Finals - Chizzuk needed, I am beyond frustrated

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 6:57 pm

I have a sweet natured regular 16 yr old daughter. We normally get along great.
I am so angry now I can't calm myself down.
She thinks that I am an Uber driver/take out store delivery lady,and ATM machine so that her royal highness can study for finals LIKE ALL HER OTHER FRIENDS.

I gave her a certain amt of extra allowance money for extra food treats during the final weeks as a gift just like I did by midterms, she has plenty of her own money as well.

Do all the other mothers really drive them from friend to friend, to take out stores, to pools etc? They are having so much fun, they are barely studying.

I currently just had a major blowup with her when she made a snooty comment about having to use her own money since I didnt give her enough. I am feeling guilty abt the blowup but in general I feel like her friends also are feeling entitled to have their poor mothers at their beck and call while they run around town spending money having fun.

Am I the only one that feels this way?
And does anyone have some advice how I can amend this - still have another week to go...

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 7:00 pm

Yes to everything. The spending, the running around having fun, the hardly studying.
Something must change with final and midterm season. Let the girls stay a full day in school and use some time to study there plus some sports! It’s really insane and hefker!

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 7:25 pm

Schools need to make the girls "own" the process- and then they buy in (within reason) to the final "era".
Our students ( I am in chinuch) help plan the schedule so that they have a say which finals are paired together; we give workshops on study tips and study "schedules" with extra credit for following it .Of course there is a certain amt of studying together etc but overall- this enables them to take it more seriously-

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 7:26 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

No, I do not do any of that. My kids know that if they want treats they pay for it. Why do finals entitle kids to be treated to every luxury and chauffeured around town? Is this a new thing?

No idea if its a new thing. she's my oldest. def wasn't like this in my days....
she's not generally spoiled type and understands that extra's she pays for herself. for some reason this all goes out the window when she watches what goes on with her friends final season.

keym

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 7:30 pm

I shuttle her to and from friends to study, as much as I can.
I give her an extra amount of money in advance to cover some of the pizza, iced coffees, sushi and slurpees.
I stock up my pantry with her favorite chips, cookies, and candy to munch on.

Thats what I'm willing to do, what I think is appropriate and healthy for her in her situation. Obviously things would be different if there was reliable public transportation.

If she wants more, she covers it.

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 7:49 pm

keym wrote:

so you are EXACTLY the kind of friend's mother my daughter is talking about. I am asking honestly since maybe I've just got it wrong and I need to understand today's times are different. Do you work during the morning and have little children at home that you will have to shlep along for all the chaufferring? Are there lots of mothers like this?

groisamomma

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 7:56 pm

Lol this was me before my older dd started driving. Now I leave her the car and she does the chauffeuring all day for herself and my other dds. If she's studying and can't drive them they take a Lakeway and pay for it themselves. Eating out they definitely pay for themselves. I'm not a bank or an ATM machine, sorry.

keym

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 8:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I work. I have kids.
I try to be prudent.
After today's final, they went home on the bus to a friend. When they're done, she calls me and I or my husband pick her up.
We have rules. She tells me in advance who and where she's studying so I can write it down. Anything last minute, she plays for a Lakeway.

I think it's very important for their social life and development. Maybe I'm sensitive because my mother didn't hold of group studying and I felt left out.

amother

Birch

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 8:36 pm

I don’t think anyone can understand the situation unless you have a Lakewood high school girl.
It’s insanity.
But to be honest I didn’t have this with my first. She wasn’t invited to join. And it made me sad.
Now the next one is hectic, hectic, hectic.
They run from cafe to cafe, eating, pretending to study, meeting up with friends from diff schools, seeing who’s who…. And then come home to panic and start studying. Then we won’t talk about the emergency sleepovers.
I had a blowout too last night. It wasn’t pretty. She was upset I gave her $30 for the week when all her other friends have credit cards.
This is not healthy at all but at this point seems to be a run away train along with other Lakewood High School issues (should we discuss brand names??)
All I can do is sympathize. This is a high pressure town. Not sure where it ends. Ultimately, these are good kids. For now I’m looking away.

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 8:51 pm

I want to have a conversation with my daughter (once I calm down). Now that she blew all the $ I gave her in a few days and is upset to have to spend her own. Is it better chinuch to stick to my guns and tell her to spend her own money as was arranged (she always pays her own for extras all yr round bday presents for friends etc) or should I say I talked it over with other mothers and I am giving her some more money. I will do 2 more transports or something like that. and the rest she has to lakeway or figure out.?

is that giving in to her tantrum, or is that me changing my mind and deciding she has a valid point.

I don't know what to do!

amother

Celeste

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 8:55 pm

It's interesting to hear from the other side because truth is, I wish I was you. I hear your frustration and angst. But here it is from my life.

My daughter has no friends to hang out with after school. She's friendly to everyone in school but has no group. She is studying with me, my dh, and her brother who is being so kind to her.

I wish I was you. It is so painful. I think I would drive the world over and rob a bank if she could do what your child is doing. My heart has hurt all week. My eating has been so disordered because I have lost control in dealing with this emotional pain.

Maybe this gives you another perspective.

amother

Oleander

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:03 pm

amother Celeste wrote:

I know the feeling.
It is so beyond painful.
I wish you lots of nachas from your daughter.

amother

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:15 pm

amother Celeste wrote:

thank you for reminding me to be thankful for this. wishing all the best for you and your daughter and I sincerely hope things get better for her!

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:27 pm

This is an issue that appears to be much deeper than finals. Did you raise her to think money grows on trees and that she's entitled to it? If those messages have been inadvertently given to her as she grew up, they're not just gonna stop one day.

amother

Jean

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:33 pm

My daughters hs has a rule that they are not allowed to eat out with friends or study in eateries during finals.
Although I gave her money in case she wants to buy something when she’s walking home with a friend to study, she hasn’t spent any of it!
She is a very studious type and and struggles a bit with academics so the past week has been exceptionally stressful and difficult for her. The amount of work they are being tested on is insane. Sometimes she asks me to test her after she studied for hours and I honestly would never be able to pass some of the tests at this point. I feel like I will have a nervous breakdown when I watch my daughter waking up early to go to school and take 2 finals, come home or go to a friends house only to study for the rest of the day. There is no partying. She has been studying since 12pm and is still busy with her notes. I wish she could be partying!!! I bought her an iced coffee yesterday.., some chocolate today but fyi not everyone is partying. Many girls are studying heavily because there is the strong fear of failing.
Be happy that your daughter can have a great time, a break from sitting in school all day and still do well on her finals.
I’m not sure how much your daughter is asking to spend or how far she wants you to drive but what would you want her to do instead?

amother

Foxglove

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:38 pm

I'm a young mother of a teen that's having finals now. I do treat her here n there with a couple of dollars but what you're sharing definitely sounds like valid frustrations.

Do you have boundaries in place in general? What happens when you say you cant?

Also iWould it work to make deal with her like "I can drive you to school now but I'm Gonna need you to peel potatoes and fry shnizel for me later please"

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:40 pm

keym wrote:

I do the same. I give her a certain amount of cash as a treat (20 to 30), after that it's on her. But I stock up on snacks and drive as much as I can. It's a short period of time in their lives and important.

Also, it's not their fault they can't get a license and have no reliable public transportation. I set them up in this system I need to help out.
When I was in high school everyone has a license so there was always a friend to drive. Not their faul5.

I also see her trying not to be too overburdensome. But she does need, yes it's a need, to study with friends.

I work 40 hrs a week and still have babies, so of course I say no too,, but I want this to work for her.

amother

Celeste

Tue, Jun 13 2023, 9:43 pm

My dh and son just left for maariv. My daughter is sad sad sad. She said it's just so hard to hear everyone talking in school about all their fun. I said I'm sorry it's hurtful to be left out. She said no it's not even that. I just feel like a loser. I think I am a loser. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry op. I know I'm not supposed to hijack your thread. I don't even know anything anymore... crazy how we can feel such different things from the same time...

Anyway sorry again. Thanks for listening and letting me get this off my chest.