Why is it this way?

amother

Maroon

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:03 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

As the hours come closer to Pesach I can't help to feel the huge divide between those who seemingly slave away for chag (me) and those who go away/to family. I'm trying to see why this path was chosen for me while others seemingly are coasting through.
Ok that's all. Needed to get it out.

I agree and feel the same.
It’s not only pesach. So many people get more help than me all year round while I slave away.
So many people have more money, nicer clothing, awesome vacations...
I try to work on not being jealous and believing that Hashem gives everyone whatever they need including the hardships they get.
When I think of it that way I feel less resentful!

amother

Oleander

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:10 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

So don't go away. No one is forcing you to go away by gunpoint- you stayed home during covid right? So tell whoever is "making you" that you don't want to go.
Meanwhile all of us who HAVE to stay home, clean. Cook. Shop. Entertain kids. Clean. Cook. Hear complaints from kids. WORK CHOL HAMOED. No trips. Clean. Cook....
Don't want to hear people complaining about you not wanting to go away. Rolling Eyes

I hear your frustration with being home and all the work that goes into it, but I think your statement is very close minded. You have no idea about the facts and dynamics at play in other peoples decisions and reasons why they go away.

My bracha to you is that you should be able to stay home or go away comfortably, whatever you choose, and not have the decision made for you either by others or based on circumstance.

amother

Begonia

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:14 pm

amother Petunia wrote:

Oh, OP, I feel you!!!!

I kept thinking to myself, why am I dissolving in a puddle of exhausted tears? Is this how we prepare to celebrate a joyful holiday? I have a lot of blessings and am so grateful for them but really struggle with the cleaning, cooking, shopping, managing children, and all of the expectations. The whole buildup is hard, and the 8 days of yom tov can be challenging, too.

My husband says if we feel this way then we must be doing something wrong. And I really believe him. But how?

What should I be doing differently? I have been doing this for 15+ years. I know the shortcuts. But still I feel so tense and wrung out.

😭

The men don't usually see the impact of all the things we have to do at the same time. Even the minimum cleaning gets combined with shopping for a whole set of food, cooking with a small time frame, getting kids new clothes that fit for warm weather or finding and organizing them, etc. Some or much of this happens for many people even when they go away- and packing for a chag like this with no or minimal laundry is a major stressor. And then when it's over, we turn back over and restock up on things and head straight into summer prep, and for some of us, helping our kids through the difficult end of the year and finals.

It's doable. But I genuinely don't think a mother of a family can do it easily.

amother

Ballota

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:14 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time staying home. I hope it gets easier for you.

amother

Petunia

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:14 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

The kids complain no matter where you are. I prefer being home because I control the food situation and that's the reason tensions run high. My mother always had the house stocked once she turned over. At my in laws it's not and it's challenging. Is pesach hard? Not if you set limits and realistic expectations.

No, this is just dumb. I set limits and realistic expectations and still struggle. Even the bare minimum prep can be a lot for a woman with a growing family.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:25 pm

Pesach is very hard for many of us ladies. Some may really enjoy the prep and everything that goes into it, and may not find it so challenging. I find the constant shopping, cooking and cleaning, turning over , using all new food products , pots and pan extremely burdensome. I find the stress of ensuring there is no chametz, the high high high cost of every thing very hard. So if someone finds their situation hard it’s just that - hard. Doesn’t mean the other way isn’t hard also.

amother

Ebony

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:53 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

You make a lot of assumptions about me. We stay home and we’re happy to, but we’re pretty poor especially around this time of year. So I understand not being able to afford stuff you really want.

amother

Blush

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:53 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

Before Pesach is so much harder when staying home. During is so much harder when going away.

As someone for whom it's 7pm and I should be working but my feet won't hold me anymore so I'm sitting wrapping pretzels in foil, I get you. But I pushed to stay home.

This is probably the most accurate response there is!

amother

NeonOrange

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 8:55 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I don’t mind staying home but I feel I huge devide between the people who enjoy spending time with their husbands and people like myself who are anxious about spending so much time with him. It’s so painful. Why me? I get along with everyone, why did this happen to me ? It hurts terribly . Such is life .

flowerpower

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 9:15 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

Having a stressful day??? Go to your room for a few and drink a good iced coffee. Relax a bit.

Me personally would prefer to stay home and slave away than go away.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 9:24 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

For those who feel no stress with Pesach prep, what are your work schedules like?

I work full time till erev pesach. No cleaning help. Dh does a lot of the cleaning and I don't stress it. Whatever he does is great I don't obsess if it's perfect. I bh have a pesach kitchen so I start cooking in advance.

amother

Chestnut

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 9:41 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

I'm home and hosting for a few meals. I don't feel like I'm slaving b"h. Maybe because I don't have a huge family? I have a few teens and a toddler.
I don't accept any chumras that make my job harder (I'm chassidish, there were many that I dropped). I've learned over the years how to be really chill with prep and it's so worth it.
I even baked chametz cookies today from frozen dough I had in my freezer.
I don't have a Pesach kitchen but I keep my milchig side and one oven chametzdig till erev yomtov.
I don't freak out over every crumb someone drops. I don't spring clean. I don't go around to all my cabinets throwing out or frantically trying to use up chametz. I close it and sell.
My toddler is sick and I'm busy with him most of the day and not sleeping well at night. I still feel extremely calm and ready.
I'm very proud of myself. I've come a long way.

Please share how you’ve learned to be chilled about prep. I’m super chilled and buy tons of ready-made food, yet still feel super stressed about what my kids are going to eat tomorrow that’s healthy/nutritious

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 9:42 pm

To respond to amother yolk
What a beautiful beautiful truly touching post! I mean it I never ever respond or comment on this site but I felt I had to acknowledge your thoughts! I need to print and write down your words and refer back to them as needed since your attitude is so upbeat I’ll ask you how do you cope with shalom Bayis challenges with children that have mental issues ? Yes on top of the financial struggles !

amother

Ebony

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 9:47 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

I make a menu of meals for the whole week before pesach. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s more important to me than my pesach menus. It’s pretty simple and sometimes repetitive but it’s a menu and it has food everyone will eat and it gives me peace of mind. Otherwise I’m scrambling for ideas all day and the kids ask to be fed all day.

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 9:57 pm

I think the divide is more between those who do what is required and nothing more and those who seem to have an obsessive cleaning ritual. I can't imagine what it would be like to have such fanatic cleaning rituals - this is not a judgment but just an observation that much of the excessive is a personal decision.

amother

Daylily

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 10:03 pm

I feel you op. For me it’s more about the resentment than the actual hard work. It’s one thing to choose to stay home. And for those who say it’s much nicer maybe that’s because you had you’re turn being hosted and now you’re starting to stay home. I never had my turn. I always made yt. My neighbors all go away to family and I can’t stand hearing them complain about the packing. They can all stay home like I do if they so choose. It also hurts to see them being busy shopping for clothes and asking about pesach makeup when all my time and money goes to slaving in the kitchen. I wish I had my turn to be hosted. Instead I’m hosting my in-laws this year and when I said I’m cooking everything in advance one woman commented oh wow you’ll be on vacation on yt. This same women is going away and not lifting a finger. It’s like I live in another universe.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Apr 04 2023, 10:08 pm

I’ll give my humble opinion as someone who has done it all which ways over 20 years of marriage:half home/half away, home for all, away for all, making pesach by myself, making pesach with extended family, destination pesach: for many women Pesach is just hard. There is NO easy when it comes to Pesach. Whether it’s slaving away in your kitchen, packing and unpacking over and over, not being in your own space, family politics, not having your usual food, having to look good for a crowd for every meal, difficult children with you for 2 weeks or a combo of the above, and issues I haven’t even mentioned. For go with the flow/it’s all good type women it’s so much easier, but for many of us it is just really difficult. And it doesn’t mean I don’t see the beauty of pesach to admit this.