Names on wedding invitations

amother

Thu, May 27 2021, 11:16 am

My son b'h is engaged.
We are doing invitations and dont know what to do about parents names in hebrew.
We never put my name as per my rav. We put (sorry dont know how to get hebrew text) Moshe Katz and wife in hebrew.
The girls side puts the wifes name.
I know it is a minor detail but I like the way we do it. Unfortunately my rav is no longer alive so I cant ask him.
Would it look funny if we each have different on the invitation?
Anyone else have this problem?

amother

Cobalt

Thu, May 27 2021, 11:39 am

Mazel tov!

You can do whatever you like, even if it's asymmetrical.

For myself, I always find these "immaculate conception" invitations perplexing. There is nothing immodest about the fact that your son has a mother.

amother

Seashell

Thu, May 27 2021, 12:07 pm

I respect your tznius concern and guidance you've received. At the same time, I think it would look odd to have the 2 sets of parents' names written differently. Not sure how to reconcile. If it was me, I would probably mention what your Rav told you and what you've done in the past and see if the other side is amenable. If not, in the interest of shalom, I would just write our names the same as them.

amother

Emerald

Thu, May 27 2021, 12:12 pm

There's nothing wrong with putting your name on the invitation. Why did your rav say not to? I would the same for both sides and put both womens names.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, May 27 2021, 12:19 pm

I've definitely seen wedding invitations with each side different. I've even seen invitations with three versions if you count the grandparents! (With wife's name, with wife's initials, "and wife").
I've even seen on the English side, although less common (Mr and Mrs/first names/wife name first), most people are still formal on the English side.
Which makes me think...OP, if you think an asymmetrical invitation is strange (trust me that most people don't think about the invitation quite as much as you do), would putting your initials feel more comfortable?
Something practical to consider: when I get an invitation that I only know the wife and her name is not on it, it sometimes takes me a while to figure out who it's from, I don't always know husband names, sometimes I need to check return addresses and even then, if it's a friendly from work, etc, I don't always know where they live.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, May 27 2021, 5:45 pm

wadr to your rav z"l....if your name isn't on the invite, and I assume it's also not going to be on the return address on the envelope...what happens if you invite a friend of yours who knows you mainly as "Shoshana" and doesn't have any idea who Rabbi Moshe Segal is?

FTR that's why I like having the grandparents' names included. When I see that the bride's grandparents are Millie and Chezki Minchkin, or even Mr. and Mrs. Chezki Minchkin, I know that she's my cousin's granddaughter. I have no idea who Rabbi and Mrs. Yoseph Grunwald are, Rebbetzin Grunwald being one of my cousin's eleventeen children and I barely knew her given name, let alone her married name.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, May 27 2021, 6:19 pm

In our circles (chareidi litvish)99.9% are משה כהן ורעייתו.
Its quite common to add below: לבית אבגדה which means wife's maiden name was אבגדה.
I think only one time I had an invitation where side one stated wife's name and side two didn't.
I even checked with with dh and we both say: nobody will think it's odd.
What I don't get is when posters say they have a hard time to find out the wife's name. I always ask Dh to find out by asking the one who sent it.

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 27 2021, 6:39 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Some people don’t have a dh. I don’t...

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, May 30 2021, 5:49 am

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

Some people don’t have a dh. I don’t...

When I was still divorced I usually could call a friend and find out.

amother

Plum

Sun, May 30 2021, 8:18 am

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your Rav.
Will you be finding a new Rav? Who do you ask your other shailos to?

Mazel tov on your upcoming simcha!

Chayalle

Sun, May 30 2021, 8:24 am

I have received invitations in the past where it took me time to figure out who it's from. I don't always remember old acquaintences' married names. It's so helpful if they put the mother's name. I don't see why it is a lack of tznius - even the Torah has girls' names. When my kids get married, my name is going on there somewhere.

Cute story - my DH learns in BMG. Sometimes yeshiva boys will approach a married person with questions. There was this sweet guy who sat behind DH, who would come and discuss the sugyah a bit here and there..... One day he told DH he became a Chassan. Then he gave DH an invitation to the wedding, and we realized that a) he married a really nice girl who was in high school with my girls and b) I went to school with his mother (and she's a great girl too!) I realized it cuz her name was on the Hebrew side, and her parents name as the grandparents. Nice feeling when you realize you know someone.

amother

Ginger

Sun, May 30 2021, 8:31 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

so just put mishpachat X
that is a lovely thing to do

I was responding to this:
What I don't get is when posters say they have a hard time to find out the wife's name. I always ask Dh to find out by asking the one who sent it.

keym

Sun, May 30 2021, 8:31 am

When I did my son's bar mitzvah invitations, I started off with R Moshe Stein and Family on the first draft. My in-laws prefer that way so I did it. But then I started putting down grandparents and great-grandparents and it became Mrs Sarah Friedman-grandmother (because my father isn't alive).
And then I realized that it seemed ridiculous that my name shouldn't be on the invitation, but my mother's should just because she's not married. Either women's names are problematic or not.
So the final draft ended up reading Moishe and Miriam Stein.

amother

Mustard

Sun, May 30 2021, 8:56 am

I am not a feminist at all. I know this isn't what you're asking but I find it so hurtful not to have the woman's name on the invitation. And more than that I have gotten quite a few invitations where I have no idea who it is for! I'm not kidding. I live in Israel and I don't always know the husband's first name. And it's very hard to figure it out I have to go through a lot of work to figure out which Cohen It is. Sometimes it's just for my husband someone that he knows and it's quite frustrating. I do not understand why it is not modest to put on the husband's name at all. And when I see this for a dinner or something I say I will never donate to a cause that won't put a woman's name in print.

amother

Sun, May 30 2021, 9:30 am

OP here.

For everyone who says to put wife's name also why not on the English side also?
I have never seen it say on the english side Moshe and Leah Katz, always Mr and Mrs Katz unless it is very MO.
So why on the hebrew side?

amother

Black

Sun, May 30 2021, 9:51 am

I do this for a living
Do what the other side wants
There are no halachos for this!
Re the English side there are etiquette rules
But for the Hebrew side do what makes the other side happy

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Jun 01 2021, 10:54 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Yes I would think that's funny and also that the families don't align hashkafically.

Many people are different than their families.