Is this ill mannered?

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 7:34 pm

I went away for Shavuos and brought along my own dish due to dietary restrictions. DH brought it in and left it on the table for 5 min while we were unloading the car. The host then made a comment thanking me for bringing it. It is a very healthy item and I only bought a small amount, so I thought it was obvious that I wasn't bringing it to her as a gift - it's just not the type!
I tried hinting something to the tune of, "oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you would even like it - I would have brought more" and she responded, "no, it's totally fine. So nice of you to bring it etc. etc."

I couldn't say anything at that point so it was just shared with the whole family.

Afterwards, I was thinking that perhaps it wasn't nice of me to bring it to begin with. Is it rude to bring along an item just for myself?

observer

Mon, May 29 2023, 7:36 pm

It's not rude but I would say something before they see it, I would probably tell the hostess on the phone in advance "Hope you don't mind, but I will bring my own coleslaw for dietary reasons" or something like that.

Goody2shoes

Mon, May 29 2023, 7:42 pm

I'm in this situation a lot, my husband only eats spelt flour. I learnt that instead of bringing a small challah whenever we're invited out, I take a big sized along because someone will always ask for a piece. Same is with any cake or cookies I bake.

Last edited by Goody2shoes on Mon, May 29 2023, 8:00 pm; edited 1 time in total

hodeez

Mon, May 29 2023, 7:50 pm

Next time make it clear you have those dietary restrictions. If I were the host I would just assume you didn't portion correctly

amother

Amaryllis

Mon, May 29 2023, 7:56 pm

I would find it a little rude if my guest brought food for themselves without giving me the heads up. Obviously it is totally acceptable to bring food if you have dietary restrictions, but if I didn’t know that you were doing that, then I had you in mind when I cooked. So now I overcooked or bought more than I needed to and I don’t think that’s fair for me. So of course it’s fine, just warn the host!

Also side note, did you not bring a hostess gift, that maybe they were assuming this dish was your gift?

amother

NeonPink

Mon, May 29 2023, 7:58 pm

Talk to your hostess
First
Together decide if everyone wants and then bring enough for everyone
Otherwise she knows and heshbons accordingly

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:48 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

It was a side dish just for me, and she was cooking for a huge crowd, so it's not like she's really overcooking, but I do hear your point.

I did bring her a separate hostess gift. Like I said in the OP - I was surprised she even thought I brought it for her since it's so not the type.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:54 pm

I could totally see another post here “My guest brought a nice hostess gift, and she also brought a tiny portion of a side dish, I thanked her profusely of course but I just don’t know what to make of it. How should I react here?”

octopus

Mon, May 29 2023, 9:02 pm

Oh dear! This was a total misunderstanding! Your hostess was just being gracious. It probably didn't dawn on her it was just for you. I wouldn't read too much into it. What's done is done. Just try to figure out for next time how to avoid this type of misunderstanding!

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, May 29 2023, 9:07 pm

I have a child with food restrictions and always tell the host I’m bringing food for them and have a discussion about the food. I don’t bring enough for anyone else and I don’t think anyone is bothered by that. It’s hard enough for me to cook special for dc I can’t provide the same for everyone else.

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 10:27 pm

amother Junglegreen wrote:

SG18

Tue, May 30 2023, 4:36 am

Whenever I bring a side dish that caters to our dietary needs, I always bring enough for everyone to have some. I try to let the host know, but even if I forget, I still make sure everyone can partake, if they want to.