Peaceful home with ASD child

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 8:21 pm

Is it possible to have a peacefulPeaceful home with teenage ASD child? I want a nice quiet night and I don’t want to have to deal with every little complaint that my HFASD child has. If you have HFASD child and a peaceful home please share your tips

amother

RosePink

Mon, Oct 03 2022, 8:20 am

I have a child with PANS and I chil I know has pans but never formally diagnosed. .(anyway going the alternative route so doesn't matter much)

Neurological symptoms are often similar to asd or adhd.
Never a dull moment.

Although I don't have tips for you, other than breathing and being in the moment, (good and bad) I do commiserate. It's HARD.

amother

Lily

Mon, Oct 03 2022, 9:06 am

No. I mean, maybe, but I don't think so.

You can have a happy home. But I have been chasing even-keeled for ages, and I don't think it exists. Eventually, you get more time between the extremes. But the term "it's a roller coaster" is key here- all the ups and downs are steep, not mellow. Some people thrive on that, bounce from one to the other, even NT people. I don't, and it causes me a lot of stress. But I don't see it changing. You can have peace in your own head, you can even reduce the complaints or at least your being the address for them. But from the sidelines, you will see and hear the roller coaster. And even when they're doing it on their own, it's not peaceful for those of us around- though often ultimately satisfying.

amother

Snowflake

Mon, Oct 03 2022, 9:27 am

No, we have no peace. As much as it sucks for me and my husband, it sucks more for my other kids who are affected negatively daily. Sometimes they act traumatized. My husband always thinks therapy will fix it all but it hasn't worked so far. My son's brain functions differently and his behavior hasn't improved for years. Just gotten worse with teenage hormones. I guess at least we know the cause of it all but it's a true challenge to deal with on a regular basis.

amother

Beige

Mon, Oct 03 2022, 10:32 am

Yes - but it's a huge amount of effort and doesn't work always.
An hour before he comes home, I start getting organized. I make sure the other kids are happily occupied, there is a hot meal waiting for him and his room is tidy. It takes me an hour with him to get him to a point where he is calm. Then he goes to his room, hopefully calm and I can turn to other things. BUT it's not foolproof.
I'm not interested in rotten tomatoes from the people who say I am babying him, it's not a way to live etc.
Being in yeshiva is a nightmare for HFASD kids.
R Matisyahu Salamon writes that a child coming home from school is a nebach. Kal vachomer a kid who has just spent 12 hours in a place which is torture to his senses, full of social interactions that they don't understand, with teachers telling them off for things they have no idea they did wrong, with lessons that they understand but don't see any point to, and having to try to fit in and can't relax for even a minute.
Believe me he gets his parenting at other times. The hour he gets home from school is not the right time.

And in terms of life skills, over the last few months he is slowly beginning to learn how to unwind himself. (age 16) All these years of showing him have paid off when he sees I'm busy and says "Do you mind if I eat in my room? I need some space." instead of throwing the food on the floor and hitting everyone in sight.

amother

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 10:41 am

Problem is is that I am an extremely sensitive person I am an HSP. I catch everyone’s emotions and it’s extremely hard for me to stay calm when my son is going crazy and hurting others. Can anyone relate and provide some tips that have worked for them?

amother

Ballota

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 11:57 am

I have a very peaceful home with a low functioning asd teen. Is your child eligible for opwdd? Ds has an overnight hha, and that makes a huge difference. Being able to sleep at night affects everything. Ds has a long day in school. When he comes home, he eats supper, listens to music, and plays until bedtime. When there's no school, we spend lots of time in the park. At home, we have a trampoline, beanbag chairs, an excersize ball, a scooter, and many books to keep ds busy. I have locks on my fridge, freezer, and cabinet to keep ds from destroying the kitchen. I don't know how things are different with a verbal kid. I guess if dh was high functioning, he would know how to open locks.

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:12 pm

Medication!
How come no one mentioned this?
This is a lifesaver. Even my kids know it, they want their meds, they feel better on it.
You don't want to know them before the meds kick in or out...
My kids know, and say that they can't control themselves without it, they feel the difference too.

By avoiding giving them the right medication they need, we rob them from having their best childhood years. On medication they have the ability to thrive to their utmost potential.
They behave better, are happier, they have a better relationship with us and people around them, they focus better and best of all have a calmer mother!

Last edited by amother on Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:39 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:16 pm

My kids have ADHD, two of them have ASD.
With medication they are mature, well behaved and loveable. Without it, they are wild angry immature.

Getting to the right medication can be lots of trial and error. It takes time to figure out the right med and dosage for each kid.
But, it's all worth it. Please consider helping your child and yourself in this way.

(Believe me, I've tried all natural alternatives until I got here)

Last edited by amother on Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:38 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lily

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:41 pm

Often, when it comes to peace, high functioning is harder than low functioning. Other things are of course harder with low.

In terms of meds, I wonder if anyone posting here isn't currently using them, or has tried them. They don't solve everything. My kid, for example, has less explosions and is coachable to come back from them faster with meds. But less is still a lot. And no, there isn't a better answer if we just tried something else.

OP, I get you on absorbing the emotions. My best advice requires some investment- DBT coaching for yourself. It's worth it, and your kid will benefit too, both from your control and your ability to hopefully help him use some of the skills at some point.

amother

Dimgray

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:50 pm

amother Lily wrote:

I did mention that finding the right med and dosage takes time and effort. But very worth it. If you claim that meds don't help, you did not yet the get the right one.
You can try DBT once your child is calmer and can be dealt with logically. Until then, good luck.
BTDT!

Some posters did not try medication, they're still trying natural alternatives, as mentioned above.
If you claim meds don't help, you've gotten the wrong med or dosage. Keep trying and you'll see the transformation in him/her.

amother

Teal

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 2:30 pm

1. My son as his own room. (I realize this is not possible or reasonable for many. If it is, it does help.)
2. My son has outlets and things he enjoys.
3. If he starts up with his siblings, and behaves unacceptably, generally, he needs to go to his room until he can be a good roommate.
4. I have learned to just listen and empathize and not internalize things--and this is important so #3 is offset with appropriate attention.
5. I have to stay calm, even when giving correction---even when telling him to stop this or that or go to his room.
6. My husband and I make a point to be receptive when he does want to talk, particularly about parve or fun (to him at least) things and items of interest. Even if we find them "shtuss" or we're otherwise a little tired.
7. We have to keep the energy down (this is a variation of #5) as the adults and have an environment without chaotic energy/volume. He will reflect and amplify whatever we put out or let be put out in the environment.

amother

Celeste

Tue, Oct 04 2022, 3:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

It really sounds like you are in tune to your child’s needs and are already doing an amazing job. We found that having a quiet corner with stimming toys, activities was a great help for us when she came home from school with the huge meltdown.

amother

Beige

Wed, Oct 05 2022, 5:20 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

My son does not need medication. Noone has ever suggested it. He does not have ADHD, he has very HFASD. There is no medication for ASD. I agree that ADHD is a different story. I have a younger child with ADHD and yes, he is on medication and it is a lifesaver.

I agree that high functioning is in a way harder than low functioning. They are often in a regular classroom which is not adapted to their needs and there is less help available out of school hours. They understand more, do not accept their own limitations, and can be more aggressive.

My tips for keeping calm.
Learn to disassociate. Take a deep breath and say "it's not me. it's not about me."
Take time out for yourself before they come home.
Celebrate the small achievements. If suppertime was calm, celebrate. Even if bedtime was bedlam.