I want prespective

Jewishmom8

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 1:40 am

I think that I am going wrong somewhere. I feel like I need to refocus. I want perspective and ideas and thoughts please. I think that what I may be going through is normal.
We are always trying to make our kids happy. I have a bunch of kids and my question is more about my teenage daughters. I love them so much, and I really love when everyone is happy and more often then not like 80 % of the time my kids are complaining, and grumpy. I try to put thought into making things nice for them. I try to make my house fun. I like to have lots of food and they can always have friends. But whatever I do its not good enough or done wrong I just feel like I cant get it right.
Is this the normal teenage stage? Should my parenting focus not to be making them happy and shift to something else? I do have other things I focus on for them like having them take frumkiet seriously and chesed being responsible and things like that.
I want thoughts please.

Aylat

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 1:46 am

I think teenagers are often grumpy. Everything is dramatic and the end of the world. Also don't forget hormones and PMSing!

Sara Chana Radcliffe writes about this: some kids are just more negative than others, no matter what we do for them. Don't take responsibility for their moods. I would say the one important thing you can do for them that you didn't mention is to be happy yourself. Internalise and project an attitude of enjoying life, appreciating little and big things, investing in your relationships, feel good about yourself.

Aylat

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 1:49 am

Also - "I just can't get it right". My (half tongue-in-cheek) description of being a parent of a teenager is those multiple choice questions where there's options A, B and C, and option D is "all the above are wrong." Do I sympathise, encourage, point out how to do better? - nothing I say is going to be right. Wink

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 6:20 am

I have two teenage daughters. One KAH is happy go lucky. I always joke that I could put her in a cardboard box for a week and when I take her out, and asked her how her week was, she would tell me amazing. She would tell me all the interesting things about the inside of the box, and what a wonderful opportunity it was to be introspective and what she thought about and what she realized and how awesome everything is. My other daughter, I jump through hoops and bend over backwards for all day, every day, and the best I get from her is "fine, whatever"

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 9:00 am

oneofakind wrote:

You do your best and go on with your life. Some of it is hormones. Some is drama. Be validating but don't get caught up and don't overtry.

Best Advice EVER!

Once my DD blamed me because she didn't like the weather. How does that even work? I had no idea I was so powerful. Cool

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 9:15 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Best Advice EVER!

Once my DD blamed me because she didn't like the weather. How does that even work? I had no idea I was so powerful. Cool

That is quite impressive!
But then again, it's not like we Jews haven't been blamed for the weather before. If only!

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 10:09 am

Aylat wrote:

I want to read more about what Sara Chana Radcliffe says about this. Can you please help with a source? I am currently paying for therapy for my negative and pessimistic child and nothing seems to be changing (and the therapist is excellent)

thunderstorm

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 10:50 am

It just so happens to be that someone IRL just told me this and I heard Lisa A Romano on YouTube talk about this today. We are not supposed to be raising our children so that they are happy. Because when that’s our goal it’s really for our own egos . Our happiness depends on their happiness. That makes it all about US as opposed to the child. It’s our job to try our best in raising healthy children by loving them, validating them and taking care of their needs so that one day they could grow up to be healthy and well adjusted adults. We can’t control someone else’s happiness. Not even our own kids happiness. The goal is to do your best , but don’t turn yourself into a pretzel.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Feb 06 2020, 11:19 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

We are always trying to make our kids happy. I have a bunch of kids and my question is more about my teenage daughters. I love them so much, and I really love when everyone is happy and more often then not like 80 % of the time my kids are complaining, and grumpy. I try to put thought into making things nice for them. I try to make my house fun. I like to have lots of food and they can always have friends. But whatever I do its not good enough or done wrong I just feel like I cant get it right.

You've set yourself up for failure.

You're working your tail off trying to make your kids happy, but what you've got to realize is that happiness only comes from within. You can't "make" someone happy, no matter what you do.

Two years ago I heard an interview with Will Smith. Paraphrasing, he said something close to
"You can make a person smile, feel good or laugh. But you can't make someone happy." He was actually speaking about a spousal relationship, but the idea is certainly applicable to your children.

Spend 151 seconds listening to him "You can't make another person happy." (He says "hell" in it once, if that will prevent you from listening to it.):

If you like what he's saying, listen to his longer one "Will Smith Gives Marriage and Parenting Advice": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1xdoxplycg

(I just "liked" thunderstorm's comments. I was typing my own response and then read her's. We're essentially saying the same thing.)

amother

Violet

Sat, Feb 08 2020, 4:55 pm

My mother used to say that all the time when we were growing up- you are responsible for your own happiness. I actually once had an argument with my husband early in our marriage about something I did that bothered him (I cannot for the life of me remember what the details were) and he said, “you’re not making me happy,” and I gave him the whole speech we heard growing up- YOU are responsible for your own happiness. There will ALWAYS be reasons to be unhappy, imperfections even in the most wonderful moments, and it is up to YOU to decide if you will fixate on those or decide to be happy. Even the USA founders were aware of this- we have the freedom to pursue happiness as no one can guarantee it for someone else.
And a totally different concept- we were not placed in this world to be happy. It is not a value in itself. To bring kiddush Hashem, to raise the next generation of ovdei Hashem, to perfect ourselves, to fix the world, etc etc. Not ‘to be happy’

amother

Seafoam

Sat, Feb 08 2020, 5:59 pm

OP, what you are going through is completely normal, yes, teens seem to be determined to be unhappy and dramatic about a gazillion things. Nothing you do will make them happy when they are feeling insecure, out of control, and hormonally crazed, they are creating a storm in your life, just like they are supposed to....make YOURSELF happy, and model what a happy, successful, confident woman looks like. That way, when they are adults, they will know how to be happy, successful, and confident during the storms of life, too!

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 5:12 am

Living for the needs of your teens is not healthy. You aren't their happy maker. Its insanely annoying to have unhappy grumpy kids but our obligations to them are to be there when they need us emotionally, give them physical needs. Focus on yourself. Live your life. You are not their happy maker.

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 6:08 am

I am a nanny for a houseful of kids where the parents bend over backward to make their kids happy. All they have to do is whimper and threaten to shed a tear, and they get the world on a platter. When I try to set boundaries, the parents undermine me at every turn. If one of the kids hits me, they want to know what I did to deserve it! Rolling Eyes

Let me tell you, those kids are not happy. They spend all day and half the night screaming, fighting, whining, tantruming, crying, throwing things, and basically being as oppositional as humanly possible. This just makes the parents give in even more, and never makes the kids truly happy.

I hate this job so much. I'm looking for another position and will quit as soon as I can. I'd quit right now but I desperately need the money. I feel bad for the kids. They are going to be miserable when they find out that the rest of the world will not cater to their every whim, and it is going to be a cold awakening.