Only one not looking good

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 4:44 pm

I'm one of the "working poor." After many years of hard work I got a degree and a nice respectable job with a good salary. Of course we now don't qualify for any programs and pay whopping taxes and tuition, so our standard of living hasn't gone up by much. And yes, folks are better dressed than me at chasunas. But what's different is I know my worth is not defined by my clothes or my fancy house or fancy simchas. What I do and accomplish is what matters.

Amalia

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 6:16 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

I'm with you OP. It hurts to be officially not low income but not having extra money to spend. I only shop cheap for clothes and when I'm really desperare and I dont have money to alter so it doesnt fit like a glove. I dont do my sheitels for weddings either. feel bad every time I come home why I cant look like everyone else. Actually one side of my family is plain and I love their simchas.

One thing I am learning lately is that a lot of low income people prioritize dressing. They dont have cars, buy takeout, buy toys or anything. All their money goes to clothes. They buy one expensive thing per season. And that doesnt mean that they can afford it.

I noticed that, too. I wonder why it works that way.

Cheiny

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 6:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Whenever there's a simcha with the family I'm the only one 'not dressed well'. Everyone else is in up-to-date clothing and shoes.
Here's the thing though, I am the only one not relying on foodstamps and medicaid as we b"h have just enough to be out of the bracket to qualify. That also means we don't really have much after paying tuition, health insurance and food. If I have an eye doctor's appointment coming up I know it will cost me between 100-200 and I need to budget accordingly and can't buy myself new shoes just because there's a wedding coming up. So I end up with old clothing, just about making do, but am also regarded 'as the one with money'. I feel gypped.
Am I making sense? I'm too upset with this to write clearly.

Just try to keep in mind that your concern should be to impress and please Hashem, not other people. You’re really scoring big points upstairs....

browniebar

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 6:46 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

I think this is a wise approach. I also buy what I need when I need it. When you shop sales you end up buying things you don't use just bc they're cheap. When you know you have $x to spend on a YT outfit you go and buy that one outfit and use it till it wears out.

Yes and no.
When I know my son will need a new coat next yr (he's been wearing the same one for the past 3), and that the sale price I see now is the lowest price I'll see for a decent coat, it makes more sense to spend the $ now than wait til next yr when he actually needs it and it'll cost full price.

But I do hear ur point; it's easy to get sucked into the amazing makeup/shoe/toy/wtvr sale and end up buying stuff I didn't actually think of needing until I saw the sale Smile

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 7:04 pm

Amalia wrote:

I noticed that, too. I wonder why it works that way.

If you feel like a beggar, you're extremely seeing conscious not to look like a beggar.

You and I would feel a lot more self conscious about walking around in tattered clothing than Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos would, because they laugh at anyone that thinks of them as poor. People with self esteem struggles in a given area tend to overcompensate.

amother

Copper

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 7:32 pm

Op, I’m in a similar boat and so I’m super discriminating when shopping. I’ll buy on clearance, but as high quality and classic as possible. Like black merino wool crew neck that is nice enough for weekday shabbos or a wedding, I have classic black patent pumps (expensive company but got them on sale - I also make sure to reheel them so they don’t get destroyed) wool theory skirt I still wear from high school, also suitable everywhere for anything, I have very few clothes but try hard to make sure anything I buy will take me very far. Look into the 10 item wardrobe concept. It’s amazing for people like me who want to always look good without thinking about it, working on it, or spending on it.
Tip for sheitels: if you wear it half up in a clip or even in a pony it’ll stretch the time between washes. I also touch up myself with a blow dryer / curling iron. (I have 1 decent one)

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 7:35 pm

browniebar wrote:

That works when you're organized. Since I'm not, whenever I try to shop ahead I either forget I bought it or forget where I put it. I'm klutzy like that.

amother

Emerald

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:20 pm

OP, I could've written your post. Everytime I came home from weddings, I felt depressed for this reason. I always thought that if ppl were on programs and "not working or earning as much", they would be more simple bec they can't keep buying new clothes, but, no, they seem to always have the latest styles.

But, I'm not judging them bec I would never want to be in their shoes financially. I also know a few ppl personally who rely on the gemach for these nice clothes.(I wish I can go to the gemach more but it's open at night and I'm so exhausted from work n need to get up early....my relative doesn't work or works part time.

I just always wished I would go to these weddings and "feel comfortable" due to simple....but no, everyone is dressed so...making me uncomfortable. My relatives say "I dont spend on clothes but I just know how to shop wisely and get good clothing for cheap/good deals". But, even "cheaper" clothes add up if one keeps buying. So, I'm like you and wear the same outfit to simchas....

I can relate.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:49 pm

Amalia wrote:

I noticed that, too. I wonder why it works that way.

Because dressing well means looking respectable before the world. Nearly everyone sums people up based on what their wearing. Dress is a way of signaling not only who and what you are but also how you want to be treated.

When torn jeans were the height of fashion the first time around in the late sixties, my mom told me “you can’t afford to wear torn jeans because people will think that’s all you can afford. Rich people can afford to dress like poor people because everyone knows they’re rich and are dressing this way by choice.”

zaq

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:55 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I come from a very wealthy area and my friends are down to earth and brag that they wear the same dresses and shoe s to a ll the weddings they go to
on friend told me she wears a maternity dress from thirty years ago
I went to a party and a wealthy woman in her sixty;s wore a ugly dress with a huge bow in the back im sure it cost her a fortune

Maybe not. Huge bows in the back were all the rage for formalwear about thirty-five years ago. That dress may have a lot of mileage on it.

But why would someone who isn’t pregnant wear a maternity dress, never mind when it’s from?

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:54 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

This is so hard. After the extra cost for health insurance, food, taxes, ect it's sometimes hard to know if you're even coming out ahead. Sometimes it's tempting to take off a few extra unpaid vacation days to fit within brackets and save a fortune each year. You hope you're doing the right thing, but the health insurance industry is such a scam that it's hard not to feel ripped off when you're paying full price for it... You're effectively triple taxed, because you pay taxes that cover education and healthcare for others, and then you pay for healthcare and education for yourself. Hugs. That's a really tough position to be in. The only nice thing is that you're not collecting tzedaka when it comes to making weddings if you saved responsibly throughout the years... But then you see the food stamps crowd that collected tzedaka for their weddings getting $3000 shaitels and $5000 watches and $10000 rings and making $50000 weddings because "everyone does it and why should our kids do with less", and it's just argghhh. Hugs.

This. And I don't want to sound nasty, bitter, or ungrateful for what I have, but my husband and I both earn enough so that it isn't worth it to earn less to qualify for benefits, and don't waste money on frivolous things ( The last time we ate out was a year ago, at Essen Deli. Not exactly your most upscale restaurant) my kids wear Primark and hand me downs (and I think they look great!) but of course since we're a "working family" and not a kollel family like the rest of my siblings, I have to pay full tuition, get eye-rolled at every family gathering when we talk about Parnassah and how to get by, not to mention the snide remarks about their husbands still learning. My husband kills himself, he's actually being mesayem shas for the first time, but of course that's not "real learning" and he "probably falls asleep during his daf shiur". They think they're being funny and clever, just making jokes. but it hurts so much...

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:48 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

[b]

You work hard, very hard so you know the value of a dollar and are less likely to be wasteful.
Kol hakavod to your husband on being mesayem shas. (And the sacrifice, commitment and support on your part of him not being home/needing space and quite/not helping as much as he would otherwise or have attention for you....) I think those who work hard to earn their own living and still prioritize learning Torah are on a much higher madrega. It is infinitly harder and the schar is much greater. You should be very proud!

bluebaker

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 1:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't know why this is an issue when there are COUNTLESS clothing charity shops with high-end clothing for pennies on the dollar - some brand-new, and that's not even mentioning the clothing gmachs where you could literally look like a million dollars for just a few pennies. And if you don't have those pennies please learn the art of flipping. It will make you feel better about life.