What does erev shabbos/yom tov look like in your house?

amother

Trillium

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 10:33 am

amother [ Dill ] wrote:

Yikes. My house is chaotic and stressful how do you all do it?

Because I grew up with a mom who was and it made going into Shabbos / Yt unpleasant and I learned in seminary that’s exactly the opposite of what it should be - so I never let it be that way. Don’t want my kids hating it the way I didn

amother

Hyacinth

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 12:25 pm

My house is calm and ready early. Back in the days when my kids were small I set the dining room table on Tuesday and I did grocery orders. Cooking starts on Wednesday. I don't make fancy dishes, but good traditional Shabbos food that everyone likes. I only work until 12pm on Friday so that helps. For many years I did not have a cleaning lady on Friday so I got up at the crack of dawn Friday morn to wash the floors. I still set up my Shabbos candles on Thursday. I hate feeling tense so I do everything I humanly can to prevent stress. Of course, HKBH is in charge but I feel like He helps me because I try my best. Aside for my married kids I don't have much company for Shabbos - when I do, I am still ready early but certainly I am more stressed.

amother

Sand

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 2:06 pm

We are BH calm.
I shop wed. Cook Thurs a few things and finish Fri morn.
I do let the kids watch when they are bathed and ready. We stop watching half an hour bf Licht as I don't like them going into shabbos from a screen. The last half hr we put muktsah stuff away and set shabbos table with kiddish cup etc.
I don't make a basic shabbos nor very fancy... somewhere in the middle. I try cook double of at least a couple dishes each week so I always have what to pull out the freezer to supplement.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 4:24 pm

My dh always says that he should thank my mother that erev shabbos , yom tov , whether pesach or sukkos etc , there is always good to eat erev shabb and yon tov and the house is pretty calm .
I grew up where the house was not calm , and crazy , was never food to eat ( especially erev pesach )
So for me it’s so important that there’s a sense of calm and always something for everyone to eat so don’t get to the meal starving

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 4:38 pm

My parents have never kept Shabbos.

I used to go to my in-laws and Friday is the busiest day. I knew not to plan things for Fridays. Sometimes there was some yelling and tension. Usually not too bad. The cooking was done on Thursday, and a major kitchen clean up was organized on Friday afternoon.

In my house, there's no yelling but I start feeling the stress as time gets on and there's things I haven't accomplished yet (my kids are very small). My husband makes Shabbos late. I have skipped my shower before so that I wouldn't be late. We both want to get better.

amother

Whitewash

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 5:23 pm

There's no one answer. It depends on time of year, whether I'm working from home or from the office, whether we're having company or not...and of course stage of life. With all our children out of the house, erev Shabbos may never be as hectic (B"H!) as it was in the winter when we had very young children, I was getting home 45 minutes or less before candlelighting, and dh was often getting home after candlelighting. I still prefer to finish most of my cooking Thursday night, but if I put the chicken with its sauces and spices in a pot in the fridge and cook it Friday afternoon, no biggie. 25 years ago I couldn't do that. 25 years ago I was much more organized and disciplined--but, then, I was 25 years younger.

When the kids come for Shabbat, a lot depends on how many people need to shower or bathe and when/whether the grandkidddies need to be fed before Shabbos.

Overall, I'd say it's fairly calm--certainly this time of year, with long Fridays--but I'd also say I appreciated Shabbat a lot more when I had to bust my kishkes to be ready on time!

ra_mom

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:36 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Hard to read this
My parents house was stressful and tense on friday- my mother needed everything perfect and a lot of screaming
I work so hard that it shouldn't be stressful- I prepare everything on Thursday night. I cook challa and kugel on alternate Wednesdays and freeze. I have cleaning help Friday morning and give my kids very reasonable jobs. Im still stressed and tense every erev Shabbos 🤦‍♀️
Anyone have any ideas for me?

It sounds like you're ready early with cooking and cleaning out of the way by Friday noon. Which part is stressful? Is it getting everyone bathed? Serving lunch? Keeping them busy? Keeping the house clean? What sort of jobs are you referring to?

amother

Jade

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:54 pm

I chose 2. Mostly calm on time and happy, sometimes a little more tense depending on the time of year or how busy the week was. Growing up, things were always last minute and stressful chaotic erev shabbos especially close to licht. My parents are great, just certain types of personalities. I made a conscious choice to do it differently and I'm a different person so it works...
At one point, I was very into the shabbos by chatzos thing. I sort of fell off of that track but I like the idea.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:58 pm

ra_mom wrote:

Thanks- I would say keeping the house clean but more just I feel uptight. Its not logical at all

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 7:16 pm

I have the worst of all worlds:
- my house is a disaster (literal garbage on the floor, muktzah on the dining room table, of course a sink full of dishes but also cocoa spilled on the countertop and the toddler dumped a bottle of water on the floor)
- I don’t make particularly complex foods. Many weeks we just have challah and then a single dish for the main course - just soup. Or just meatballs. No multi-course meals.
- my kids fight nonstop and do not help AT ALL (they are big enough to do a job like “pick the books off the floor and put them on a bookshelf” or “take a shower and don’t splash water all over the floor and leave wet clothes and towels all over”, but they will turn everything into a fight)

It is so so so hard to walk the line between “this is fine, I cannot control the chaos. I only have control over my reaction and I will not scream and make Erev Shabbos ‘ugly’” and “I can’t live like this anymore. Doesn’t anyone else care at all??”

there. I said it.
I can’t be the only one, so I’m putting this out there in case anyone else takes comfort from knowing they are not alone.

I try doing things in advance, I really do, but I’m literally putting out fires some days (a tween tried to set stuff on fire while having a rage-fueled meltdown).
If HaShem gave me this life, He will have to understand.
Those poor malachim who look into my house on Friday night… the “good” Malach’s heart must break every single week.

ra_mom

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 7:45 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Thanks- I would say keeping the house clean but more just I feel uptight. Its not logical at all

That makes sense. You're afraid of losing control. It's the trauma from the way your mom dealt with erev shabbos, screaming if anyone undid the perfection she was trying to hold together. It might have come up in other areas of your childhood too.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 7:58 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

You are not alone! Most of us who get stressed erev shabbos have been scared off of this goody goody two shoes thread.

rainbow dash

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:08 pm

I'm a bt and my DH is ffb. I'm a sahm.I have a cleaner Wednesday and the house kind of stays clean till then. Thursday I go shopping and cook and bake Thursday night or Friday morning. Bh I have 2 dishwashers. When the kids come home from school they have jobs and baths. I set my table first thing Friday morning.

I calculate that everything is on the blech 2 to 1 hr before lighting.

Usually dh will come home 5 minutes before lighting and will leave boxes of shopping in the entrance. Very annoying especially after I just cleaned up.

I'll say its calm until the kids start to argue who goes first in the bath, or arguing about the phones and laptops. My son got mad this week when I went to light and had to turn off the laptops. I explained to him that it's not nice to be online till the last second.

My relative was like that. After we light he would be sitting in the lounge with us online but with headphones on till 18 minutes past. I really hated it.