Coming to terms with sharing a name

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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amother

Cerise

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:13 am

Seriously scratching my hard on this one. Who cares? We all circulate the same 50 boys and 50 girls names in our Jewish circles. Who cares if it’s the cousins that have the same name? If not them it will be their neighbors or classmates.

I completely don’t get the big deal.

amother

Darkblue

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:18 am

I named a child a name I disliked (absolutely nothing wrong with it, it is a very regular name thats universally acceptable) after DH's family. DC is almost 2, and I still dislike the name, but love them SO much...it really has no impact on my relationship with them.

Either you will get over it or you won't, but nothing will happen if you dislike the name or name sharing. You'll love your child just the same.

FWIW, a friend of mine was named after her grandmother. Her mother disliked the name and called her something else entirely (I.e. let's say she was named Faiga Baila and she's called Esther)

flowerpower

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:21 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Right? It’s something I will never understand. We all name after grandparents. Chances are your kids will share a name. Who doesn’t have a Moishy or Chaim or Esty or Chany……

amother

Cerise

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:24 am

flowerpower wrote:

Right? It’s something I will never understand. We all name after grandparents. Chances are your kids will share a name. Who doesn’t have a Moishy or Chaim or Esty or Chany……

Lol I don’t mean to be nasty to op but it really makes me wonder if this is someone’s biggest problem lol, may they be gebentscht and never know anything worse!!!

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:29 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Lol I don’t mean to be nasty to op but it really makes me wonder if this is someone’s biggest problem lol, may they be gebentscht and never know anything worse!!!

Like my father would say wow you really got third world country problems lol

amother

Mocha

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:30 am

flowerpower wrote:

Right? It’s something I will never understand. We all name after grandparents. Chances are your kids will share a name. Who doesn’t have a Moishy or Chaim or Esty or Chany……

And not only that, but it’s an honor to be Chanala #7, because that grandmother is just that special.

mushkamothers

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:32 am

My kids have identical names (first and last - and they're boys) with their cousins. And every family has the same names after their great grandparents.

amother

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:35 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Lol I don’t mean to be nasty to op but it really makes me wonder if this is someone’s biggest problem lol, may they be gebentscht and never know anything worse!!!

Thanks for making light, if you must know, me and my baby are at significant risk of death and I'll almost certainly never be able to have another baby after this, but glad to know I also can't fixate on the little things either 🤷‍♀️

flowerpower

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:39 am

amother OP wrote:

Bsha tova! Hope all goes smooth and healthy!!!!!

Please explain the thrill and joy of having a name that isn’t shared with a single cousin please! All my kids share names with relatives ( not even named after the same person- it’s just common jewish names) and I never thought into it. I named after the grandparent as an honor and that is where it stayed…no thought after that

amother

Mocha

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:41 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Lol I don’t mean to be nasty to op but it really makes me wonder if this is someone’s biggest problem lol, may they be gebentscht and never know anything worse!!!

I would be careful with that assumption. Sometimes it’s easier to complain about the little things than the really big overwhelming issues in your life.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 8:48 am

amother Mocha wrote:

I would be careful with that assumption. Sometimes it’s easier to complain about the little things than the really big overwhelming issues in your life.

It sure is . It’s just interesting to watch these threads pop up amidst threads that are so painful and difficult to read.
Op I m not looking to hurt you and I hope you have an easy pregnancy and healthy baby ( FYI I’m in a similar position, I’m sick with a life threatening condition and pregnant with what will have to be my last so I get it )
But that was not your thread. Your angst over names was something that has come up before and just really makes me wonder why it’s such a big issue when we all give the same names anyways

My bracha stands- May this be the most challenging thing in your life!

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:02 am

I think the unique name thing is coming from the secular world. Throughout the years years, jews have been using the same names. We consider it a privilege to name after righteous people, names in torah, and relatives who passed. Even when we change from yiddish to Hebrew names, we often look for names with the translation of one to name after.
Of course many people name out of a hat, but most times the name itself has a significant meaning.
I was so excited to finally have a girl to name after my grandmother even though many already did. We are all so proud to have kids that will hopefully emulate her.

amother

Rainbow

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:19 am

My cousin named her cousin the same first name as one of my niblings and a middle name that I was thinking of naming my child for a middle name (who was born the day her child was named)
I didn’t name my child… and regret it a bit.
Obviously we named the child what they were supposed to be named, but it stings that I didn’t name after that person.
Because it woulda been a middle name and 2nd cousins

amother

Peony

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:23 am

This isn’t an issue I’ve dealt with personally, but two outside perspectives that might help:

1) I live in a small OOT community that’s made up mostly of people who were born here and moved back, or their kids have moved back. There are a handful of founding families, with relatively unusual names. I think it’s super cute that if I meet a little kid at school or whatever, I can figure out which family they’re from by their first names alone.

2) from a geneological perspective, 300 years from now when your great-great-great-great-great-great-Grandchildren are trying to find information on you and your family, and all that’s left is records, sharing a name is a really good indicator of who your child belonged to. There certainly won’t be anyone around to remember that it bothered their mother, but it does connect your child to their extended family for posterity.

Even if it’s not a nickname you’d associate with the name, you may well end up calling your child by a unique nickname just because. Kids make their own place in the world.

amother

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:26 am

The crazy thing is, my kids' names aren't unique at all. Most of them have a classmate with the same name. And ya, they obviously connect to their namesake which is lovely. We do get together with family a lot, and a good chunk of dh's family is local, so maybe that's why I want that little bit of distance. I dunno. Like I said, my family does differentiate more when it comes to names. Dh's doesn't, but it just hasn't happened yet between dh's siblings that we got same names (I thought it was going to happen last year, but that sibling ended up naming after someone from the spouse's side). I think I'm emotional in general right now with my major health challenges and also being upset that this is probably going to have to be my last baby when I don't want to be done.

amother

Daffodil

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:32 am

For me this is the norm rather than the exception, but it it's not the norm for you I can understand why it bothers you. You're entitled to your feelings.

Like someone already mentioned is a unique nickname or pronunciation an option?

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:41 am

amother OP wrote:

My kids are all named after relatives and dh and I always both genuinely liked the names we used and there was never an issue of needing to convince ourselves about a name or try to come up with a more "palatable" alternative. It also so happens that none of our kids share names with cousins. On my side because my family is very flexible with names and considers any connection enough, so if family A was the first to have, say, a boy after relative Shlomo passed, they would name Shlomo, and family B might decide to then name their next boy Shalom, and it counts as naming after him also but everyone still has their "own" name. In dh's family, there are lots of cousins with the same name (dh himself is one of 5 cousins with the same name all named after the same person), but so far, it's just worked out in terms of timing/genders that of our kids named after people on his side, our kids are the only ones with those names so far.

Well, there's been a dear relative dh has been wanting to name after for quite awhile. It hasn't worked out until now because we haven't that gender since that person's passing but now we are having that gender. One of dh's siblings has had that gender and has used the name. The name is ok, fairly standard, common Jewish name, nothing "terrible" or out there, but also definitely not one I would choose, all things being equal. But ultimately, I don't have any real issues with the name, it's a perfectly good name, it suits my nibling and I'm sure it'll suit my baby too. But for some reason, the fact that the name has already been used, that my baby will be sharing it with a cousin, it's really really bothering me. I know this is a me problem. Dh has been waiting for this and it means a lot to him. And most frum families have some overlap between cousins, it's how we do things. But a part of me is screaming, I want my baby to have their own name! Can't we do just this person's middle name instead? Or a similar sounding but still different name? I know the answer is no, but this is still nagging at me. Those of you whose kids share names with cousins, help me come to terms with this!

The bolded is so cute- I never saw the word nibling being used before.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 9:54 am

It annoys me too. I waited several years to have a baby, sil has one every year, we ended up giving birth the same week and because dh had recently lost a grandparent we both used the same name. I wouldn’t mind my baby being a bit more unique. But we don’t get together with them much anyway.

flowerpower

Tue, Apr 11 2023, 10:40 am

amother Ivory wrote:

Your kid is unique. Whether they share their name with half of America or not. Names should be a connection to whom it’s names after. A name is a special thing and I am so happy to name after someone that I loved and miss.

amother

Plum

Fri, Apr 14 2023, 6:28 am

We just had this. E.g., (names changed for privacy) to name after someone named Chava. Niece is Chava Gila, ours is Shira Chava. We used it as a middle name and the first name is something we like. So still named after the person. Could you do something like that?

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