How to celebrate son’s barmitzvah

amother

Mon, May 15 2023, 11:16 pm

We are beginning to plan first our son’s barmitzvah which will be in October iy’H. We are not sure what events to do.. our second boy is just a year younger and I’m in aveilus.

We will have a lot of family from out of town and will be making a Friday night. My husband would like to invite very close friends without their kids to the Friday night instead of having a motzei shabbos buffet party. We have been to such events before and whilst they have a special atmosphere they make parents eat separately from their kids on a Friday night.
We will be making a kiddish and a family lunch iy’H.

We were thinking to do a motzei shabbos milky buffet with music and dancing. I have recently lost my father and would be in aveilus so I’m allowed to go to the event but am not allowed to dance. My husband is nervous about this event as he is not a big party person and thinks it will be unstructured and awkward and the thought of it is making him stressed. I think it will be nice to have a music, dancing element, kumsits and be able to have photos and possibly show a slide show with music and will be fun in a different way to the shabbos meals. We are not quite sure who this event is for.. is it for our friends or our sons.. my husband feels another event for our friends is not necessary as we would have had the kiddish already..

I would appreciate hearing comments
Thank you

amother

Chicory

Mon, May 15 2023, 11:33 pm

OP, I'm sorry for your loss Sad

Under these circumstances, since you and Dh aren't totally loving the motsei plan, and you've already covered your friends, I'd suggest a melave malka for just the boys. Would your son be happy with this?

ETA: because of the aveilus, people should not be surprised that you do a bit less...

amother

Yarrow

Tue, May 16 2023, 12:10 am

Here is how we have structured the Bar Mitzvah weekends for both our boys:

Friday Night Dinner: Out of town Family and Friends

Shabbos Morning Kiddush: Family, Friends
from both Out of town and in-town.

Shabbos Lunch: Close In-town Friends, Out of town Friends, Friends of Bar Mitzvah boy

Melave Malka: Pizza party at home for boy's Friends and any out-of-towners staying until Sunday (VERY low key and a chance for the bar mitzvah boy to relax! Highly recommend!!)

Sunday Morning brunch (at home) For Out of towners still around before they travel, and anyone who for whatever reason couldn't attend Bar Mitzvah Shabbos. Both times we had people come just on Sunday because they couldn't make it for Shabbos. Also very low key and relaxing for everyone!!

Elfrida

Tue, May 16 2023, 12:45 am

amother Chicory wrote:

ETA: because of the aveilus, people should not be surprised that you do a bit less...

People probably won't be surprised, but she said she had another son a year younger. What she does now needs to be broadly in line with what she will do next year. A significant difference would be hard for the boys.

growingmum

Tue, May 16 2023, 4:06 am

Thank you all for your suggestions. I think it could be tiring to do the motzei shabbos straight after the shabbos and I think whatever we do should be roughly in line with what we do for our next boy.I guess for his friends I’m ideally wanting it to be a good atmosphere without being too wild!

amother

Hawthorn

Tue, May 16 2023, 4:13 am

amother Chicory wrote:

OP, I'm sorry for your loss Sad

OTOH it's important to ask a shailah. There are different opinions re the restrictions for parents.

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, May 16 2023, 4:17 am

My son's bar mitzvah is in a year iyh. He is born erev yt so it's a bit hard with timing. So far my plan is:
Erev yt morning breakfast. Low key. Family, neighbors, etc. Really want to do so there is a seudos mitzvah on his birthday.
We are pushing off shabbos by one week and doing a big tent weekend party iyh.
Friday night- anyone being put up. (90% of ppl. I am far from almost everyone)

Big Shabbos kiddush - (cakes, cookies, cholent, kugel, meat, all kind of shnitzel, grilled chicken, herring, salads, fruit, ice cream bar. Maybe carving station) this is for everyone- family, neighbors, etc

Shabbos lunch- everyone from Friday night plus anyone who walked in plus a couple close neighbors

If my son wants we will take his friends either bowling and pizza or boating and BBQ.

He is in a very very small school and not sure if boys will come or not for shabbos.

amother

Broom

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:33 am

amother OP wrote:

My husband would like to invite very close friends without their kids to the Friday night instead of having a motzei shabbos buffet party. We have been to such events before and whilst they have a special atmosphere they make parents eat separately from their kids on a Friday night.

Mazel Tov!
Just wanted to say I'd personally be very annoyed to be invited to a Friday night meal without my kids. Shabbos meals are a time for families to be together and besides, it's nearly impossible to find a babysitter Friday night. Why don't you just invite a few very close friends/family for Friday night and include their children? Or not invite anyone at all. Or maybe invite adults to come just for dessert after they're finished their own meals at home.

AlwaysGrateful

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:49 am

Why not ask your son what he wants?

Some boys really want music and dancing. Some love meat and don't like dairy, or vice versa. Some want a smaller group of friends. Some are close with their cousins and would find it hard to hang out with both cousins and friends at the same time. Some just want a TON of people.

There's no reason that both bar mitzvahs need to be the same. Talk with your son and ask him what he wants. If you can accommodate, do it, and then weave your friends/neighbors in around what he wants, if that's important to you. Next son, you'll ask him what he wants and change things accordingly.