Had you know then...

amother

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 6:28 pm

Had you known then, what you know now, what parenting techniques would you have done differently?

This is not referring to things you did wrong as a result of a personal failing, apathy or that was the way you were brought up so you continued the cycle. I mean things you did because you sincerely believed they were the correct way to parent.

Now that you and your children are older and in hindsight you see how things have, or have not, turned out you realize in retrospect that you were mistaken and should have been done things differently.

What happened? What didn't you realize back then? How did you come to realize it now?

amother

Red

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 6:32 pm

I would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever let a tv into my home.

It started small and innocent. A nice Jewish video played just once in a while.

Then kids home sick in bed were bored. I let some very pareve non-jewish cartoons.

Then they started sneaking tv time to watch more shows.

When I saw them put on a show I didn't approve, they informed me they anyway already saw it at bubby's or at a friends or by their cousins.

Now I am fighting to remove it. Husband thinks I'm nuts. Kids are addicted to it like crack.

I HATE the t.v. One day I might just throw a hammer at it and call it a day.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 7:29 pm

Maybe not listening to them as much as I should have. Not taking their feelings into account for decisions that would affect them. I do differently now. I’m all ears for discussions, criticisms, suggestions, etc. but I do feel bad that I put my children in the “children should be seen and not heard” category.

thunderstorm

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 7:48 pm

I would have gotten myself help and developed my own emotional intelligence first before trying to deal with their emotions and feelings . I would have also learned to love myself first and know my worth.
What’s done is done. It’s never too late to improve , to change and to make amends.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 7:57 pm

I would have given in and been more flexible with my stubborn difficult child.
I was told to set firm boundaries and give consequences and never give in. Oy what a mistake.
All he needed was a soft touch and love. I wish I would have known.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 8:02 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

This. A million times this.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 8:15 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Same!!
My child wasn't that stubborn but would tantrum a lot. He knew when we said no we meant it and never backed down. Completely ignored his tantrums. He was my oldest. I was a lot more compassionate with my others.
Poor oldests.
It's hard for me to know if it affected him long term, but he needed behavioral therapy to learn to be more flexible.

amother

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 8:30 pm

Question for those who feel they were too strict and inflexible.

How do you know you did the wrong thing?

How do you know how things would have turned out had you been more lenient?

Truthfully these response are really ironic becuase what spurred me to start this thread was my feeling that had I known then what I know now I would have been much stricter and tougher with my difficult child

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 10:35 pm

For me I know it because for those years that I was strict we had so many fights and power struggles. My child was miserable I felt horrible that I was being firm and consistent and had to punish so often.

As soon as I threw everything out the window and said I don’t care I’m going to do what feels right, my child relaxed. Suddenly there were no fights. You don’t want ok fine. You want this. Ok sure. No fights. Smiles. Love. laughter. I was told he’s manipulating you. I said I don’t care.
I learned to discuss why is this important to you. I was flexible he learned how to be flexible.
My child is a teenager now and such a joy. Strong minded yes. But wonderful.

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 11:31 pm

Quote:

Truthfully these response are really ironic becuase what spurred me to start this thread was my feeling that had I known then what I know now I would have been much stricter and tougher with my difficult child

I have to agree with you here. I'm pretty laid back with disciplining my kids and I'm starting to see the negative ramifications of that. Especially my two boys who are more difficult - when I'm firmer and stricter I definitely get better results and our home is so much more pleasant. But it's hard for me to parent that way and I have to consciously "remember" to do it

amother

Black

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 11:32 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

Yup yup

pause

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 11:40 pm

Bottom line, everyone needs to work on themselves in order to parent. If you're naturally flexible and easygoing, you need to work on assertiveness and boundaries, but if you're naturally strict and disciplined, you need to work on being more soft and letting go. This parenting business is avodas hamiddos for US!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:17 am

I wish I knew that severe anxiety can show up as early as kindergarten, and that when a child says they can't go to school because of a headache or stomach ache, the anxiety is causing them REAL PAIN.

I wish I knew that "school refusal" was actually a psychiatric condition, and not just a kid being a stubborn brat. It's an actual phobia that causes fight or flight reactions. Imagine if you are terrified of spiders, and your job is to pet tarantulas all day. How excited would you be every morning to get up and go to work?

B'H for therapists who know how to undo all the things I didn't know.

salt

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:39 am

2 mistakes I think I made with my oldest, and I learnt my lessons with my younger kids:

I would have been less strict about kids coming into my bed when they wanted. I was very strict with my oldest, and became less and less strict as they went down, and I feel bad that I was so cold to my oldest.
(not that I think he's been traumatized for life or anything).

I would have been much less stressed about toilet training. So what if he wanted me to put a diaper on him till age 3+. He would have got there in the end, with a lot less shouting and nerves!

amother

Pink

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:54 am

amother [ Red ] wrote:

I have a DVD player.
I am chronically ill with very little energy, and I also have sensory issues. Noise makes me physically ill.
My children are hyperactive. Particularly during the winter months when they can't release their extra energy outside. Unstructured time turns my house into Crazyland.
So yes, they watch videos. Way more than they should. Probably several hours a day.
But I don't know what else to do.
I know all the obvious solutions. They have books to read, coloring books, etc. It keeps them busy for 15-20 minutes tops and then they're looking for action.
Am I going to regret this one day? Dear Hashem, I hope not.
But what do other mothers in my situation do? (Emphasis on "in my situation". If you're not ill or severely sensory, or your kids are well-behaved quiet little angels, we're not talking about the same circumstances.)