Only one not looking good

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:21 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

This is so hard. After the extra cost for health insurance, food, taxes, ect it's sometimes hard to know if you're even coming out ahead. Sometimes it's tempting to take off a few extra unpaid vacation days to fit within brackets and save a fortune each year. You hope you're doing the right thing, but the health insurance industry is such a scam that it's hard not to feel ripped off when you're paying full price for it... You're effectively triple taxed, because you pay taxes that cover education and healthcare for others, and then you pay for healthcare and education for yourself. Hugs. That's a really tough position to be in. The only nice thing is that you're not collecting tzedaka when it comes to making weddings if you saved responsibly throughout the years... But then you see the food stamps crowd that collected tzedaka for their weddings getting $3000 shaitels and $5000 watches and $10000 rings and making $50000 weddings because "everyone does it and why should our kids do with less", and it's just argghhh. Hugs.

Yes, Yes Yes and Yes.
I do doubt myself when my kid's shoes are getting tight and I push it one more week..Or serve eggs and pita when I want to serve chicken..

It's almost like we are the 'real poor'. Because I can't justify using all these programs geared for those that don't have parnasah.

lifesagift

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:24 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Whenever there's a simcha with the family I'm the only one 'not dressed well'. Everyone else is in up-to-date clothing and shoes.
Here's the thing though, I am the only one not relying on foodstamps and medicaid as we b"h have just enough to be out of the bracket to qualify. That also means we don't really have much after paying tuition, health insurance and food. If I have an eye doctor's appointment coming up I know it will cost me between 100-200 and I need to budget accordingly and can't buy myself new shoes just because there's a wedding coming up. So I end up with old clothing, just about making do, but am also regarded 'as the one with money'. I feel gypped.
Am I making sense? I'm too upset with this to write clearly.

Seems like someone told u something to the effect of buy urself something nice, u have money... ppl do it all the time n its annoying. Smile sweetly say iyH by u or something n move on. U don't need new clothes to look good

mandr

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe you're just describing the exact issue I have..
Clothing does not last forever, it just looks used. It can still be respectful but looks used nonetheless.

I'm sure there are those that look at me and say "Look, rich people can dress shabbily. Money is not the deciding factor".

I meant that people who look good look good because they have the fashion skill (or the person who took them shopping has it) and they have nice clothing that looks good on them. It does not mean they have money. There are also people with money (and without) who just shop at expensive stores because they have "Better" clothing and they look awful because the particular outfits don't suit them (sorry for the pun lol).

amother

Coral

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:44 am

Look, you don't know if they are buying these outfits or borrowing them, or if they got it at a nice gemach.

Please don't judge the low income crowd since most people are not proud to have to take tzedaka.

Like others said, there are ways of buying cheap and looking good, it's a skill.

Maybe you have a friend that can help you in that department? Or even someone that you can borrow an outfit for a simcha so you feel better?

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 12:01 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

These posts are making me laugh and making me feel better so thank you. I am one of those people that others say 'always looks good'. No, I don't know how to buy cheap but I buy one nice thing and use it forever. I always look put-together and my style suits me very well.
But.
I know it's old, I feel like I never get anything new, I know the truth - even though this is my choice. It is still extremely hard at a simcha where everyone is wearing something new or full new wardrobe..

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 12:03 pm

I totally get this feeling OP. I have family supported by their community (in chinuch so in their community pay minimal tuition, have housing covered etc). They don't work full time 8-5 like I do... And get to go on vacations etc.
I work like a dog full time. I need new shoes. Mine have holes. I so can use a housekeeper because my place is a wreck as I work full time. I get home and am too exhausted to clean up, put laundry away etc. I am run ragged. But that is my life and we just miss cut off for all the programs but people assume we get because "doesn't everyone?".
And the same people go shopping and get packages delivered all the time.
My kid had a birthday- asked for a party and all his classmates were doing the same so didnt want him to feel left out. So I made one but did it simply (but I thought nice). Well everyone else did fancier stuff for their kids but I couldn't afford what they did! I couldnt hire anyone to come etc. I hope next year we can do more...

amother

Rose

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 12:07 pm

OP, just to validate you, it's hard.
For those saying just buy cheap clothing, well, depending on your size and age, the very cheap clothing can be very unflattering and have a cheapy look. You need to be young and skinny to look well dressed in it.
Regarding thrift stores, depends where you live. If you live in a area with wealthy residents, yes, you can find quality clothing there. But if you don't, it is unlikely you will find decent stuff.
And someone said she wears heels from 10 years ago...well, unless you originally bought very high quality shoes, they just don't last that long (and might be very out of style).

amother

Apricot

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 12:21 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Yes there’s a skill to it but it can be done. I am wearing Shabbos shoes from 10 years ago; they were very expensive shoes that I was able to afford when I was single and now I value them - I take them to the shoemaker for taps when they start getting worn down.

I have a bar mitzvah coming up, and I didn’t even like the expensive clothing in the Jewish stores. I found a beautiful dress on Ali Express for $26 that is versatile and will be my new Simcha dress; I sent it to the cleaners for steaming and will probably buy a beautiful costume necklace to go with it because the dress was so cheap.

Just giving specific examples so you see it’s real and doable.

urban gypsy

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 1:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, I really feel your pain and completely validate the emotional background to your situation... However because I'm a "solver" by nature I really wanted to pinpoint the aspect of the simcha clothing problem that is causing you upset
At first when I read that you say that you "look shabby" despite dressing well, I figured that you are buying cheap junk that wears out quickly, and was about to suggest saving up and investing in fewer quality pieces that will look good for longer
Now I see that it seems that is exactly what you are doing
The issue is not your choice of clothing, but that you are forced to rewear pieces that people have seen before
I just want to give you a reality check that what your relatives are doing (buying a full new wardrobe for every event) is wasteful, trashy, irresponsible and gross...I don't know the hows or whys of their shopping habits but they are the ones who are abnormal and pitiable
Look at how much people praise and respect Princess Kate for rewearing the same clothing to multiple events. She doesn't need the flashy crutch of blowing $$$ on new overpriced ill fitting trash for every event (like certain other Duchesses cough cough)
Fast fashion is a major social ill that wreaks havoc on society and individuals in a myriad of ways. It shows low confidence, poor stewardship of finances and environment, and mislaid priorities. Don't let peer pressure from your family sway you to buy into that scene.
Find a few outfits that suit you well, buy the best quality you can afford, take good care of your items to prolong their life, and wear them till they fall apart. The only other advice I can offer is stay away from crazy colors or prints that are very memorable and try to jazz up your basic pieces with accessories. Then hold your head high and know that you are classy, enviable and doing fashion RIGHT. I'm proud of you.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 1:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sorry!
I know - I'm always tight so I buy when I absolutely need to. I always say that sales are for those that can afford to buy when it's on sale... Smile

I think this is a wise approach. I also buy what I need when I need it. When you shop sales you end up buying things you don't use just bc they're cheap. When you know you have $x to spend on a YT outfit you go and buy that one outfit and use it till it wears out.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 1:50 pm

You are awesome and I can totally relate. I grew up and still am part of the "working poor". I get very resentful at times. When SIL says, "You can get a free cell phone or landline from the govt." She really believes anybody could get it. Ha, Ha. Not me. I gave up my landline because it was too expensive for me. It sounds like you need something "fresh" and "up to date" to put on.
Is there anybody you can borrow a simcha dress from or a Gemach? Shoes you can only get bargains through cheap stores and shaitel setting, unfortunately, forget about it unless you have a teenage daughter who is talented with shaitels.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 1:51 pm

mandr wrote:

I have a friend who always looks good. She is divorced and a single mother who actually has a very hard life, but she just has a knack for looking good whatever she wears. She happens to be overweight so it's not even that. She's given me fashion tips sometimes but they're pretty much wasted on me bc I just can't pull it off.

Example she wears pretty scarves and they're always tied just right. She tried to show me how but I just don't have that flair.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 2:06 pm

This thread is getting me nervous because I wear the same plain black skirt to every simcha. I do have a number of tops but I definitely never feel put together and in style. I find that if my makeup looks good and my shaitel is good I feel better. These days I think I have to do something about my makeup and my shaitel no good anymore...
I get how you feel op. May you figure out how to attend a simcha feeling great about yourself!

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 3:28 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

Thank you so much!
I think I'm going to print this and hang it on my fridge.

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 3:36 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Yes, I just love those comments..
Thank you for the suggestions - I think I'd rather wear something old and pretty from my closet than from a gemach. I'm weird that way, not sure why.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 3:37 pm

I hear you, OP. It’s unpleasant to be just getting by when others enjoy a visibly higher standard of living because they’re getting handouts.

Be like the proud owner of that old jalopy bearing a bumper sticker saying “Don’t laugh—it’s PAID FOR!” You’re the one doing the right thing. You’re the one who can look people in the eye and say “I didn’t take a penny from anyone that I didn’t earn.”

What a generation! Once upon a time it was considered a disgrace for able-bodied adults to accept government aid, and even needy people resisted the temptation. Today’s generation prides itself on the type and number of programs it can take advantage of.

You can’t really say any of this to your nearest and dearest, but you can pat your own shoulder, give yourself a thumbs-up in the mirror, and remind yourself as often as necessary that you are taking the high road and they’re not. You know, and G-d knows, and that’s all that matters.