Punishment for taking stuff without permission

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Tue, May 02 2023, 8:19 am

So this is the situation. It's an ongoing situation. But today it was done deliberately in our face.
I have one child that goes to school about a half hour earlier than everybody else. That child asked me if you can have a piece of gum for snack. Gum in my house is a very major treat. I decided to be nice and I told him we can have two pieces of gum and I gave them to him. He went out to the bus. Came back in a minute later and ask me if you can take another snack. I told him sure. Bus came and he went to school. My other children came to pack their snack and asked if they can also have a piece of gum. I said sure just like him. I go to give them the pieces I told them they can have and the thing is gone. When he came back inside he took the entire container. I need to teach him it's wrong and selfish to do that when he knew good and well the other kids also were excited for their pieces.

This is not the first time it has happened. He has been to therapy.

BrisketBoss

Tue, May 02 2023, 8:53 am

So the first time, what happened? Do you think he was given the impression that it is okay to do? Probably not, right?

I would be curious why he did it. "Hasn't been punished the right way in the past" can never be a full explanation.

Chayalle

Tue, May 02 2023, 8:57 am

Somewhere he has a need that isn't met, that he's filling by taking more than his share.
Or, he's lacking in maturity/self-control and needs to work this out as he grows up.
I think it's fine to give him a message that this is not okay. And perhaps consequences (Mommy isn't going to buy gum now) but not punishment.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 02 2023, 8:58 am

You need to teach him that it's not okay. The next time there's a treat for everyone, he can't have it, because he took away everyone else's treat. Or, if he has his own money and is old enough, you can have him go to the store and buy another container of gum for everyone.

Basically, come from a perspective of him being responsibie for his actions and punish accordingly.

You can also have a talk with him about why he feels entitled to take things without permission.

Chayalle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:00 am

If he's old enough and has his own money, charging him for the extra gum is an interesting idea. However, if the $$$ is meaningless to him it will not help.
I don't really like the idea of depriving him when everyone else gets a treat, particularly if he might be emotionally missing something that is causing this behavior. It will just put him in a more negative cycle.
I don't know if you will get anywhere by trying to get reasons out of him for his behavior. But do be a listening ear to his feelings and needs.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:03 am

Chayalle wrote:

In my opinion, the thing usually missing in these types of behaviors is empathy for others and boundaries. It's not helpful for their future character to indulge a child in entitled behavior. But I hear your perspective.

Chayalle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:05 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I definitely don't think the child should be indulged for his behavior. But my own experience is that a lack of boundaries and empathy in children often has roots in them feeling deprived in some way.

amother

Lightcoral

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:09 am

1. Apologize to his siblings.
2. Purchase or arrange for rhem an alternative treat.
3. For the immediate future cannot be trusted to take his own treats, so he can only gave if you give him directly.

amother

DarkOrange

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:11 am

Chayalle wrote:

I find that it may be rooted in that from when they were younger but even after that has been resolved the behavior and lack of boundaries still exist. Habit like.

Chayalle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:12 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

For the immediate future cannot be trusted to take his own treats, so he can only gave if you give him directly.

I think this makes sense. He has lost trust and will have to be rebuild it in order to be able to take his own treats again.

amother

Linen

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:12 am

OP, is he a type that thinks very literally? How old is he? He asked for more snack, you said yes, and he went to take snack-gum. So in his mind, he did nothing wrong.
(Why do you consider gum snack for school?)

sushilover

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:16 am

I think a written apology to his siblings would be a severe enough consequence. His age and skills should determine how long the letter needs to be.

Then brainstorm together what can be done to instill empathy. Together, you may come up with great ideas. For example, tell him that you would like him to come and tell you at least one or twice a day about something he did for others or a way he put himself in someone else's shoes. Give him a hug or high five each time he shares a win with you and start to define him to both youself and to himself as your caring, selfless son.

Chayalle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:25 am

I'm not into the "written apology to sibling" thing if it shames the child. It could be counterproductive. And even though it was taking the treat from siblings, really he was stealing it from his parents.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:31 am

Is he a sugar junkie?
This type of thing happening -- can you give other examples? Is it about food? Or about taking things without permission? Or about not thinking about other people?

amother

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:37 am

So he is a very immature, almost 12-year-old. It's an ongoing issue. It's mostly when I buy snacks that he particularly likes he takes and abundance of or takes the whole thing. I've had it with chocolate bars, or snack bags that he likes and he takes like a bunch of them. I worked with a therapist in the past both me and my husband have gone and he has gone. We basically have some snacks that he can take whenever he wants and some snacks that he needs to ask permission and get permission for. For the most part, he's been pretty good lately. He knew very well that he couldn't have the whole container, but I guess he wanted a badly enough that he took it. He goes to a very small school that works with him. I had him give the gum to his secretary now so he does not have it. He can have the two pieces I gave him. I don't like to bring money into these things since the response from him always is I'll just buy another one. Or big deal that I took it. I'll just buy one for them.
He does lack self-control but has gotten much better than he was.
Also, I'm not so on top of the snacks. He leaves before everybody else and he takes plenty of snack a day. My house is not a house that they struggle with snacks and I only let them have two a day or something like that. For the most part, I'm very lenient. I do have one box that they need to ask permission for and everything else they can take a reasonable amount to school. And even the things that they need to ask permission for, 99.9% of the time I do give them.

amother

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:37 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

Is he a sugar junkie?
This type of thing happening -- can you give other examples? Is it about food? Or about taking things without permission? Or about not thinking about other people?

He actually doesn't love candy. He just likes chocolate and gum mostly.

amother

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:39 am

sushilover wrote:

I've tried this in the past.

amother

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:40 am

amother Linen wrote:

No he knew very well that he couldn't have more gum. I never give them gun for school. Honestly. My husband happens to be out of town for the past couple days and this was a major treat for the kids while he's gone.
I only buy gum when we fly otherwise. And honestly I never usually give it to them for school but they begged me and I figured once it's not a big deal.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:40 am

Sounds impulsive or compulsive

Chayalle

Tue, May 02 2023, 9:41 am

So it sounds like a self-control/immaturity type of thing.
Honestly I think with support and good parenting (which it sounds like you are doing) he will hopefully outgrow this in time.

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