Im sure there's a simple solution to this

amother

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 3:48 am

I'm just not thinking of it.

My kids are getting older, bedtime is later and I get no time to spend with my husband.
By the time we have spent time with them, put various age kids to bed, dealt with this one's issue and that one's needs its late and we're exhausted. Im not just talking about sx, we can manage a few quickies here and there. Im talking about spending kid free time, talking, connecting etc.
I'm feeling very lonely and its affecting my mood terribly. I need adult time to recharge. I need to have time in the evening and night without a million knocks on the door, questions, requests. Do I make any sense?
Am I horribly selfish that I need to turn off Mommy mode and function in wife and grown up mode?
Looking for practical solutions.
Oh also I have a baby. There actually is only a few hrs at night before I have to feed him again so aside for general exhaustion and a need for sleep, my window of adult time before the baby wakes up or my husband crashes is kind of small.

amother

Cerise

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 3:51 am

I don't have a simple solution, but here is serious validation! You DO need that time, and I struggle with it too.

Going on a date is very important. At one point it was just us on the porch or in the car, with the older kids on "duty" with a cell phone just in case. But it is SO necessary to have that kid-free time. (we pay the kids for babysitting)

amother

Beige

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 6:33 am

I absolutely relate. I have a toddler and teens.
"dates" whenever you can, even if it's just a walk around the block or sitting in the car in front of the house.
Is there any way you can have a little flexibility with working hours? My DH owns his own business, so while he is quite busy and works more than 40 hrs a week, he can take off a few hrs in the morning once in a while and we go out for breakfast after the kids go to school.

amother

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 7:17 am

I knew the suggestion would be dates, it doesn't really appeal to me to be honest.

Babysitters are very expensive where we live and money is tight, then we spend half the evening bribing the kids to behave for the babysitter, I worry about how the babysitter is managing my child who's on the spectrum, and have often been called to come home or to deal with this or the other. The cold weather and covid restrictions really limit what we can do and the honest truth is I dont want to go out. At the end of the day I x want to get dressed and go out, I just want to get into jammies and chill out w DH.
My husband leaves the house at 6 and comes home at 7. No flexibility there.

amother

Pewter

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 7:24 am

OP I very much relate, and dates don't work for us either. We try to do a weekend getaway about twice a year and that's our little recharge. It's not always very effective but it's something.
*getting babysitters is too hard and too $$$, we find it easier to find family members to send the kids to for that shabbos. We've also taken the kids along once or twice, with the big ones in a separate hotel room and the two little ones with us...I know it kind of defeats the purpose but I guess we felt the whole family needed a recharge.

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 7:43 am

Op I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s no solution.
I absolutely understand your post and could’ve written every word.

It’s a very hard stage. I’m grateful every day but It’s very hard.

Maybe people with a very big house have it easier?
Or maybe if someone’s love language is not quality time , it’s easier?
Perhaps.

Tirza

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 7:57 am

I felt exactly the same way you do when my kids were little. Your feelings are perfectly valid.
Here's what I would do in your situation: Explain to your older children that Mommy and Daddy need time alone to talk about important things. Then set a one hour window after the little ones are asleep, when no one is allowed to come into or knock on the door of your bedroom (or whichever room you choose) unless someone is physically hurt. Literally hang a sign on the door that says this. Stick to it. Your children will quickly learn to comply.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 8:07 am

Tirza wrote:

Interesting. When do you spend time with or help older kids with schoolwork? My older ones wait and wait until the younger ones are asleep to get their time. If I put it off again, it won't go well. One, for example, will decide that if I can't study with him until 9:30, he's not studying. And even if he would, really, he can't that late.

From personal knowledge, a key factor is how hold your spectrum kid is, OP, and when he goes to bed. You're not getting any time with dh before that, I assume, or at least not uninterrupted time. And if he's younger and going to bed earlier, that's likely when the other kids realistically see their time with their mother starting. Also, this issue needs to be worked out together with dh, as opposed to you factoring in his crashing time along with all the kids' needs. Yes, I know- way easier said than done.

frumarochel

Sat, Dec 12 2020, 6:20 pm

For teenagers, declare an early bedtime for yourself, to be preceded by a period of perhaps one hour when no interruptions may be made to parents except for emergencies. That is the hour for yourselves as a couple. Tell the older children candidly that parents need time for each other! They need to learn that for their own families someday.

Any older children who stay awake longer than you may ask their father for help and advice. This may be a good opportunity for them to learn from one another.

Your comment about needing to wake up for the baby led me to create these suggestions. I began with what you need: sleep before feeding the baby, a quiet time before bed, time alone as a couple. Feel free to create what you need and make rules around this. It's very good for older children to learn how to adapt their wishes to conform to their needs.

You will be setting a good example as a mother to take good care of yourself!