Fuming at dh | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:21 am

Do you have some times that your dh parent the kids a certain way that just makes you wanna jump out of your mind just from not taking his way or the way he reacts?

Just had it yesterday. We have bh a nice marriage, just sometimes my dh comes across my kids in a way that makes me so sad. My dh is by nature an extremely yekish type of person. If he has a time that he makes up , schedule, ect. he will run his schedule on the dot .if he decides on a certain time to leave, he would leave right away regardless if anyone is ready or not .. which I feel it interferes a lot with my dc . Will it be davening, simcha planned, ect. He announces once that he will leave this and this time , (not always do the kids remember ) he wouldn't repeat himself again before , just when he is ready he would leave not counting if the kids are in the car or not . Sometimes a kid still has to put on his/her shoes, or finish their hair or whatever. My dh WONT wait. He just leaves . For him a time is a time .
So yesterday he planned to take my 2 teens with him to Kunis to shul . My big son actually dorms, and came home for tish above. While dh made himself ready to leave , my ds was just sitting together with me and we were smhoozing. Suddenly we heard no one in the house , and we went to look if everyone already left , we went to the window and saw my dh car not their anymore . How upset I was. 1) I was upset that I was waiting for the peace and quite after a long exhausting day , now I had to continue keep ds busy . 2) I cant come to understand why DH couldn send 1 message that he is leaving and is waiting for ds to come out?! NOTHING! He just disappeared like that. I called up my dh , I did ask why he did this , he just answered that the kids saw him getting ready and they shouldve have followed him. I said that ds got distracted since we were smhoozing.
what is if he sent 1 message ??? My dh couldn't see from my part why I was so upset. He claimed he had to make minyen . I still couldn't see why he couldn't bring up one reminder or something that he is leaving . He always does this . If kids arent ready he leaves them behind . The only person he waits for would be for his parents or me . When I'm even 5 minutes late then actaul timing , he gets very upset @ me but he knows that he cant leave his wife like that. with that said I dont think the kids are trash . I think it's a weakness always to run and not be there to wait for the kids . I would love to hear how other fathers relate to their children in this manner. Would they wait or they just leave and let the kids find a way for themselves?? From my side how I look at it is, that it's rude to run away like that . To me its normal to sometimes need to wait . Some kids are slower until they get ready , sometimes one needs the bathroom . Ect.

I myself have sometimes that I need to pick up a friend or sibling and they're not ready and they make me wait a 10 15 minute . Not that I think its polite, just I would never have left even I felt my wits end . Here we're talking about his children . I understand u can teach or train your kids that tatty is this type of person that is very punctual and we should respect that . .. but it doesnt always work . Sometimes for whatever reason it can take a bit longer to get ready. then,
whoops, tatty is gone . Shouldn't my dh come to learn to also count on kids ? I'm not meaning to let him wait half an hour or an hour . But just atleast speak up and say that you are leaving!
It really got to me yesterday that he left my ds home . And this kid was ready , he just hasn't realized that my dh is already stepping out . What is if dh only made 1 phone call to prompt him . My ds went to sleep afterwards without joining in the kines. I'm still fuming at my dh and dont even wanna look him in the face. he got me so angry for this. My dh didnt even apologize he just thinks my son shouldve followed while he left . What is if my ds hasnt realized?? My dh doesnt get it !

Tell me if I'm too overreacting???

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:26 am

Was your son upset?

I'm with you.

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:38 am

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Was your son upset?

I'm with you.

Thanks for understanding my part. My ds was very shocked that he was left behind and didn't get a reminder or message that ta is leaving or is about to drive away .

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:39 am

I think it's super rude that he can just walk out on his family without saying goodbye, or giving a 5 minute warning, or even caring if they come along or not. He sounds very self centered and disconnected from the rest of the family.

If he always does this, and you tell him you don't like it, and he does it anyway - then he is always going to do it.

You are just going to have to accept things the way they are.

I suggest you find out exactly when DH plans on leaving, and make sure everyone is ready 10 to 15 minutes early. That is the only way you are going to maintain shalom bayis.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:43 am

It’s very rude and inconsiderate not to say you’re leaving. Dh should give the kids a 5 minute warning and then when he’s about to leave he should say bye to you and call out to the children that he’s leaving.

amother

Oak

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:45 am

Extremely rude, I would be fuming too.
He should remind the kids 15 min before he's going, and then 5 min before he's going, and then one minute before he's going. It takes very little effort to yell out, 'hey kids, leaving in a few min, get organized.'

I would also say he should wait an extra few min if anyone is straggling, although if he's a yeke, that might be tough for him. Not an extra ten minutes, of course, just a minute or two.

Honestly, it seems kind of passive-aggressive.

amother

Black

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:46 am

Wow. Really self centered. Never heard of leaving without saying good bye or telling the kids he is leaving. Also shocks me that he didn't seem to care of DS went to shul at all.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 7:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for understanding my part. My ds was very shocked that he was left behind and didn't get a reminder or message that ta is leaving or is about to drive away .

I don’t understand how he leaves like that and how your son can face him afterwards.

Eventually you'll kids will leave him hanging dry. I hope he knows that.

Ps I think he must've been raised this way and he thinks that his kids will do for him what he does to his parents (wait for them).

I hope he knows that times have changed. They won't.

I think your son has to know that you're just as upset and that it's not a normal fatherly behavior.

amother

Tan

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 11:36 am

Ok, yes, I think you are overreacting because you are not just reacting to yesterday, but to all the years your dh has done this.

I can see how you are very different from each other in this regard. It wouldn't have hurt if dh said bye as he was leaving so any kids could have ran to catch up. That might be a workaround compromise for the future. If dh had said bye to you, your ds could have caught him going.

But I will tell you, you see it as what are the kids, garbage? Of course they take longer. You're kids only see that dh is a man of his word & responsibility. This will not affect them negatively in the long run. It's not cozy, wozy but it won't. It can actually have positive effects. If they are old enough for shul, they are old enough to know your dh is leaving exactly when he said.

Petra

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 11:55 am

On the one hand, your DH respects time and scheduling. On the other, he is a tad too inflexible and rigid and needs to learn to have some give. I don't think his lesson of "consequences" for not being on time is getting through to the kids. I think the way he tries to effect his timeliness and that of his children, has a counterproductive effect. It is getting in the way of his relationships.

The majority of the world is not like this.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 12:05 pm

I think you are overreacting big time. He felt the child knew what time to be ready and wasn't doing anything about it. He didn't yell, he taught him a lesson. He didn't leave your child at the mall, he left him in his nice home.
I personally would not be mechanech this way but I see his point of view.

asmileaday

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 12:13 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

No I'm sorry this is dysfunctional behavior.
He's not getting any message across about valuing time.
He's teaching rigidity and lack of flexibility.
It's important for a human being to know how to be flexible if they want to get through life successfully.

There's a way to teach how to value time without disappearing on your kids with no warning.

Op I don't have advice what you SHOULD do but I'm letting you know this isn't normal.

My dh also gets annoyed when the kids aren't ready when he wants to leave for shul (or anywhere) but he gives them at least 2 warnings 15-20 minutes before and also waits for them at the door. He'd never leave without saying anything.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 12:32 pm

Any extreme is bad.
I don't think it's right to leave without warning but in my house my husband waits for the kids by the door every single time and my boys know he will wait for them, sometimes making him late for shul as well.
I dont think it's right either.
It's a very valuable thing to learn to be on time.
Next time, ask your husband what time he plans to leave, warn your boys 10 minutes before that tatty will not wait for them and they have to be ready!
(Do not let your boys see how upset you are at your husband! )

Boobasheli

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 12:54 pm

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. Is your DH emotionally healthy? He seems to be missing empathy and I wonder if he has an emotional deficit of some sort.

Bleemee

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 12:58 pm

I don’t think he has to wait but giving a warning isn’t waiting.

Perly1

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:15 pm

Perhaps you can discuss your concerns with him and come up with a compromise or suggest he discusses this with his rov.

Is he rigid in other areas - Shabbos table behaviour etc?

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:24 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

Wow. Really self centered. Never heard of leaving without saying good bye or telling the kids he is leaving. Also shocks me that he didn't seem to care of DS went to shul at all.

I don't see it as self-centered, or dysfunctional, or a sign of an emotional deficit. I think it's an issue of culture clash. If you don't know the yekke mindset you don't understand it.

Doesn't mean he shouldn't give a 5-minute warning before he goes, but I definitely understand why he wouldn't give it. Kids need to learn the value of time and not to be late. Without reminders, without people sitting on them.

But in our culture what he's doing doesn't work. He needs to give that 5-minute warning, at the very least.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:42 pm

I dont get all the drama, sorry. Kids know dad is a stickler for time. They know dad's policy is to leave at the exact time he said he would. While kid watched dad get ready, he sat at the table and chatted. Child was not yelled at, sent to his room or anything like that. He stayed in his nice cozy home with his mom.

Unless dad is abusive in others ways, he being a stickler for timing and having this one policy of leaving when he says he will is not cause for all this melodrama, sorry. Wife can disagree with his methods but he has a right to parent as he sees for--again, provided there is no verbal or emotional abuse.

cuffs

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:54 pm

I would be livid. That is not normal.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:57 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Agreed.

And also, DH (a yekke himself) pointed out that OP's DH may fear that giving a 5-minute warning will lead to arguments and begging for more time, and thus hold him up.

I do not agree and think a 5-minute warning is an appropriate compromise on the part of OP's DH. I think if her DH can walk out like that he should have the inner strength to say "I'm leaving in 5 minutes" and then walk out without getting sucked into an argument.

Also, OP, I think it needs to be said that for yekkim not being on time - or 5-15 minutes early - means disrespecting time and not understanding that time waits for no one. And disrespecting someone's time equals (in the yekke mind) disrespecting that person as a person. So when you ask him to wait a bit he hears it as "wait a bit, your time isn't that valuable and this isn't that important," which is essentially complete disrespect of his time, which in his mind equals disrespect of him himself. That's not to say this is a true interpretation of your statement, but I do think that you need to understand how he hears you.

Because my DH is a yekke and I myself am not (my family is the "fashionably late" type that comes only half an hour late because nothing starts on time anyways) we have had countless arguments on this issue. DH has compromised over the years and kept his mouth shut, but mostly because I made it clear that I respect this yekke habit of his and I think he is in the right, and that both me and the kids should work on making sure to always be 5 minutes early and never be late. I don't manage all the time, in real life, but that is my aim, so since he sees that, he just accepts that it is a work in progress (I have made decent progress over the years) and tries to accommodate and help it along as much as possible. Maybe that could work for you as well.