:25 pm
Usually one parent needs to be flexible.
Or they need to hire a nanny who can cover when a parent isn't able to be there.
But that's the reality of having kids. Lots of things happen during work hours- that our kids need us for.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:30 pm
| amother [ Azure ] wrote: | Usually one parent needs to be flexible.
Or they need to hire a nanny who can cover when a parent isn't able to be there.
But that's the reality of having kids. Lots of things happen during work hours- that our kids need us for. |
A nanny cannot substitute for a parent in covering these kinds of events.
I have family members who can BE'H take him in case he's sick or needs to come home early. I also have a family member who will most likely take my place at this orientation.
But I just feel so bad 
For the next few months, flexibility is a moot point; I am working to cover the bills while DH gains the necessary skills/certification to launch his career.
In the long run, I did consider different options, but none of them seem to fit with making enough money to cover our hope to buy a house!
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amother
Coral
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:34 pm
One parent must be flexible or you need a live in or hired help. Mommy and me days are scheduled usually and you can arrange to take off. I personally don't do orientation for pre School. Most dates are scheduled and you will know when to request time off. The hardest times for me are all the vacations,- Chanukah, mid Winter, pesach etc....and where I live... SNOW DAYS.
I work 6 -7 hours a day .....so not 100% full time but also not part time either.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:37 pm
| simba wrote: | | Can grandma go? |
My mom works full-time. My MIL doesn't work but I don't know if she could go.
I might actually have my grandmother go- that's what my mother used to do, and she's still young enough to get out. She's not the most reliable time-wise, though.
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amother
Bisque
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:40 pm
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I feel for you op. I took a lower paying job in my profession that has lots of flexibility for this reason. It's really hard to work with young kids. They are always having days off and getting sick. One parent needs to have a flexible job or else it won't work. I think about this a lot because I keep on thinking what if I had a job with a regular schedule I would have to quit, because my husband's job is not flexible, he can't ever take off when the kids are sick or have appointments.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:44 pm
| amother [ Bisque ] wrote: | | I feel for you op. I took a lower paying job in my profession that has lots of flexibility for this reason. It's really hard to work with young kids. They are always having days off and getting sick. One parent needs to have a flexible job or else it won't work. I think about this a lot because I keep on thinking what if I had a job with a regular schedule I would have to quit, because my husband's job is not flexible, he can't ever take off when the kids are sick or have appointments. |
Look, if DH ends up advancing in his field, I'll switch fields in a heartbeat. I have enough skill that I can find something to supplement if he is the breadwinner.
Right now, though, I do pretty well, with a nice growth schedule over the next few years. And summers off is a big deal!
Days off and illness aren't as big of a deal for me, as I have two emergency babysitters. Also, I can more easily justify taking off from work if my kid is sick.
It's these kinds of things that I'm worried about. Will I be the only mother not at the orientation?
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amother
OP
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:46 pm
| amother [ Coral ] wrote: | One parent must be flexible or you need a love in or hired help. Mommy and me days are scheduled usually and you can arrange to take off. I personally don't do orientation for pre School. Most dates are scheduled and you will know when to request time off. The hardest times for me are all the vacations,- Chanukah, mid Winter, pesach etc....and where I live... SNOW DAYS.
I work 6 -7 hours a day .....so not 100% full time but also not part time either. |
The thing is, I only have 10 days total and my principal makes a huge deal if I get close to that number.
I'm wondering how much I can get away with taking a few hours off here and there... I don't know.
By the way, I technically work 6 hours and 50 minutes every day, so it's not 100% full-time in the traditional 9 to 5 sense.
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amother
Blonde
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:47 pm
It's really hard, Op. I leave when my kids are still asleep in the morning, and I feel so guilty 'sneaking out'. But if they're awake, its that much harder to leave!
Just want to point out that if you're not teaching, Tue wouldn't be your first day and you'd be able to take off an hour or two more easily than if its your first day.
Summers off are overrated. What's hard is inbetween school and camp, when the kids have off adn we don't. But we figure it out.
But, I'm sure you bring home lots of work after school hours that 9-5 jobs don't have. So, I work during summer, but when I'm home, I'm fully present.
So, everything has its pros and cons. Just want to show you the other side.
Good Luck on the new school year.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:50 pm
| amother [ Blonde ] wrote: | It's really hard, Op. I leave when my kids are still asleep in the morning, and I feel so guilty 'sneaking out'. But if they're awake, its that much harder to leave!
Just want to point out that if you're not teaching, Tue wouldn't be your first day and you'd be able to take off an hour or two more easily than if its your first day.
Summers off are overrated. What's hard is inbetween school and camp, when the kids have off adn we don't. But we figure it out.
But, I'm sure you bring home lots of work after school hours that 9-5 jobs don't have. So, I work during summer, but when I'm home, I'm fully present.
So, everything has its pros and cons. Just want to show you the other side.
Good Luck on the new school year. |
I actually just switched to special ed (co-teaching) instead of gen ed for precisely this reason. Chances are that I will be taking a lot less work home.
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amother
Blonde
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:53 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I actually just switched to special ed (co-teaching) instead of gen ed for precisely this reason. Chances are that I will be taking a lot less work home. |
Good for you! You're off to a great start!
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nanny24/7
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:53 pm
I usually skipped orientation for this reason and my kids were just fine with coming the next full day to school for the first time and spending orientation day at a babysitter all day. It's kids who were home with their mothers until starting school, and not used to going to a babysitter or playgroup that the orientation is really important for them.
Happens to be my last DC who started preschool I was able to go and there were definitely a few kids missing from the class that day.
Most schools only have a Mommy and Me once a year, so for those I try to make it my business to be there.
I feel very bad that I did once come late to a performance of one of my kids. I was right in front of the school already and my boss swung by to give me paperwork and held me up convincing me that "they for sure won't start exactly on time". Well they actually did.
I stopped doing school birthday parties as my kids appreciate stuff we do at home to celebrate much more anyhow.
The bigger issue I have is with all the days that school starts late or ends early. Like every Isru chag, or fast days, etc.... I don't have any family that can chip in and those days are really hard. Plenty of times I had to wake up really early so I can be all done with dressing and breakfast to drive kids to a babysitter at 8:00 am and arrange for the school buses to pick them up from there. Never mind the money involved.
And my DH schedule is usually really tight too.
I think you really don't need to feel bad.
And yes IMO it's fine if neither you or DH are flexible at all.
That's the reality for you right now and it's okay. I can't imagine you are better off switching to a much lower paying job just to make it to a school play.
Also, I am not familiar with the public school system, do they not allow you to take any days off even if you tell them way in advance?
I would think that legally they have to give you at least a little leeway. Am I wrong?
I do understand though that missing the first day of school is a bummer though.
Talking about that, I have a relative who was also a teacher and had a very close family wedding that was on the first day of school. She was majorly stressed about it for months in advance. Turns out she got a business job offer which she accepted so she left the teaching job. Well the new boss was a total jerk and refused to let her take off work the day of the wedding. So she had to scramble and pay a taxi to go to an out of town wedding straight from work, and get dressed later. It was crazy.
Not trying to scare you, my point is just that there is really no guaranteed way to predict which job will be more or less flexible.
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oliveoil
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:54 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: |
In the long run, what are the chances that a software developer will have more flexibility than someone working in public school?
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Very likely, actually.
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nanny24/7
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 10:58 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | The thing is, I only have 10 days total and my principal makes a huge deal if I get close to that number.
I'm wondering how much I can get away with taking a few hours off here and there... I don't know.
By the way, I technically work 6 hours and 50 minutes every day, so it's not 100% full-time in the traditional 9 to 5 sense. |
So if you take off more than 10 days, even if you agree to not get paid for the extra days off, you get in trouble?
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unexpected
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 11:03 pm
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I am not a working mother so I don't know if my opinion counts but imho, you don't have to worry about missing orientation. Your son will not know he missed it and in either case it is highly overrated. With some kids it can be very detrimental because then they think you will take them every day and bring them home 15 minutes later. They really don't get it...
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amother
Aubergine
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 11:14 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | (Yes, I know you all know who I am. I'd still rather go anon.)
One of the big reasons I chose to start in the NYC public schools, and then to stay this coming year despite the difficulties, is having summers off. A lot of people told me that as my kids get older, that's going to be a big deal.
However, I'm already starting to see how difficult it's going to be to have such an inflexible schedule. My son is starting preschool and his orientation is from 10-12 next Tuesday. Guess who starts work next Tuesday? Me, along with the rest of the world.
How am I going to deal with all these events that I can't take off for? I don't want him to miss out! I remember how difficult it was for some of my siblings when my mother couldn't make it to their events- plays, "Mommy and me," etc.
At the same time, we need the money, the health insurance, and the summers off...
It's not set in stone that I'm going to be in the public school system forever. But let's say I'd switch to computer programming or data analytics, which are the two things I'd be able to switch to with maximum return and minimum hassle. I'd still be working full-time and wouldn't have too much more flexibility- in fact, my hours would most likely be longer, plus I'd be working in the summer!
Right now, this is essentially a vent, since there's not much I can do about it. But I'm wondering what full-time working moms without much flexibility do when their kids have events, especially during times you can't take off (such as the first day of work for the year or when you've used too many days). |
No answers. Just sympathy.  Working f/t and being a mom is an incredible struggle. We all just kind of muddle along and somehow make things happen. Every time we figure out something different, it's not like we have an answer even for ourselves.
Maybe this time you can ask the Morah if there's any way to bring your son at a time that's more workable for you, maybe a few days earlier while she's setting up the classroom?
Or an aunt who hasn't started school yet can take him?
If not I'd just skip it. Prepare him by stopping by one day. Walk in to pay tuition and show him around.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Aug 26 2019, 11:22 pm
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You really have to be less uptight about this. You do your best and that's it. I've had bubby go to Chanukah parties and it was a special bonding time for them. If your attitude is cool your kids will be too. Skip the orientation if you can't make it. Go earlier on the first day and stay a little. Wala orientation. Your attitude needs to be flexible and solution seeking. Right now it comes across as overwhelmed and problem focused.
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