Parental Support in beginning of marriage

amother

Lime

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 9:05 pm

I didn't vote. We received a cc from my ILs after our wedding because at the time my husband didn't have a job yet and my wage wasn't covering our expenses. It wasn't necessarily for emergencies only and neither did we get a set amount monthly, it was for us to use as needed. We were very careful not to use it too much. Obviously as soon as my husband found a job (2-3 months after our wedding) we completely stopped using that card.

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 9:14 pm

There was a thread a few months about about this. Someone said shes married 6 ish years, her husband works and they're STILL supported by her parents. Who just bought them a house. I was honestly shocked. I didnt grow up with the mentality of being supported. Does a SIL feel comfortable taking money from his FIL? How do they feel manly by not being able to support their own wives?

amother

Broom

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 9:20 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

I’m married over 10 years and we still get money TMI

The amount has fluctuated over the years depending on our income. I’ve worked since finishing school and DH was learning for most of our marriage (a number of years in a well paying kollel). Now we both work but we’re still given something monthly to help out. We’re very grateful. And we would love to be able to help our own children, if possible.

amother

Cognac

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:11 pm

Poll is missing an informal ad hoc support option - not 100% "always on our own" but not substantial support either - more like picking up random groceries for you if you live nearby, giving you $100 Yom Tov time, sending you home with leftovers after Shabbos, etc. Not much support in the grand scheme of things but enough to make a dent and be noted and appreciated.

amother

Beige

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:13 pm

We have a daughter married one year. We set her up with furniture and clothing, but we haven’t given her much monetary support since. We’ve paid for some travel to come to us, and a few hundred dollars for other things.
We did not get supported by our parents (married 20+ years), though they helped a bit for simchas and random other little money. They slipped a few hundred dollars to us here and there.
My husband’s grandmother gave us a few thousand when we bought our house.
However, in the last few years, my in-laws who have a very very large family (BEH!!) and work very hard at simple jobs, even though they are 70+, finished paying tuitions and marrying off their kids. They have given us 10s of Thousands of dollars over the last few years. Money for home renovations, help with tuition for our kids, money for marrying off our daughter, and now we need more renovations and they offered more.
My parents have less to share, but they also help here and there. They also lent us a lot of money over the years, that they have never asked for. As we pay it, they say thank you for paying back. They also raised a lot of money for us to marry off our daughter from people in their community.
I would NEVER have anticipated that my parents or in laws would be able to help us. I daven that Hashem should help us to be able to help our kids. And that Hashem should help us that we should be able to realize to slip them a few hundred dollars from time to time.

amother

NeonBlue

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:13 pm

We got $2500/month until my husband went out to work which was about 2.5 years after we got married. My parents also paid for our furniture, about 6k, and my in laws gave us 50k for a down payment
We are beyond grateful for everything my parents and in-laws have given us, but believe it or not, compared to many of our friends, we actually received very little!

Edited to add that bH my parents will buy us things like strollers, clothing for kids, etc. My mother will also take me shopping before yontif every once in a while. My in laws will sometimes randomly give a few thousand towards our tuition

I’m happy I wrote this down, reminds me to be even more grateful than I already am!

amother

Beige

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:16 pm

amother Cognac wrote:

Yes. This can make a big difference too, and especially in making children feel loved and cared for. Even if it’s just a little bit. And kids have to realize that taking paper goods and food and toiletries from your mother’s closet also costs your parents money.

amother

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:17 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I believe you.
For Lakewood “standards”, girls side pays rent + $1,000. Not everyone but a lot.

amother

Heather

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:21 pm

Married 25 years. When I got married, my dad gave me a credit card and said keep it in your wallet should you ever need it. When it expired he gave me the new one. I have never used it-not even when I shop for them.

We didn’t get “support” but we have always been supported. Invited for YT. When my parents shlep to the butcher (not local) to go shopping they will buy for us as well and not take $. My mom will invite me to go shopping with her and my sister before YT and will gladly foot the bill, encouraging me to get 2 dresses instead of one when I can’t decide. She will call from the store and text me pictures of something she thinks I would like and will buy it for me. We get random checks to put towards tuition, and $100 for every birthday/anniversary/Chanukah. My parents owe us nothing (btw, they payed for my college which was before I got married and I have a career with a degree as did DH when we got married). They never supported us, but they have always been very generous and eager to spoil and help.

I have no intention of supporting my marriage children. They will have degrees (which I will pay for) and jobs when they get married (I do not believe in the kollel lifestyle). But I hope to always be able to gift them a dress, a brisket, some cash to help pay for camp……

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:27 pm

amother Heather wrote:

Regarding your last paragraph-just to play devil's advocate - you do not believe in kollel, but what if one of your children does? I don't think that the decision whether they start off marriage working or in kollel will be up to you.
That said, of course you do not need to support them. It is possible to live a kollel life without support. And you are incredibly generous for paying for their degrees.
I just take issue with the fact that you are so certain they won't learn in kollel. I know quite a few men who chose a kollel life even if their parents didn't want it

gr82no

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:34 pm

My parents and in laws have not supported us. My in laws paid for beds my parents paid for table and chairs. What more furniture do we need?
I’m married 3 years and we go to both sets of parents often for yom tov because they want us to come.
My fil did ask us a few times if we have money to pay the rent. Bh we did. When we got married our monthly expenses was around 2k and I made more than that.
I am happy that we don’t take from our parents because I hate taking. I also always knew that my parents wouldn’t be giving us money

amother

NeonBlue

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:36 pm

gr82no wrote:

Ooh I miss those days when our monthly expenses were around 2k!!
You just got me blissfully nostalgic
Enjoy it! Our monthly expenses now are about 12k…