How do you know your parent loves you?

allthingsblue

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:38 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

I freak out about messes and only let my kids paint or make slime outside on the patio. I hope they don't feel unloved because of this. Crying

Don't be silly. You allow them play, but you contain the mess- that's a good compromise. I'm sure they have plenty of non-messy toys and games too.
What are other way for you to show your love?

amother

Beige

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:38 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

I freak out about messes and only let my kids paint or make slime outside on the patio. I hope they don't feel unloved because of this. Crying

Nah! They'll love that you're clean Smile

Every mom is allowed 3 hangups.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:46 am

allthingsblue wrote:

Don't be silly. You allow them play, but you contain the mess- that's a good compromise. I'm sure they have plenty of non-messy toys and games too.
What are other way for you to show your love?

My (3) kids are in middle school and I still lay down with each of them for about five minutes every night at bedtime. Probably sounds weird to still be doing this with such big kids but it's really so precious to me - this tiny bit of quiet, peaceful alone time with each.

amother

Teal

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:47 am

Trying to think how I knew my parents loved me. It was always so obvious to me... I never really thought about it, it was just a given.
I always thought (still do) that I'm my father's favorite. He just gave me that vibe. We would go out together sometimes, just the two of us... As I'm writing this, I wonder if my siblings think they are the favorites. I think not. It's definitely me.
With my mother, I'm not sure. She definitely took care of us, made sure we had fun, did well in school and all that... which to my mind, was what all mothers do. I needed to join imamother to appreciate what my mother did for us all these years. I see her love now more than when I was a kid, I think, because as a mother, I can recognize a mother's love. Small example, whereas as a child I expected to get soup when I was sick, as an adult, getting soup from my mother when I was sick was a very tangible expression of love.
That said, I definitely felt overall secure and loved as a kid... just can't remember how I knew.

ETA: I do try to show my love to my kids physically (hugs, kisses) and verbally (saying I love you) as often as possible because I remember feeling like I could use more of that as a kid. But that was as a teenager when it sort of petered out... I hope to remember to not let it stop when my kids get older.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:50 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

Not weird at all. My junior high DD asks for it.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 12:11 pm

They are always so proud of me and compliment me a lot but in an honest way where I know they mean it.

They would say how talented I was, how the things I baked came out so good, how beautiful I was and how nice everything looked on me. They would say that I have such good friends, that I was so artistic and that my school reports were so good. My father actually cried when he read a report that I wrote in seminary. I had worked really hard on it and he was so proud of it.

The funny thing is that I'm pretty average in all of those areas and after 5 kids, I really need to lose 20 lbs, but I know they still believe it.
Just yesterday, my mother told me how I'm just so pretty, whatever I wear looks good on me.

This reminds me that I should do the same with my kids because I think they gave me a lot of confidence.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 12:38 pm

I am one of 11. I never did feel that my parents loved me. My mother was the hitting yelling type but always took care of what we needed, still didn’t necessarily feel loved by that , she’s a very responsible person so it was just an obligation for her...

amother

Mustard

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 12:39 pm

My parents always took me seriously as a young kid when I expressed my opinions on complicated adult topics, whether politics, religion, economics, racism, abortion, no matter how hard the topic and no matter how unsophisticated my opinion. That doesn't mean they agreed with me, but they disagreed with me or argued with me in the same tone and vocabulary that they argued with their peers on these topics. I felt like I was important to them and that my opinions were worthwhile.

My parents put virtually all of their limited, discretionary spending towards their kids. Our education, taking us on affordable vacations, our college, our clothes, our extracurriculars, our birthday parties. And yet they never used this to guilt trip us or tried to control where we went to college or what we majored in or which extracurriculars we did. I appreciated this as a teenager, but I appreciate it even more as an adult.

My mom always took amazing care of us when we were sick. Like professional level nurse, chef (if we were able to eat) and butler in one person. That also made me feel very loved.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 12:40 pm

My husband and I were discussing the 5 love languages and decided to ask my kids if we love them and how they know, 1 answered yes because you tell me Smile

the second said yes because you give me what I need, food, clothing etc so there you go different people feel loved differently some really need to hear it with words...

amother

Wheat

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 12:48 pm

I never felt love as a child and even now as an adult it's hard to understand. When being consistently told how stupid, or fat you are as a kid, and never getting compliments to balance it, it's hard to think that your parents love you. As an adult I am thankful I wasn't hit as much as they were as children but I still don't feel loved and don't know if I ever will.

amother

Rose

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 1:01 pm

Intellectually I knew. My mother would give me anything of hers I liked and my father would give me the last dollar in his wallet. They did. I was spoiled in that way. I'm one of 11. I didn't feel loved for many other reasons, one of them being a lack of emotional connection. I didn't feel their love till I learned to love myself and now I recognize their expressions of love which may or may not be typical.

With my own children, I work on that emotional connection with each of them. I use my words and actions to literally warm their hearts and make them smile so they dont ever have to doubt their importance or reason for existence.

amother

Rose

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 2:07 pm

By the way, if you are one of the oldest siblings, it's a big chessed to tell your younger siblings about how much they were loved when they were little. I tell mine about how cute they were, stories about their toddlerhood, how my mother played with them and loved them as babies, etc.
Because sometimes the memories can get lost through the years and it's a shame. Why not make them feel good and give them the knowledge that they were always loved since they might only remember the chaotic or dysfunctional times.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 4:30 pm

They always said it.
They always gave affection.
They had their issues but no matter what they allowed my siblings and me to be ourselves. To choose our own path. They were confident in us to make the best decisions for ourselves.
Their trust made me feel loved. Their words. Their affection.
Did anything and everything for us. Always went out of their way for us and to do what made us happy.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 4:47 pm

Wow cannot relate. My mom only loves herself.

Trying to think how I know DH loves me, though....
Dunno, he thinks I'm cute and tells me so, gets a kick out of me, he'll do anything for me...

Gosh this love thing is heavy stuff.

amother

Red

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 4:59 pm

My mother was a dysfunctional parent according to much of what I've read here. She's a little old fashioned in her parenting and went through a lot so we got spanked at times, didn't get a lot of the help we probably needed (therapy etc), the house was basically always dirty etc. But she loves us and we know it Heart

. She always said it, she would do anything for us, we're her whole life, she encouraged us to work hard, celebrated all our milestones and really is the best mother I could have asked for.
Her tough love philosophy isn't so acceptable now but it worked for us and made us strong people who enjoy giving.
Even now, I have two babies and live far away, we talk all the time and even though she can criticize my choices, I know she loves me more than anything in the world.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 5:17 pm

I love this thread!

I knew my mother loved me because she would tell me she did every day. Her most common phrase is "Did I tell you I love you yet today?" And she made sure to tell me that every single day. Up until I got engaged. It's the most incredible sentence and it works wonders when your having a very hard day. Usually, the answer was "yes, very many times today" but it still felt amazing. (Hi Mommy👋)
My parents also are our biggest cheerleaders. It did not matter what we were trying to do (bake something really complicated or plan to be president of the USA) They never ever told us it was unrealistic or silly. And I knew that whatever I did they would be hugely proud of me. My mother is also extremely selfless. When she disciplined or complimented us and even during everyday conversation, it was never about her. We are her focus. Every bit of confidence I have today is due to my parents. As a mother, I try to be as much like them as I can.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 5:22 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Yes! if you are in a position to do this, its the kindest thing you can do! My mother hardly took pictures of us kids and the younger ones have even less. They get very upset sometimes so I try to compensate by telling them what a delight they were and all their shtiks. My mom has ocd and keeps everyone at arms length. Actually shell hold a baby up to the age of crawling and then they get too dirty. So you can imagine how that feels, we all feel like the most unhygienic people... So ye the big sister yours truely tries to make up for it, you gotta see their eyes shine when I talk about their younger years

amother

Brunette

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 5:28 pm

One day when I was in Jr High school I called my Father from school (This was many many many years before cell phones and my Mother wasn't home thus not reachable) and asked if I could go home from school because I had a "stomach ache" (which was really probably a math test). He of course gave permission. An hour after I got home, my Father showed up with a bottle of ginger ale. I can't tell you how guilty I felt that he had left his office and come all the way home for my "stomach ache" But it definitely made me feel loved.

amother

Rose

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 5:34 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

This is so cute. It reminds me, when I tell my 5 yr old I love her, she says: I know that already!!!