She is just plain obnoxious!

amother

Tue, Jun 06 2023, 8:53 pm

My 16 year old is an amazing, helpful, take charge type. A model student, popular, to the world she is a tzadekes with amazing middos who is always doing chesed and getting high marks. But at the same time, she is just plain obnoxious! She cannot take direction from me. She always has a snide comment or comeback. She can have a very irresponsible side to her and make really bad mistakes at times that have consequences for others, but whenever I try to talk to her about any mistake or bad behavior, she completely puts the entire thing on me, for example "I knew you were going to say something like that, so typical" or twist back my words at me that I don't know how to be nice. She can really have an evil tongue, in a very sophisticated way. She will deliberately go over and be sweet to her siblings while I'm disciplining them, interrupt me, and so on. Basically try to undermine my authority in the most sophisticated, calm, collected way possible. Then sometimes she will apologize coolly and formally to me later, in the same aloof tone of voice, as if she is going through the motions for kibud aim but really hates my guts. And I'm thinking, we both know you are going to act the same exact way the next time you disagree with me on any minor thing.

I used to love this kid. We had a great relationship. She is so smart and sensitive. But lately I honestly feel like I don't know how to deal with her. I don't know where our relationship went.

She helps a lot in the house, mostly on her own initiative. She has definite ideas about the way things should be run and steps in to manage. Maybe she is resentful that she helps, who knows? At the same time I don't think it's overly much for her age. And I have told her that these things are not officially her job. If she doesn't do them, it's okay, the house will be a little messier. I'm not a superwoman. But that's not up to her standards.

amother

Beige

Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

this sounds a little similar to what I deal with. one thing that I find helps is I try and find something we both enjoy and carve out some time to do it. like once in awhile I will go out to eat just me and her, or go shopping in a store one night that we both enjoy. I find it helps our relationship through the more stormy times that we have this pleasant time in the backround...she NEVER says no when I suggest we do it, and I make sure I'm not in an angry state when I offer it. good luck!

amother

Tue, Jun 06 2023, 11:17 pm

amother Beige wrote:

It seems like lately things are always tense between us so I don't know how this would work in a not angry state. She literally cannot hold her tongue for more than half a day. She seems to think she's this poor beautiful all knowing butterfly that got stuck with an idiotic ugly toad for a mother, and she's doing me a favor by being my daughter.

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:17 pm

Latest run in: she's going through her little sister's drawer. She pulls out a brand new dress I just got after hearing complaints that "little sister has no clothing". She asks me with disgust "What is this?"

I tell her that I bought it because she said little sis has no clothing.

"No, she has clothing. She just has no cute clothing." Mind you we live on a very tight budget and ironically enough this dd is always preaching about living a spiritual lifestyle.

I tell her that it looked cute enough when little sis tried it on, and if she wants the latest styles she can go shopping herself at a fancy store, but I have better things to do with my limited funds.

Another child interrupts at this point to ask a question and this dd promptly says "don't talk to Mommy now, she's in a bad mood."

I respond calmly that no, I'm not in a bad mood at all, I'm simply setting straight some confused priorities and wondering why someone who tells me all the time that it's more important to be a mother than to invest effort into a career thinks it's so important to keep up with the Joneses, which is expensive.

I have to say all this to her retreating back because she is cutting me off with more snide comments and walking away. Finally with a smirk she points in my face and accuses me of "gaslighting" her and at that point I give up and leave the room.

Help Help

amother

Mimosa

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm sorry. You have created a power struggle with her. I bolded the unnecessary comments you made.

You don't owe her any explanations or any excuses. And you don't have to get defensive with what she says. She is a teenager and this is her job. The more she feels like you excuse yourself and want to please/appease her, she will try to flick you.

You say. Oh, Go got her a dress. No reasoning for why you did so.
When she is in this mood, YOU CANNOT TEACH HER A LESSON. you can teach her a lesson when you are out eating pizza together only the two of you. Then you can mention something.

All your comments should be cool and emotionally uninvested.
Coupled up with some compliments on her PERSONALITY and things she is GOOD AT.

DVOM

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:40 pm

Hon, stop engaging.

Did I read correctly that you bought your younger daughter a new dress because your older daughter complained that she doesn't have any clothes? That's where I'd start. Your older daughter doesn't get to dictate what clothing other family members need. That's your department. Boundaries!

If she complains that her sister's clothing isn't cute, I'd shrug and say 'I like it, I think it's cute.' The end. Stop getting into these silly fights with her.

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:40 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

What would you respond to her comments about the dress not being cute, me being in a bad mood, etc?

amother

Denim

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:41 pm

Sorry, teenagers are hard.
I am no expert, but it seems like you got into a dynamic that she feels that she can tell you what to do, undermine you, and push limits. It seems like you feel the need to answer to her, listen to her, or explain why you do things.

Teenagers always think they know best and that we mothers are just old fashioned and don't know anything. I think teenagers are just very dramatic and are trying to find themselves and get attention, but at the same time looking for our approval and love.

I find it easier not to open the conversation to include my teenagers opinions, because usually their opinion will be in opposition to my own, just because. So I find it easier to keep reasons of why I do things to myself, because my teens are good at finding a reason why my reason was a bad one. I also try to validate their feelings even if I think their feelings are ridiculous.

Specifically in your response to buying your other child an outfit- you made it a thing about her by saying "you said little sis has no clothes". Own your decisions - you could have said something like "little sis needed clothing and I know that you don't think it is cute but I like it"

I would also not bring finances into it.

giftedmom

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Um
Why?
Why are you giving her so much power? She’s trying to let off steam and you’re taking everything she says seriously as if she’s your manager or something. Grow a backbone and take back your position in your household. She wants a mommy not a lackey. So do your other kids. Be their mother. Stop worrying about their approval.

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:42 pm

DVOM wrote:

My older kids help out with the younger ones' wardrobes, so boundaries get blurred. They love picking out clothing for their little dolls which is a job I'm happy to give over to them. They don't seem to understand though that ultimately I'm the one making the purchases and the decisions.

DVOM

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

There's something bothering me about a teenager exerting so much power over their younger sibling. Maybe it's the objectification? It's can't be good for a kid to be treated like a dress up doll.

Redraw the boundaries. I don't think dressing your younger kids is healthy for your daughter. Unless you guys have a serious conversation about who's really in charge here.

giftedmom

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

They don’t have to understand.
In my house there’s a rule that whoever dresses the baby and/or takes her out gets to pick her clothes. That’s it. No one gets to tell me what to buy unless I specifically ask them to shop which I sometimes do. No explanations or justifications needed.

amother

Mimosa

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 2:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

What would you respond to her comments about the dress not being cute, me being in a bad mood, etc?

I would ignore or smile at her.
Give her a little, tiny glare to about the mood, but all over ignore. Show her that she can't shake you. She is not the boss over your emotions or over the other kids.

But please build up a positive relationship with her.
Not as a bribe, but for both of you. It's hard enough to be a teenager without being at war with your mother.

imaima

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 3:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is pathetic

Why don’t you know yourself if you dd has no clothing? Why are you taking a cue from your child. You are talking with her as if she were your mother or at least equal.

Instead of suporting her attitude by letting her know that you had obeyed her (!!!) and bought the new dress, you should have told her that you know better how to dress your kids. When the teenage dd is a mom, she will choose her own kids clothing on her own budget.

You are totally giving her authority so she cannot accept yours.

amother

Bluebell

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 3:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sorry but this made me laugh! Thanks for making me feel better about my 16 year old daughter who seems to despise everything I do, the way I look, and what I say.