Feeling guilty for working -- again

mom21n2

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:30 am

DS had a horrible day at school yesterday. Acting out, etc. The teacher called to report it. I tried to find out from him what caused him to misbehave so, and it turns out that he was disappointed that I didn't go with him to his friend's birthday party a few days ago. (He went with the sitter.) I feel so sorry that this upset him so much. What can I do? I can't take off from work every time he has a social engagement. Crying

Tamiri

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:42 am

I don't know how old your DS is but my 3 yo who has not been out of my sight for more than 24 hours since the day he was born was giving me a hard time at the playgroup he attended for like 2 hours, 2 times a week. He was getting agressive and making life hard for the other kids and mommies.
Turns out he "missed me" cause I went shopping without him. He drew a picture of a monster who is sad his mommy is going shopping without him, and played "mommy is going without me to shop" with his Fisher Price menchies.
I solved it by taking him out of playgroup and now he goes shopping with me almost every week and is very happy. However, if you work, taking him out of school is not an option and you will have to come up with another solution. I just want you to know that they ALL miss their mommies, don't let the guilt get to you.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:48 am

I've found that trying to fit in an extra few minutes of interaction, like sitting on the floor playing or reading a book one on one, etc. helps loads..just those few minutes.

Also, sometimes I'll get someone to watch the baby and just take my toddler with me to the store, and let him ride the 25 cent ride after checkout if he was good. Sometimes I find I'm so busy at home getting things done (which need to get done), but that if I just gave him 5 min totally undivided attention while he's awake and do 5 min more after he's asleep on the house, he's a different person.

Tamiri

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:54 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I've found that trying to fit in an extra few minutes of interaction, like sitting on the floor playing or reading a book one on one, etc. helps loads..just those few minutes..

This is where I agree

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Also, sometimes I'll get someone to watch the baby and just take my toddler with me to the store, and let him ride the 25 cent ride after checkout if he was good.

This is where I disagree, and the working mommy guilt starts to take precedence against good sense. There is no reason to reward good behavior just because you feel guilty about leaving him. Because next time, the 25 cent ride won't be enough and you will have to buy him a $25 gift because he "was good" and you are too guilty about working to expect him to behave well no matter what.
Your child's reward is time with you. "Things" are just a cop-out. You know all the threads about the gimmees? It starts, and should stop, right here.
Just my opinion.

mom21n2

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:55 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I've found that trying to fit in an extra few minutes of interaction, like sitting on the floor playing or reading a book one on one, etc. helps loads..just those few minutes.

if I just gave him 5 min totally undivided attention while he's awake and do 5 min more after he's asleep on the house, he's a different person.

Yup. It works the same way for us. But, when something "tricky" happens, and he feels deprived [in his own little four year old way], I have to overcompensate. Being imperfect as I am, I don't always get the message that he is needing that "extra" quality time. And then, BLAM, watch out! Mad

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:57 am

Tamiri wrote:

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I've found that trying to fit in an extra few minutes of interaction, like sitting on the floor playing or reading a book one on one, etc. helps loads..just those few minutes..

This is where I agree

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Also, sometimes I'll get someone to watch the baby and just take my toddler with me to the store, and let him ride the 25 cent ride after checkout if he was good.

It's to make shopping with mommy a whole special trip. I dont' feel guilty leaving him. I want him to have some nice attention with mommy and get to have a special "trip" to the store to ride the horsey with mommy.

It's not a reward for being good. Beign good is a requirement for the extra fun. If he's having tantrums, I'm not staying int he store one minute longer.

mom21n2

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 10:58 am

Tamiri wrote:

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Also, sometimes I'll get someone to watch the baby and just take my toddler with me to the store, and let him ride the 25 cent ride after checkout if he was good.

This is where I disagree, and the working mommy guilt starts to take precedence against good sense.

next time, the 25 cent ride won't be enough and you will have to buy him a $25 gift because he "was good" and you are too guilty about working to expect him to behave well no matter what.

I agree with this also. Still, I am quite guilty -- again -- of "bribing" DS with material things to compensate for "depriving him" in other areas. And I don't feel good about it.

Tamiri

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 11:03 am

So this is the way it is on my end (no major guilt): you wanna go to the store, you behave. Going with me is the reward. You don't behave, there is nothing to discuss.
With DS #1, now nearly 23 (!!!!!) years old, we were not so smart yet ,and there was guilt. We were part of "parents are the children's best friend" culture. So then we saw our 2 yo giving us trouble in stores. He wanted things. He demanded them. He had tantrums. So, after consulting with "the experts", veteran parents, we told him: you want to tantrum - there will be no more trips. And you know what? He tested us. And lost.
A kid must behave. If the kid behaves, life is nicer all around. I am not paying for good behavior, and as another poster once wrote: I don't negotiage with toddlers cause I will always lose.

square_peg

Fri, Jun 06 2008, 11:24 am

I think that the appropriate compensation for not spending time with him when you work, is spending time with him when you're not working. Instead of material things, make a special trip with him to the ice cream store, or play a game with him etc. I am sure that you spend time with him, but make an effort to make some of that quality time special.