Chizuk, advice- nerdy not popular 10yo

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:22 am

I’m at a loss. My 10yo son has only one friend. He doesn’t do any sports. He is smart in a tech kind of way. He’s always been content and has always been this way but I’m noticing he is missing out on social opportunities and he alluded to kids being unkind to him. We don’t live in Frum family area so he doesn’t socialize on shabbos or with neighbors. I feel bad for him. He dresses well but not the most expensive shoes like other kids.
Am I just venting? Not sure if there is advice.
Will it all work out when he grows up idk

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:24 am

Is he unhappy?

You think different shoes would make him less ‘nerdy’ and more popular?

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:26 am

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Is he unhappy?

You think different shoes would make him less ‘nerdy’ and more popular?

I wish! I just meant that when I was a kid I was poor and wished to have nice things and was teased because of that. He is not in such a situation so I’m at a loss

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:28 am

amother OP wrote:

I wish! I just meant that when I was a kid I was poor and wished to have nice things and was teased because of that. He is not in such a situation so I’m at a loss

But Is he happy?

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:28 am

Re: is he happy?

I’m not sure. He is happy to go to school Teachers love him he’s a good student. He has been moody and I don’t know if it’s connected. He’s bored a lot

amother

cornflower

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:33 am

You can’t change the nature of people.
Stop stressing.
He’ll be fine . He is fine.

amother

Ivory

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 8:47 am

Almost all of this is totally fine if he is happy with himself and you can help him be if you are happy with how he is and make sure he knows that.

shaqued_almond

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 9:49 am

amother OP wrote:

Re: is he happy?

I’m not sure. He is happy to go to school Teachers love him he’s a good student. He has been moody and I don’t know if it’s connected. He’s bored a lot

He's becoming a teen. Sounds completely normal. The only thing you can try is to see if he can join a club where he can meet other kids his age. Some areas have frum scout troops for example. Maybe there's other nerds like him that share his interests. Having just one good friend is better than having many shallow ones.
Also many "outsiders" grow up to do great things and become very successful later. You don't need to worry because he's different. I'd be more concerned if he were the bully.

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 2:49 pm

Any imas have a child that was like this? What did they grow up to be like?

amother

Green

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 2:57 pm

You’re describing my dh as a child. My mother in law had the same worries for years. He grew up fine, more than fine. My husband is in tech and does well. He makes his company organized on the tech side and all the cool business people respect him. He spends every spare second learning. He’s an amazing father and friend to me. He still only has one friend and a few rabbeim. Many love him but he doesn’t have a lot of real friends. The one Chavrusa he’s managed to keep is more than double his age so he has a great and stable influence. He’s a great guy and he’ll be my nerd to the end. And I’m a nerd, too!! Nothing to worry about in my opinion, I’m hoping I can find guys like this for our girls in the future.

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:04 pm

First of all, please let's banish the word nerdy. I think it is used cruelly in many of the frum communities. It's clear you love your child or you wouldn't be asking how to help him. Better not to adopt the language of the bullies. Next, having a child who is bright or interested in things that many others aren't isn't the end of the world. It's important to help build and inspire confidence in him. Many people are followers but you can also be independent, self confident, and content. It's important that he has at least one good friend and a context where he is valued and respected. Find things that he enjoys--does he like science? Cooking? Creating things on the computer? Robotics? Film making? Cars? Space? (Scouting was also a good call upthread). Try to find a group of like minded kids and see if he wants to join after school activities or day camp program focusing on these type of interests. If he finds a place where he is respected for his intelligence, the other things won't matter. It seems like you had your own childhood challenges that were tied to financial deprivation and have worked hard to provide him with the things you lacked. However, some kids need other supports. Have a frank talk with him about all the things that make him great and ask what interests he wants to pursue. You might also ask if there are any boys he would like to invite for Shabbos lunch or to play. Keep an eye out for nice Moms. They usually have nice kids. I was told by a middle school principal that kids' friend groups start to form in about 6-7th grade based on academic performance, and that was true. Finally, make home a refuge, where he always feels loved and appreciated. Yes, I have siblings and other family that fit this description and it gets better as they get older.