How much do you accommodate special needs children

amother

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 7:50 pm

My High functioning autistic child has a lot of special needs- a lot of space, a lot of need to control, and a need to make his own decisions. Some examples - if he is building something he doesn't want anyone else in the room while he is working - he doesn't want to build in his room or basement but insists on building in the living room. I've tried so many things - insisting, giving choice, accommodating but I am curious on what is the "right" answer.

Another example was tonight he wants the candles to burn until they burn out. I want to put them out after 1/2 hour for safety reasons. He refused to light until he knew that we would not extinguish them. We did compromise ton that -and allowed them to burn as long as he watched it and he did.

I give him a lot of neutral choice other times, very aware of his need for space and control we accommodate at other times but that still doesn't seem to make a difference.

In general - How much do you accommodate and how much do you insist for special needs.

mushkamothers

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 8:00 pm

With the disclaimer that I have no experience at all with special needs kids, I would think it's however much the accommodations affect the family. That was the bar explained in a book about kids with anxiety. If the family is making accommodations around the anxiety (mom taking phone calls at work, driving out of the way to avoid a certain street, etc) then it's too far. If it doesn't impact anyone else then they can drive themselves crazy.

The point here is to make sure it doesn't affect daily living and to teach kids the skills (again this is specific to anxiety not at all special needs) to live together with others and to have a normal daily life.

So for example, the living room is a shared space and if his creations block off a certain part where nobody else can walk or clean, that's not fair to everyone else. The candles are a lot less intrusive, unless you had to go to sleep early for an early morning flight or appointment.

imasinger

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 8:26 pm

It's not easy, for sure.

I try to pick my battles, keeping in mind that the more I can help them build flexibility, the happier they'll be in the rest of life.

In your case, OP, I'd suggest first listening to WHY he prefers living room for building. Is it a sensory issue with warmth, light, nearness to you? Once you figure out the root cause, it's easier to come up with a solution that works.

Do you have a BCBA to discuss all this with?

amother

Midnight

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 8:33 pm

People who don’t have a high functioning special needs child will never understand this.
My child would repeat the same phrase over and over for weeks straight. There was no way to stop him.
I told everyone else to use ear plugs.
Safety issues are a no go. He doesn’t have to light. I would not give in on anything that poses a safety risk.
Lego, hard one. I like the suggestion of trying to find out why he “has to” build in the living room. I’m guessing it’s because he wants to be close to where the action is. Is it a possibility to sit down with him in a calm time and explain that you’re not going to keep people from using a shared space but you will try to have everyone be careful around his creations?

Surrendered

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 8:43 pm

This is a very tough balance. I do go of my way to accommodate this child's needs as much as possible.
1. He doesn't handle a NO
2. Gotta pick my battles, many times it's not worth saying no.
3. I try to accommodate, and request stuff from him. Yes you can, but first you need to... If you...
4. I have conversations with the other children to explain that he's different and why I Give in to him.
5. I make sure to give enough/extra attention to the other kids, out of his presence.
I understand your struggle, it's really difficult!

How much to give in?
As long as you could bargain with him. Sometimes their mind is so set that anything you say won't help.
If by not giving in it might cause an explosion, I'd choose the high road and give in as hard as it is.

Last edited by Surrendered on Sun, Dec 31 2023, 7:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Amaranthus

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 8:58 pm

You sound like an amazing mom, its not easy to know when to insist and when to let go!
In general I feel that in the heat of the moment is not a time to teach new skills. That would be your opportunity to reinforce previously taught skills.
Find quiet moments to practice flexibility for a while, once he is good at in in contrived opportunities, is when you would want to begin expecting it of him in little amounts during regular real life encounters.

amother

Tuberose

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 9:12 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

With all due respect, if you don’t have a SN child with autism then you have no business answering OP.

I have a 18 year old high functioning autistic child.
Diagnosed at age 2.
& OP your question is very valid & there are no easy answers to the layman. My kids, friends, neighbours etc have the best of intentions but don’t walk in our shoes, or better yet , don’t walk in our child’s shoes. We have no idea what their life really feels like. We can try to imagine but we don’t know.
I found a therapist/coach about 8-9 years ago who is an expert in this field & I go to her for my questions Re my son.
For everyone else I smile & say thanks for the advice. But really there are no easy answers

ectomorph

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 9:18 pm

ectomorph wrote:

I have a child like this. Have you tried medication?

To whoever hugged me; it depends what the behavior is. Medication can help many kids to be able to control themselves, stay safe, and ideally increases both self esteem and ability to get along with siblings. In our child's case, it has been a lifesaver.

We also have ABA therapy; also super helpful, but at the end of the day the most intense kid is going to dominate everyone. You need to find a way to give the other kids some space.

mushkamothers

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 9:22 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

With all due respect, I wrote a disclaimer and also referenced my source, ie I didn't spout anonymous advice as if I know the answers. I simply offered a contribution making it very clear where I'm coming from so OP can disregard it if it isn't helpful.

amother

Tuberose

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 9:34 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

But why answer a thread if you don’t have any idea what OP is going through ?

amother

Sand

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 9:56 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

It’s like me answering a question to someone who asks about what to do for a broken arm when I have experience with a stomachache.
Not helpful at all.

Just sayin.

I don't think it's the same. She clearly stated that she doesn't have first hand Experience, and whatshe heard could be helpful. She also came on non- anonymously. Please don't be nasty towards her. Such a comment can be hurtful.

amother

Smokey

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 10:47 pm

I accommodate however much you reasonably can.
If you have a way to keep the other kids out of the living room (please tell me the way if you do!! Forbidden rooms are very attractive to all my kids), then great. If it’s truly not possible then it isn’t.
Perhaps you can make a corner of the living room for him ? (Even move furniture to corner off part)

What PP said- I would definitely drive on another street, skip a song on a CD, let my kid wear yellow every day, etc. to accommodate anxiety or OCD etc.

behappy2

Sat, Dec 24 2022, 11:17 pm

Nobody can answer this question better than yourself even if you feel like you don't know. You try this way, you try another way, you listen to outside ppls advice who know your son, you change a little and you just keep trying.

Every day that you get in there and try again you are a hero.