Were You Not a Smiley Child?

amother

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 9:44 pm

I read a great parenting tip that one of the most important social skills to teach our children is to smile at others.
My ten year old does not have that skill and she will not smile when meeting anyone she doesn't feel perfectly comfortable with. Not just strangers, but anyone outside of her friends circle and immediate family. She'll just stare at them. She was always like this. I've tried role playing when she was younger and now I try to talk to her about how a simple smile can brighten others' day and make you so much more likable. She just says that it's "not her type".

I am a naturally smiley person and this has never been something I struggled with.
If you were a child who was a starer rather than a smiler, can you tell me what I could be saying to help her? I accept that she doesn't have my personality and I love her unconditionally. But I don't want her to develop bad social skills and smiling at people is one of the most basic social skills out there!

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 9:50 pm

I rarely smiled as a kid and people always thought I was sad. I wasn't. I was just an observer and taking it all in. Some of my kids are like this, some are totally comfortable in social settings and have chein and/or exuberance.

I did smile more often in one to one interactions but I'm not sure if always.

I'm much more outgoing as an adult and so while I don't generally have a smile on my resting face and while I'm sometimes lost in thought and miss the opportunity to smile to others, I frequently am smiling when I encounter people so there's so a chance your daughter will change somewhat as she comes into herself.

I don't think my personality has made it harder in real life to succeed. I learned a lot by observing in my youth and that's how I picked up social nuances most likely any I can navigate socially now fine in my day to day interactions (I still get awkward in new situations or really big events).

BrisketBoss

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 9:51 pm

Meh. She's only 10. Probably when she gets older she will develop a more mature awareness of this issue and decide what to do about it.

I could be projecting, but for me, my mother continuing to work on things with me had the opposite effect from what she wanted. I had to get some distance from all of that.

amother

Tuberose

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:03 pm

please don't make her be smiley!! It'll only teach her that her real emotions don't matter, just that she presents a nice image! Much, much more important for her to know she can be authentic, then to have that fake smile.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:15 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

I don’t smile at random People and I’m 45! I think smiley people are either dumb or disingenuous. Let her be who she is!

And it's cultural as well. Can't tell you how many times I've read complaints about how fake us smiley Americans seem lol.

amother

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:24 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

I don’t smile at random People and I’m 45! I think smiley people are either dumb or disingenuous. Let her be who she is!

I'm not talking about random people, though. I'm talking about meeting a classmate that's not her best friend in a store, she'll just stare at her. Her aunts and cousins, a newish neighbor, her teachers on Purim... I mean, I don't care about the teachers but with the others, it's kind of rude or off putting.

Isn't it my job to teach her social skills? At what point does "letting a child be themselves" become lazy parenting and neglecting essential skills?

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:27 pm

Well, excuuuuse me, Buttercup, baby, I smile a lot and laugh even more, and I happen to be a member of Mensa. I don't smile at men I don't know, which would be insanely risky even if it weren't inappropriate, or at women like you, with an obvious chip on their shoulder, but I smile at people I know, people I think I know, small children, and people who look pleasant. And no I'm not being disingenuous. I'm being mekabel et rov haadam besever panim yafot as Pirkei Avot exhorts us to do. I confess to its being only rov haadam and not kol haadam because, hey, I'm human and there are people I dislike.

And sometimes I smile because I've just cracked a joke in my head, remembered something amusing, or thought about someone I love.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:27 pm

I still don’t smile randomly at strangers. It’s not really normal to fake smile at upon meeting people. Most people smile when they feel happy and meeting strangers often doesn’t invoke that feeling. I would leave it because it’s normal and pushing it might cause real issues.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

She’s what we refer to as shy. And when you push too hard it makes the situation way worse.

amother

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:32 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

This gives me a lot of chizzuk. Thank you!

BrisketBoss

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

It is our job to teach our children, but teaching doesn't always look the way people think it should. A lot of it is just modeling and exposure. Telling children the same thing again and again is not really educational. If they were ever going to get it, then they will when they're ready--even if you didn't try so hard. And it may happen sooner if you don't. Remember, they are individuals, eager to assert themselves and not be controlled by someone else's preferences.

Trying to get somebody to be a certain way, is not teaching.

amother

Buttercup

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Staring is rude. That’s different. But I don’t think. Smiles are always necessary. To me a smile is an expression of happiness -and if she’s not feeling it she shouldn’t feel compelled to do it

amother

Lilac

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:38 pm

I totally understand op’s question.

My teen sister is like that. She’s shy and socially anxious and usually has a frowny face. At a recent simcha my mil shook her hand mazel tov and she reciprocated with such an expressionless face I was cringing.

People assume she’s a snob.

Sometimes I just want to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to plaster on a smile.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 10:57 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

...But hopefully, you don't.

(People really think snob? So touchy. I would definitely go to socially awkward first. Maybe people need more education.)

amother

Lilac

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 11:03 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

...But hopefully, you don't.

(People really think snob? So touchy. I would definitely go to socially awkward first. Maybe people need more education.)

Of course I don’t.
I just feel an enormous urge to.

(She’s very pretty and tall with a great posture… her completely expressionless face make people think she’s un-interested. I could see why it would seem so.)

Eta: as a socially anxious person myself I can see that telling such a person something like that would only increase the social anxiety a few notches.

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 11:25 pm

Smile at her a lot. Otherwise, leave her alone. Maybe see if you can get her to open up to you more and share her inner world, that might make her happier in general. It takes a lot of listening, patience, and abstaining from judgment.

amother

Steel

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 11:31 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

Well, excuuuuse me, Buttercup, baby, I smile a lot and laugh even more, and I happen to be a member of Mensa.

You’re really a member of Mensa? Why?

amother

Steel

Thu, Mar 09 2023, 11:35 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

Huh? Why "why"?

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who bothered to go through the process of joining. What’s the purpose? It seems like one of those things where the sole purpose is to be able to say that you are in it.