So much guilt about daycare

amother

Tue, May 23 2023, 10:48 am

amother Begonia wrote:

Pictures say nothing other then the teacher was focused on trying to get pictures. You have to literally sit there the whole day to understand the day for the little ones.

I suppose, but considering my son is happy at dropoff and pickup, he is smiling in all the pictures, and he talks about his teachers and classmates outside of school, I’m really not too worried about his happiness there. I just wish I could see him more.

amother

Tan

Tue, May 23 2023, 10:49 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Right - I think most parents realize that that children in daycare aren't getting 100% attention of super energy filled morahs all day... nor would they at home.

No-one can be 'on' all the time, but the children are in a structured environment that is stimulating and providing them with positive experiences and exposure. At home, tbh my kids would be much more neglected. I'm trying to do housekeeping, and if I get a few minutes downtime, I'm looking for peace and quiet.
I know myself and I am a much better person when I feel fulfilled at work and I am a better mother if I am not looking after my children all day. I run out of patience quickly and I am an introvert and the mess and noise is really difficult for me to cope with.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, May 23 2023, 10:53 am

amother OP wrote:

So its sadness you are feeling, not guilt... Very valid.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, May 23 2023, 10:58 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

To be fair - one would also need to watch a mom at home alone all day with a 2 year old to see what is going on there.

Such a good point. Burn out is real when you’re home all day with a two year old. Moms need breaks and two year olds can use stimulation and energy.
My toddlers teachers are either young with no kids. Or middle aged with either kids out of the house probably or no young kids. I think that’s a pretty good dynamic. Lots of energy for the littles at school

amother

Blushpink

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:02 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Right - I think most parents realize that that children in daycare aren't getting 100% attention of super energy filled morahs all day... nor would they at home.

Idk I send to a non Jewish daycare. There’s no Shabbos or Yt for these teachers to prepare and most don’t have little kids at home to go home to after. Not saying they’re perfect.. but they def have energy. They also frequently give the teachers breaks rotate them etc during the day.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:05 am

amother Begonia wrote:

Studies show that cortisol levels rise in toddlers who are in daycare for a longer day. I would try to cut the hours so he isn’t out as long.

I believe repeated studies have found this is most pronounced only after 50 hours/week, and only starts to increase very slightly after 35 hours. Assuming the care is a good ratio, attentive to needs, and caring. If not, yes- there are issues. I looked into it plenty when I started with family who are psychologists.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:14 am

amother Blushpink wrote:

Yes - but imatherapist is still going to walk in and see times where they are frazzled and distracted.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:17 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Why does a 2 year old need to be out at 8 30 that's really early poor child

8:30 is not early! Most toddlers wake up at like 6 am. And most parents have to get to jobs by 8 am so how could they get to daycare any earlier??? Ppl commute to work. I personally need to drop off around 7-7:15. It is what it is.

amother

Sunflower

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:18 am

My DS goes out from 10-4 so we get out mornings (rest of the kids out by 8:20) and evenings (together with his sibs) but he has his company and toddler-oriented activities and I get my time to do adult stuff plus work. He's there four days a week, M-Th and by the time Sunday rolls around, after a long weekend, I'm so ready for Monday.

amother

Blushpink

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:19 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Yes - but imatherapist is still going to walk in and see times where they are frazzled and distracted.

Yup. and the same imatherapists are probably sleep training their baby/toddlers which can also stress out a kid!

gamanit

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:36 am

amother Aster wrote:

I’m a therapist for many many years.
I’ve primarily worked in multiple daycares around NYC (mostly frum, many legal, some not Jewish).
If you need to work, of course, there is no choice. Your child will feel that you’d rather be with him if you could- that feeling will be conveyed somehow.
But anyone who thinks their kid is in an environment which is better than being home with a tired stressed out mommy, no way.
Even if he seems super happy.
You’re not there all day, I’ve seen what goes on. No matter how fabulous it is, it’s just missing that underlying love (barring true dysfunction at home), and that is always somehow conveyed subconsciously to the kid.
Do what you need to do, but don’t think it’s better for your kid.

Signed, speaking up for the toddlers who can’t.

That can't be true of all playgroups. My son was begging to go back to playgroup the entire lockdown. Every day he would ask me again if today he can go back to playgroup. The first day back after lockdown he was thrilled. He had the biggest smile on his face and came home talking about how much fun he had. He still asks if he can go visit his playgroup teacher because he misses her. It really is very individual. My son's morah was extremely loving. She would hug the kids all the time. Actually I'm sure she still does with her current students. She's amazing.

amother

Butterscotch

Tue, May 23 2023, 11:43 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Why does a 2 year old need to be out at 8 30 that's really early poor child

8:30 is like mid morning for most toddlers. 8:30 is only early for stay at home moms, and we are referring to daycare for working moms. IMO if a toddler is still asleep at 8 or 8:30 then they’re going to bed too late. A toddler that age needs 11-12 hours of sleep. We have 7:30 bedtime and 7am wake up. Daycare drop off for us is 7:50am since I need to be at work at 8

amother

Aster

Tue, May 23 2023, 12:57 pm

gamanit wrote:

You’re right. There were a few (very few) Morahs that were awesome. And within their groups a few (very few) kids that seemed overall happy throughout the day.
But there were definitely some kids that did great.

amother

Aster

Tue, May 23 2023, 1:02 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Yes - but imatherapist is still going to walk in and see times where they are frazzled and distracted.

Frazzled and distracted is FINE!! What mother isn’t sometimes also? It was the overall lack of warmth throughout the day that makes me sad for the kids. Coldness is a problem IMO, and wasn’t necessarily related to the warmth you saw at drop off and pickup.
Please don’t be cynical, I was able to be eyes and ears. It’s a good thing.
Again, many moms have to! Your kids will feel that youd rather be with them even if you aren’t able to be.
(And to reference the other poster, I don’t sleep train my kids)

amother

Zinnia

Tue, May 23 2023, 1:57 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

To be fair - one would also need to watch a mom at home alone all day with a 2 year old to see what is going on there.

Eh, no one expects mom to be perfect. Or dad. But for a daycare to be good enough to somewhat cancel out the damage it does, the provider has to be really, really good. Better than mom. Because mom when she's not perfect is still mom. This is separation from mom and from the safety of home, so you need to make up for that.

A less-than-great daycare provider does a lot of harm. A less-than-great mom can still be good enough.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, May 23 2023, 1:59 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

What damage does it do?