When parents help pay for expenses - sibling's wedding

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amother

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:08 pm

Do they just offer?
Or do you ask for help?

My brother is getting married overseas and it will be a huge expense to fly in. My parents are simple, no extra money. I doubt they will offer to help pay for expenses. How do I bring it up?
I don't know what they think, they are sure we are flying in with the whole family, which will cost around $10,000. We are simple, hardworking people who earn enough for the basic monthly expenses- zero left for extras.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My sister in law (husband’s sister) and family didn’t come to our wedding (overseas) because they couldn’t swing it. It sucks but sometimes that’s how it rolls.

polka dots

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:11 pm

If your parents won’t be helping you, what is going to be your plan? Will you leave the kids home? Fly single? Not go at all?

Whatever it is tell your parents. “We would love to bring the whole family but due to the expense just me and my husband can come.”

If they really want everyone to come they might step in and offer help.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:14 pm

Why not start with communicating the facts: If you have no one to help you pay, will you still go alone? It is very common for only the "blood sibling" to attend, given the costs, and the need for one parent to stay home and hold down the fort. Sometimes it is acutally the "inlaw sibling" who goes to represent the family.

One person often can stay with relatives/friends and not need a hotel room. One person can take a bus more easily than a family so no need for a car rental.The question is, do you have the money for one person to go? If not, then I guess tell your parents that none of you will be able to attend.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:25 pm

My sister is getting married overseas in about 6 weeks and my parents didn't offer any help. So I can't go. I was pretty surprised that they didn't offer anything but I can't blame them for not having the cash if I don't either, right? I don't believe that anyone should spend money they don't have unless it's a really extreme situation.

amother

Navy

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:47 pm

I think you need to tell them where you're holding so you can get the facts on the ground and everyone knows what to expect. If you can't afford it, you can't afford, but then you have to let your parents know so that you don't end up with mismatched expectations. Once you lay it out, they can decide what they want to do with that. Perhaps it's so important to them that everyone be there that they'll beg borrow and steal to make it happen. Or they'll be sad, but accept it is what it is. Parents of course don't have to pay for anything, but they also don't get to be upset about it if you don't bring your whole family because you can't afford to.

essie14

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:50 pm

"I can't wait to see everyone. I'll be arriving on 《date》 DH will be home with the kids "
If they express disappointment you can say that's all we can afford and see if they offer to pay.

banana123

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:51 pm

In all honesty, in a similar situation, we did not go. We were requested to borrow money to pay for the tickets and we said no, we do not borrow unless ch"v we have no other choice to put food on the table. Too bad. If the money is not there then it is not there. They can livestream or find a way to pay for it or split the costs among everyone (you included if you can do it) if it is so important that you come.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 2:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In my experience, since the parents/inlaws are so busy with wedding prep plus dealing with all the expenses, they forget to think about the fact that some siblings cant afford to bring the entire family. And, sometimes they may pay for one siblings family to come and not for the other sibiling simply bec. They "assume" certain siblings have money while the other is "poor". Then, they may still get insulted you didnt bring everyone.

So, in your case, they probably think you can afford it or they are just "not thinking about it" and just expect you all to come.

So, yes, it is better for you to bring it up now. But, be prepared, you may be surprised that they are very hurt and angry that only you are going or.... or, maybe they will understand.

You must tell your parents your plan.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 3:38 pm

I missed my brother's wedding overseas because I didn't have the money for flight... Accomodations would have been provided. My mom offered that someone wanted to pay for my ticket. That was $1000.
I didn't have 350 for my Visa and a money for a ticket and Visa for my one month old baby. I would also have loss of work, so no pay. In addition, my husband comes home from work at 6, so I would need to hire a babysitter.
Even with my flight paid for, I would be out of pocket over 2000. I just couldn't do it. I had to decline. I was the only sibling who didn't go.

Gerbera

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 7:50 pm

I went to my brother's wedding alone overseas. My husband and children stayed home. Same with my sister - she came alone. If you can't afford it - you can't do it. As a previous poster mentioned - let them know you are coming alone - at that point it would be up to them to offer assistance. My husband is from a different continent to where I lived and got married. His 3 siblings came in their own and left spouses and kids behind. I don't think a lot of ppl have several thousand dollars ready for international travel. I would personally never ask for help unless I couldn't afford the ticket for myself but you know your relationship with them best.

amother

Gold

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 8:31 pm

I don't understand the need for such coyness with close family members.

First you determine whether you can fly to the wedding without financial assistance. If you can't afford to fly, you let the family know that you can't make it because of the cost. This is the most tactful way to do so because it makes it clear that. you would otherwise love to be there but can't swing it. I would think most people would understand that many people can not afford several thousand dollars to fly for a simcha.

Then the parents (or others) can offer to pay for whoever they think they want to fund to be there. If there is no offer, then so be it.

Personally I would not ask my parents for money to fly - or for any other expense that was essentially discretionary. A medical emergency is different than a trip to a simcha even for a close relative. This is my opinion and the dynamics would be different for other families

I am also taking into account that the parents are not well off as stated in the OP - you can live simple lifestyles and still have money but OP states that her parents do not have extra money so how are they in a better position to pay for travel than OP? Perhaps they have secret funds which OP doesn't know of in which case they can choose to pay when she tells that that finances will prevent her traveling but asking them - when they seem to have no extra money for their own family - would seem to put them on the spot.

And - not that it is relevant - even if the parents were wealthy, I wouldn't ask although my experience is that parents who have extra money don't need to be asked to help fund stuff like this as they offer it - assuming there are normal family dynamics. I don't come from a culture where an entire lifestyle is paid for by parents but these kinds of expenses will often be paid at the parents' discretion because parents realize their children don't have the same amount of discretionary income and so the parents are happy to use THEIR discretionary income so the family can be together.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 9:13 pm

Op, I don't understand. If your parents are "simple, no extra money" why would you even think they can/should pay for you?

If they have money, then yes, above posters phrased it well.

But if they don't have money, and you know this, then this will only make them feel guilty that they can't pay for you, or make them feel they need to borrow it somehow. On top of all the wedding expenses.

amother

Royalblue

Sat, Dec 28 2019, 5:29 pm

Sometimes parents will earmark money to fly in siblings and/or their family as part of their wedding expenses. I know my parents did and it must not be that unusual. Not that they are required at all, they just wanted to. They aren't rich at all but it was just part of the expenses. Pick a cheaper hall, caterer, etc but fly in close relatives that couldn't come unless you bought them tickets. My parents calculated tickets for two families with kids actually, so it's not small change. They are older and retired but saved up money for this one unmarried child's future wedding. Everybody's family situation is different. For them, the previous child was married 15 years earlier so they had a lot of time.

I would just bring it up like others said and see what they say. Decide beforehand if you would pay for one ticket for yourself or you can't even afford that. It's not crazy that a sibling can't go. It happens. Sometimes because of health reasons, pregnancy (during or even recuperating,) sometimes because of finances.

amother

Brown

Sat, Dec 28 2019, 5:38 pm

You say your parents are simple so why would you ask them for 10 k? It's totally unnecessary for your whole family to fly in for a wedding.
See if you can afford your ticket and if you can't let them know maybe you can split it. But asking parents who don't have money for a whole family to fly in? I think that's chutzpah.

Iymnok

Sat, Dec 28 2019, 5:43 pm

Many of my friends have gone in themselves or only with the baby.

amother

Tangerine

Sat, Dec 28 2019, 8:28 pm

Decide what you'll be doing without gifts. RSVP that who will or won't be coming. If they want to offer, they will. If not, not.

amother

Green

Sat, Dec 28 2019, 10:32 pm

I did not go to my brother's wedding in Israel. I had two babies then and in early pregnancy with a third. Would have been too hard to take them and too hard to leave them. People need to do what works for them. There are more important things to spend money on than to fly in an entire family.

amother

Azure

Sun, Dec 29 2019, 1:20 pm

banana123 wrote:

And I think you are wrong. because c'v if someone dies you will go to be menachem avel your loved ones. I would borrow just for the blood sibling obviously and pay back in small parts. my uncle was not feeling wel and only had one daughter local. she begged her siblings come visit pls! and they said no money we want to come but we can't afford (he wasn't deadly sick at all). the next week for the levaje ( it was ttly not expected) they all suddenly had money to come and they felt so guilty. pls go for simchos it is so important!for you own good.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Dec 29 2019, 1:22 pm

Agree borrow if u need to. But dont pressure parents who likely can't and will feel put on the spot to be asked.

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