She is just plain obnoxious!

shevi82

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:17 am

You need to remember you are the mom.
So with camp, I would respond: "that is so sweet of you to worry and I will defiantly miss you a lot"
that's it.
She is not your age or stage, don't forget that.
Just respond what you answer to a child, give her a feeling that she is loved and her opinion is valued, but your house, your decisions.
Teens are just little kids who look like adults but are not yet, they need to know they have strong parents.

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 8:46 am

I don’t know why it’s not ok to say (perhaps when it’s just the two of you) I don’t appreciate you speaking that way, and I want it to stop. And your husband should back you up whenever she does it.
Why do kids have to be coddled in this way?

amother

Maize

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:06 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

And then what happens when she does it again?

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:49 am

amother Maize wrote:

And then what happens when she does it again?

Take something away. Or threaten to take something away the next time and stick to it.
Or repeat in a firm voice and then disengage from further discussion. It’s like a teacher controlling a class. How do some teachers manage, while others have kids misbehaving and talking all the time? It’s how much they respect you, and how much they think they can get away with.

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:54 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

Do you have teens this age who struggle with chutzpa?
I do. So that's what I'm saying.
You think taking away their camera? Their allowance? What else? will force them to respect you as a mother?

It definitely will not. It just starts a power struggle that you can never win because there's always something more they can do.

They: chutzpa
You: you're grounded for a day.
They: walks out the door

What are you going to do? You physically can't force them to stay in the house. So what's your play and is it encouraging a relationship?

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:04 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

OMG NO

ETA beyond the discussion of the type of teacher that may have a silent but seething classroom....a home is NOT school. And it should never resemble one.

I do agree not to engage in discussions that lead to power struggles.

amother

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:06 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

Yeah, I did a double take at this post. Don't think that's gonna work. She already tells me sometimes that I have no right to tell her where and when she can come and go, because she's an "adult" who just happens to live in my house.

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:24 am

OP it's tough. Hang in there. In a few years I think your daughter will be in shiduchim and it seems she has lots of good qualities and middot. I see a total balabosta and a very capable young woman that will go far in life Smile

amother

Cornsilk

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:41 am

Adolescents need a gentle but firm reminder every once in a while that although they are so close to adulthood, they need to wait a bit longer and until then continue to remember that BH they have parents and parents make the final decision on everything. One day they will be a parent and it will be their turn.
The end.

We recently taught one of our teens that young children can be picked up and put where they belong and that's appropriate for toddlerhood. Past that, children listen to their parents irrelevant of whether or not they can be physically forced, but because there is respect for the relationship and generally children do not want to disappoint their parents.

amother

Mulberry

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:47 am

amother OP wrote:

No, she didn't want to know an answer. She thinks she's the only one who can run the household. It's not the first time she's saying something like this and I've already told her previously that I can manage fine and she's going. You seriously think she's having a conversation with her friends that her mother can't manage so she doesn't think she should go to camp?

Maybe she is actually concerned that you cannot manage without her. Do you rely on her a lot to help run the house? We've already gotten hints that you do.

observer

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:19 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

Omg... Please please tell me that you don't have teenagers, amother winterberry.
This is NOT how to deal with teenagers and will just backfire. You don't raise teens the same way you raise younger kids.

amother

Tomato

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 11:37 am

amother Mulberry wrote:

Maybe she is actually concerned that you cannot manage without her. Do you rely on her a lot to help run the house? We've already gotten hints that you do.

It doesn't matter if she is actually concerned or not. Her mother must teach her boundaries.

amother

Celeste

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:55 pm

imaima wrote:

She wanted to know the answer!!! She probably has these conversations with friends who goes where. Do you realize it?

Stop acting as a victim. This is a simple information she wanted to hear from
you

No, she doesn’t want to know the answer.
She wants full agreement from mom, and if doesn’t get that she will keep going.
And if it’s not this-
it’ll be something else, like she needs to go on a better vacation/ get more paraphernalia for camp/ something!
I wish I had a good answer myself.

amother

Sunflower

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:20 pm

As I am far from a parenting expert, take this with a grain of salt.

But sometimes, I find that acting silly works. Like if my daughter said How will I manage without her, I think it would actually make me laugh out loud. I think I'd probably pull a face and moan very loudly and dramatically, and be like OH GOD we won't!! Heaven help us! What have I done? I already paid up for camp and now you'll have to go, and we'll be LOST FOREVER IN A SWAMP OF DIRTY LAUNDRY...

I think she'd probably roll her eyes and scoot as far away from me as possible. At a different time, probably on her way to the shower at night, I'd probably say hey, don't worry about it. We'll all be great. I appreciate everything you do, but I want you to be a kid and have a fun summer. Its just a month and I'm already waiting for visiting day.

Maybe some people will think that its being rude or dismissive. I don't know... but I wouldn't always take everything my kids say too seriously. I mean, honestly. That comment is so young and dumb. She so obviously has no idea about the water bill, the mortgage, and she thinks she is so pivotal to it all. Its so ridiculous to even entertain it seriously. So I'd just laugh it off.

amother

Mulberry

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:22 pm

amother Tomato wrote:

It doesn't matter if she is actually concerned or not. Her mother must teach her boundaries.

It could be OP is already blurring boundaries by asking too much of this dd in raising younger children and running the house.

amother

Orange

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

It seems like lately things are always tense between us so I don't know how this would work in a not angry state. She literally cannot hold her tongue for more than half a day. She seems to think she's this poor beautiful all knowing butterfly that got stuck with an idiotic ugly toad for a mother, and she's doing me a favor by being my daughter.

Unfortunately or fortunately sounds like the average teenager, they do know everything after all

#BestBubby

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 3:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

If she lives in YOUR house she is not an adult.

When she supports herself on her own house she is an adult.

Until then she has to follow your rules.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 3:15 pm

I don't understand.

Chutzpah to a parent is violating one of the Aseres HaDibtos.

It's as bad as mechalel shobbos, maybe worse.

WHT aren't the schools teaching the seriousness of chutzpah towards parents???

I know this was stressed a lot when I was in school.