irking me- food | Imamother

amother

Sun, May 25 2008, 2:06 pm

the last two times I had guests, the guests did that irked me.
guest number 1- came with her husband during the week on pesach. I asked specifically if there were any foods they didnt eat. they said mushrooms. I tried to ask a few times if there was anything else they dont eat, they said only mushrooms. I told them I'm making matza lasagna. they said it sounded wonderful. as I was cooking it, I thought to myself "maybe they dont eat some vegetables I'm putting in, I'll ask them if they eat those veggies. " I tried so hard to reach them but they didnt answer the phone so I figured, what the hey, they insisted they ate anything but mushrooms. so I put in the veggies.
they come and I serve them. as it was during the week, I made a one course meal. they see whats in the lasagna. then I find out that they wont touch zuchini, spinach, or eggplant, all which was inside the lasagna. And I asked them a million times if there was anything they didnt eat. They said no, so I made a one pot meal, and there was nothing else to eat. They ended up picking at the top layer of the lasagna, with no veggies.

WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU DONT EAT???

Guest number 2.
I had some relatives over this shabbos. They didnt tell me what they would and wouldnt eat, even though I asked quite a few times.
And then during the meal "Oh, that has raw onions? I cant eat raw onions." "Cabbage? that gives me gas, cant eat that." "Ick, its too spicy!" "Mustard? You put MUSTARD in your food? I cant eat that." "Deli meat? Thats not healthy enough." "Uch that tastes like ketchup, I'm not eating it." "I don't like salad dressing on salad, I'm not touching that."
UCH!!!!
Ok, granted, some of those stuff were said by kids. But pre-teens who their mother should have taught them better. And part of it was said by the mother.
"Hubby, can you eat this for me?" as she lifts it off her plate, "I dont like this, chaval that it should go to waste" and then no one wants to take it from her plate, obviously.

I learned that its NOT common courtesy to make impolite comments about your food. That calling food disgusting is an avera, a bizayon to hashems food. And it embarasses the hosts.
Firstly, if someone asks you if you dont eat any food, be UPFRONT with them about your likes and dislikes. Don't assume your host knows already or that they won't cook with that food... (I had this LOVELY shabbos guest once that had a list a mile long of her allergies and dislikes... and I was THRILLED with that, because I was able to make food she could eat.) The worst feeling ever is if you make a nice meal and then your guests wont touch it because they didnt tell you that they dont touch ___. And them telling you that its nothing personal against your cooking, its just that they dont like ___ doesnt help, because still, as a hostess, you want to be able to take care of your guests.
When I go to someones house, I eat the food given me, unless its really disgusting. If its tasteless, a little too strong, not my ideal choice of seasonings, I eat it. If I cannot manage to finish it because it grosses me out too much, I eat as much as I can and then pretend that I did eat more, by playing around with my food.

AND NEVER TRY TO TAKE THE FOOD OFF YOUR PLATE!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW RUDE THAT IS AND HOW MUCH IT EMBARRASSES THE HOSTESS???

Just a vent, and maybe someone will actually learn about being a better guest after reading this.

freidasima

Sun, May 25 2008, 2:16 pm

I fully understand what you mean. We rarely have guests over during the week but shabbos is a problem because you can't make new food. However I look at it also from the other side of the coin. There is a lot of stuff that I can't (not "won't, CAN'T) eat and when people ask me what I can or can't eat I usually say something like, if you have dry bread and a green salad with no dressing I'm fine. They can't believe it. But go tell Israelis that you can't have anything with fat, oil, fried, margarine, butter of any kind...

So that's my easiest way out...but then it usually turns out that they make something and I can't eat it anyhow (what? You can't have oil but all I did was put lemon juice/vinegar/salt on the salad...yes I know but I can't have lemon juice/vinegar/salt)...so...I try not to eat out...ever.

montrealmommy

Sun, May 25 2008, 2:16 pm

sorry you had such rude guests. I agree, being upfront is the best policy. We once had guests and afte repeatedly asking if there were any food aversions or allergy (and being told repeatedly "no") - I found out that one of the guests was a vegeterian - I almost screamed! I hear your frustration and agree with you fully -

Raisin

Sun, May 25 2008, 2:18 pm

oh boy that is so rude coming from an adult. (alas normal behaviour with kids and teens)

I had a guest recently. I asked her, is there anything you don't eat? are you a a vegetarian?

she admitted to being a vegetarian, but after I had made quiche etc she ate nothing with eggs or dairy. hmmm, if you're a vegan, tell me!

amother

Sun, May 25 2008, 4:25 pm

I agree the guests were rude. You tried so hard to accomodate them and they didn't cooperate and went as far as to make horrible comments.

On one hand, I can understand as a guest feeling embarrassed giving the host a long laundry list of likes and dislikes. But it's better then ending up in a situation like you describe. The hostess wouldn't ask unless she cared, so might as well be upfront about things.

louche

Mon, May 26 2008, 8:40 pm

OP, your guests have appalling manners. I applaud your efforts to tailor your menu to your guests' dietary preferences. You're under no obligation to do so but it's both sensible and considerate.

If these guests aren't close friends, I wouldn't invite them again. (And if they are close friends, I'd have to ask why?)Really. That may not be very nice of me, but I have cut people off my guest list who have made nuisances of themselves, assuming they're not nebachs whom I'm inviting as a tzedakah as opposed to friends I'm inviting for my own pleasure. If I haven't asked in advance, which happens sometimes, and I find out about some dietary quirk, then after Shabbos I write down somewhere that the goodsteins are allergic to eggplant, and then don't serve eggplant next time. But you did everything in your power to find out your guests' preferences and they didn't cooperate.

Furthermore, if they really made the kind of remarks you quote, like "ICK" shock

I don't care if it's a three-year-old, that's completely unacceptable, kal vachomer in an older child or an adult. My parents Mirandized each of us kids the very first time we were invited to someone's house--and for years after: You have the right not to like the food your hosts serve you. You have to eat it anyway. . If they ask you if you want some ______ you may say "no thank you" or "just a tiny bit to taste" but once they put it on your plate you have to eat it, and anything you say can and will be held against you. And regardless of what your true opinion is. you must always thank your hosts for the meal. "

We in turn Mirandized our kids exactly the same way, except that we added "You have the right to tell them if they ask you before you come if there's anything you don't like. You have the right to remain silent, but if you choose to remain silent under those circumstances, you forfeit the right to refuse to eat any foods."

It's not rocket science, it's just plain derech eretz. Where were these people born, in a sty?

montrealmommy

Mon, May 26 2008, 9:14 pm

well said louche

the only part dh and I do a little different in the Mirandizing is we tell them they have to taste it 2 times (becuase honestly, once is rarely a taste) and if after 2 times they still don't like it, they have the right not to finish it. That goes for what I cook at home too! No special kiddie meals here!

mamacita

Tue, May 27 2008, 8:09 am

This drives me nuts too! I mean, if you don't like it, why would you say something out loud? In front of the hostess?

Surprise vegetarians (or vegans) are no fun either. Seriously, you can't assume I'll serve salads and kugels so you can get by without mentioning it! I'd rather be inconvenienced (I wouldn't be, but maybe that's why they won't tell) than embarrassed, upset, or annoyed that I didn't have food to serve you!

yo'ma

Tue, May 27 2008, 8:12 am

When pple do that, it's frustrating, but it's their loss.

girliesmommy

Tue, May 27 2008, 10:06 am

I'm a very picky eater, but when people ask me if there's anything I don't eat, I usually just say "make whatever you were planning, and I'm sure I'll find something that I like". If I end up hungry, hey, that's my problem for being so picky!!

There have been times where I've eaten things that I don't usually eat, because I've been hungry. But, for an adult to announce that they don't like something?!?!

Motek

Tue, May 27 2008, 10:51 am

OP - are you the one who started the thread before Pesach about awful relatives and comments about your menus and cooking? Sounds like the same sort of rude people!

If you're not the same, well read her thread and you can commiserate with one another!

flowerpower

Tue, May 27 2008, 10:54 am

I once had guest that the dh was so awful that I never wanted to see them again. He gave comments on all dishes that I served. I made a five course meal and each and every homemade dish had negetive comments and he wouldnt touch them. I get the creepies just thinking of him.

yo'ma

Tue, May 27 2008, 10:56 am

Motek wrote:

I thought the same thing LOL

amother

Tue, May 27 2008, 1:23 pm

Motek wrote:

Yes, thats me. But it was the other side of the family this time... Tongue Out

Motek

Tue, May 27 2008, 3:30 pm

amother wrote:

Motek wrote:

Yes, thats me. But it was the other side of the family this time... Tongue Out

you are kidding! shock

hey, you must have felt at home right away with your husband's side! Twisted Evil

dora

Tue, May 27 2008, 3:59 pm

OP- what a lovely family you have. Your guests were rude and ill mannered and the children are following in their footsteps.
On the other hand, as a guest I experienced a hostess that even though I had informed her of an alergy kept insisting that I "just have a little taste, how bad can it be for you?"