Dc resentful that I work at home when they’re home

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:09 pm

Looking to see how others would approach this.

Do you think it’s ok and reasonable to expect an 8 and 10 year old to entertain themselves while you work with other children in the basement of your home for half hour - 1 hour each day during the afternoon soon after they come home from camp? I am available and accessible if they need me, but I do ask them not to bother if it’s not extremely important.

1 child is totally ok, the other is resentful.

I don’t know if I should be firm and no nonsense about this, or take their resentment into consideration.

Relevant points are: we do not absolutely need the income, but extra is always nice. I am doing this more for my own sense of purpose and also to build a caseload/career/reputation.

Also relevant that in general I make being available for my children a big priority when choosing how and when I work, I’ve always been home to send them off and home to greet them when they get back. No Nannies or babysitters, not because I judge or anything, it’s just a priority for me to be an available mother. So there’s a little bit of guilt that maybe I’m going against my values, but, otoh, I’m home, and my kids are big and really really don’t need me every minute. It’s not like I would be actively engaged with them during that time if I wasn’t working.

One more relevant point, I also see kids later in the evening for an hour each day, but at that point my husband is home.

I guess I also feel guilty that I’m not working during the day when they’re out, but everyone is wanting me to see their kids when they get home from day camp…

Also relevant: resentful dc isn’t resentful for any concrete reason. They are just an anxious
, clingy somewhat oppositional type with a very very hard time entertaining themself. Before anyone is down my back at my negative attitude, keep in mind that I am asking if I should be taking this resentment into account despite the fact that I know this resentment isn’t reasonable or based on anything concrete.

I’ve also had to bribe resentful child with screen time but it’s becoming a battle I’m really not happy about. And of course non resentful child that would otherwise be fine on their own now insists on screen time too.

Would appreciate any and all feedback

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:38 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

I also work those after camp/after school hours from home. At times there is a DC or another who is resentful, but overall I make sure to give them attention and show love and they are ok.
Plan something for them to do.
Make sure they have the food/snack they need.
Praise them for their good behavior
Give them full attention when you are finished.

I struggle to plan things for them to do. We talked about it before the summer and came up with a few ideas but in the moment they nix everything and out of desperation I agree to screen time.

Possibly if I would hand dc one of these small craft kits every single day that would satisfy them, but somehow I feel that’s overdoing it and not setting a positive habit. They do not want to work on any longer term project, it looses its appeal after 2 days.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:44 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

What about talking to DC and making a compromise? Like three afternoons a week etc

We did have a conversation and came up with 4 different activities they would rotate, 1 of which was screen time. But they keep nixing the other ideas and whining for screen time which I end up giving because hello, my clients at the door. And this was for 2 afternoons a week
.

I’m really asking because right now it’s 2 afternoons a week (plus 2 on Sunday, plus the evening one when dh is home) and I’m considering taking on 1 more client for the other 2 afternoons.

lamplighter

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:46 pm

I think it's very hard to have mommy home but not home "for you".
A strict schedule for during that time with something different or extra should be in place. It may be 20 min of screen time and then 20 min of perler beads etc. What they do at that time should not be things they do other times. This is what they do while mommy is working.
Make a list of activities/what they can do with them and then each day set up the schedule for that day. Just entertain yourselves isn't gonna fly.
I'm not the person to talk about resentment because I'm hyper sensitive to my kids feelings (pendulum swinging the other direction from upbringing). I personally think that time after camp/when they first come home is crucial time...they come home to their safe space and then you leave to go work with "other kids". I'll let others chime in on that though bc I realize I may be sensitive to this.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:55 pm

lamplighter wrote:

I appreciate this perspective. Thanks for sharing.

Like I said a big part of the struggle is finding things to do. Dc isn’t interested in perler beads or play doh or kinetic sand or any other craft activity. Also when screentimes on the table, they don’t want to do anything else.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 3:59 pm

I think the most important thing is to make a decision and stick to it. If the child senses your ambivalence, they will use that and keep kvetching.
Imho, I think what you're doing is reasonable. You're present when they get home, have activities planned, and say that you are generally an attentive parent. I don't think it's the end of the world that mommy works a little bit. I also think it's an important skill for kids to develop to be able to entertain themselves. I'd put a bit more effort in the planning, maybe buying a craft kit that takes several days to do or more art supplies...
But bottom line, if you can't be certain with your decision and will always second guess it, your child will sense it and never stop whining, so then just don't do it. If you're sure it's reasonable and balanced with enough present parenting, explain firmly that mommy needs to work these times and you'll appreciate their cooperation and help them plan activities. Maybe if the one hour screen time allows this child to wind down from the day, and what they're watching is decent content, maybe it's not the end of the world as a good compromise for what works for your family right now.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 5:21 pm

octopus wrote:

This is when all the other mommies want you to to see their kid. During kooky hour. That's what I call the hours between camp and school. Hint: it last for more than an hour. Don't have high expectations for your kids during these hours. It is what it is. If you decide to continue with your work, don't feel guilty about it. It's kooky time. If you decide to stop, don't feel guilty about it. What can you do ? It's kooky time.

I won’t feel guilty if I have to stop but I’d feel slightly resentful at this dc for running my life.

Because of our specific situation, I don’t feel like it’s such a kooky time in our house. It’s just 2 kids and they’re not toddlers. And only 1 of them is having issues. Incidentally, it’s the older one. If I wasn’t working, they’d still need to find what to do. Suddenly because I am, they become frantically distressed that they don’t have what to do.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 5:24 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

You’re so right and this is exactly the issue. I know if I’d be confident and no nonsense about it, dc would eventually make peace with it. But I am ambivalent, because I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing.

I can try to be more proactive with activities but whatever we’ve tried up until now has failed, except for screen time. What’s the most frustrating about screen time is that it becomes obligatory. So even if friends show up at that moment and if I wasn’t working they’d go off and find something to do, the screen time is already etched in stone. And then of course ends up extending way past the end of my session.

amother

DarkGreen

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:11 pm

I wouldn't do it. I think it's harder for a kid that you have another child in the house who you're with than if you were locked in a room doing paperwork- it feels like competition. When dc asks you something, you're likely going to put the client child's needs first (which makes sense- you're working and they're paying for the time.) It's really hard for many kids when you turn away from them back to another child. Especially during "kooky time", which does last more than an hour. How old is this child?

I would ask these families if they can come later in the evening, closer to your evening appointments.

amother

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 6:12 pm

amother [ DarkGreen ] wrote:

The child is 10

amother

Molasses

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 7:33 pm

I have an 8 and 10 year old and I cant imagine them letting me work at all. Especially with another child!

Maybe they should tho.
They drive me mad when im on the phone and follow me around the house. Its enough to make me go crazy.
Your kids sound like good or better then mine.

Personally I would feel bad working with children of a similar age in my own home, while they are left to fend for themselves.

I work with very little children and I always try not to make my work sound too exciting for them..because then theyd want to join me.
If I would work with kids at home (eg playgroup) I think id have to give them the option of joining/helpimg...

Hatzlocho.

Fox

Sun, Jul 17 2022, 8:05 pm

Not unreasonable, at all, OP. My husband and I have both worked from a home office (sometimes just us; sometimes with other employees) for 30 years. We did so for a number of reasons, but an important one was that we wouldn't be a commute away when our kids genuinely needed us.

Of course, the flip side of working from home is that the boundaries aren't as distinct.

The first thing to do is to get rid of your own ambivalence about your home-based work. For thousands of years, kids went "home" to their parents' small businesses -- and plenty of times, they were put to work as soon as they were able! Running any kind of home-based business or simply working from a home office is NOT neglectful.

A couple of thoughts and ideas based on my experiences in the trenches:

* Remind yourself and your kids whenever appropriate that your family is tremendously lucky that you can pursue your job from home. They don't have to go to a babysitter or some other arrangement until you get home from the office.

* From time to time, remind them of the benefits your income provides. I used to mention it when we would have pizza, a favorite of my kids. "I'm so glad I'm able to work from home. That way I'm in the house when you get home, but we can still afford to have pizza occasionally. It's good for all of us."

* Create a routine around your schedule. My problem was that my kids always got home about 45 minutes before I could wrap things up with my clients. And sometimes there would be a crisis that made it take even longer before I could give them my full attention. So I made popcorn every day a few minutes before they got home and then greeted them. They snacked on popcorn and did a little (very little) homework until I could get back.

* Make up a system they can use to get your attention if there's an emergency or something genuinely serious happens. Yes, there will be some abuse. But it's a good way to reinforce the fact that you are trusting them to help you by allowing you to work.

* This last one may be more controversial, since families handle allowances and chores differently. However, around age 8-10 is when I started offering kids modest amounts of extra money to take over certain chores. My most enterprising daughter happily assumed responsibility for the family's laundry. My older son was always up for cleaning closets and other big organizational projects. My youngest son was put in charge of collecting the mail every day. It was basically a way to link the idea of hishtadlus to income while also utilizing a bit of their time and teaching them how to accept correction from a boss and handle work issues.

Hatzlacha, OP! I also agree with Octopus about "kooky time." There are certain calendar periods as well as hours when kids are just impossible. Sometimes I think my popcorn solution was basically just a way to keep their mouths busy munching popcorn instead of whining and being generally unpleasant.