Daughter Calls herself "ganev"

amother

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:28 pm

So I am totally shocked. My DD 9 just brought me a nicely written letter, which she often does, mostly to thank me for something or just " I love you".
But this one really shocked me. I quote:
"Dear mommy. You know that I am a " ganev"(thief).
I am trying not to be one, but itsvery hard not to steal. Please forgive me."

I think she refers to her taking nosh from the cabinet, when I dont see.
I really dont want my kids to feel like thieves, though I want them to know its not ok.

Please help me respond in the right way!

Thank you!

simcha2

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:36 pm

First reassure her, you will always love her, and be there for her, no matter what.

Second, you are so proud of her for working on herself to be a better person.

Third, she is not a ganev. Even if she has taken things, that is not her essence. (She made bad choices, she is not bad)

Fourth, find out what she took

Fifth, find a way that she can pay back. (Important for clearing her conscience)

Six, if it's too tempting, move stuff

Seventh, thank her for trusting you and letting you help her overcome a nisayon. Mussar that Hashem only gives a nisayon she can overcome and Hashem must know she is very strong because איזהו גיבור?

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:37 pm

First of all, praise her for being honest! Tell her what a brave act that was, and that you realize she must have been really scared to give you that note.

Then ask her what she thinks she has "stolen". If it's nosh, ask her if there is something she'd like to do to make teshuva, like donating some of her allowance money to a food bank for people who don't have food. Whatever it is, don't make it a punishment, make it meaningful, and let her give her input.

Tell her that you will always listen to her. When DD was that age, I told her "When you are honest, I will maybe be a little bit mad, but if I find out that you were not telling the truth, I will be big mad."

I never use words like "lying, cheating, stealing" with children. You can say "not honest" or "taking things that are not yours." Labeling behaviors in a negative way just makes the child feel worthless. Saying things in a more gentle way give the child a feeling that there is a way to make things right, and THAT is what you want to model.

simcha2

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:42 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Simcha2, you type faster than I do!

You sound like an awesome mom, who has been there, done that. Very Happy

Thanks. You too!

The goal is to make it so they feel safe telling you things. (And that they should grow up to be mentches)

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 27 2020, 1:43 pm

simcha2 wrote:

Thanks. You too!

The goal is to make it so they feel safe telling you things. (And that they should grow up to be mentches)

The word is mentchen