S/o obnoxious teen

amother

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:23 pm

My oldest is 12, so no teens yet, but almost there.

I saw some good advice on the other thread, like ignore, don't take it personally, etc. However someone advised that perhaps sometimes something should be taken away and replies are making out that that's some horrible thing that will irreparably damage the relationship. But honestly, what are you supposed to do if your teen does something that genuinely requires a reaction? These aren't little kids that you can physically remove from the situation or take their toys. But teens do have phones and special privileges and such, so you have leverage available. Is it really so awful to use such measures? And if so, what DO you do when something needs to be seriously addressed?

giftedmom

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:33 pm

You’re supposed to build a good enough relationship with your kids so by the time they’re teens the relationship itself is enough to make them want to be on the same side as you. And yes there can be natural and even logical consequences if a teen slips up. But if at that point there is no relationship and they go into an all-out power struggle, you have very little leverage. BTDT.

taketwo

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:34 pm

Have a discussion. Work out a solution as a partnership. And of course where appropriate, natural consequences.

Taking away a child phone because of chutzpah is not a natural consequence. It's a power dynamic. It looks almost ego driven. Like because you disrespect me I'll show you who's in charge. A teen will see this.

It's different when the consequences are connected. For example, let's say a teen skips school one day. You can remove something from vacation because "you chose to make your own vacation so now you won't be able to get a slush when we go on vacation." Not a huge thing. A little message. You're not trying to hurt them, you're just trying to say our actions have cconsequences. Sorry I don't have a better example from the top of my head.

I also think teenagers will see what your motivation is. If your motivation is your respect/power they will sniff it out and hate you for it versus if your motivations are what's good for them and their chinuch they may not like it, but it won't effect your overall relationship.

keym

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 12:43 pm

Before I give any consequence, l like to play "And Then What" iny head.
A parenting coach told me to that parenting is like chess. Don't make a move without anticipating the potential moves back.

So say the teenager does something and you determine that you should take away their phone. What next? What's the likelihood that the kid will fold up "you're right mom, I was wrong, I won't do it again" and what's the likelihood that he will respond back.
Parenting in the 00s recommended this, but they didn't think it through.

Teen: damages siblings property
Parent: confiscate phone
Teen: take parents phone
Parent: ground child
Teen: leave anyways
Parent: lock front door
And because of escalation the child is in an unsafe situation and doesn't feel like he can call his parents when he's in trouble.

That didn't teach the lesson that you wanted him to learn.

amother

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:42 pm

Even if you have a great relationship, kids are kids, they sometimes make poor choices. And some things require a response that communicates, this is serious, it cannot happen again. So what then? OK, in the example of causing property damage, you explained why taking away a phone could end up escalating in a bad way, but ifnthats nit the answer then what is? To just ignore? To say hey, that was not ok? At some point, there has to be a serious consequence for a serious action. I mean, I could just as easily write out the scenario, Teen damages property, I didn't do much because I didn't want a power struggle. Teen keeps damaging property and is now in jail 🤷‍♀️

amother

Ginger

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 1:51 pm

I'm a parent whose daughter did something a little on the drastic side several months ago. Drastic enough that she got sent home from camp because of it.
I picked her up from her ride with a take-out food she loves (told her I'm the way to the grocery, and I figured she'd be hungry). She ate quietly, we finished my shopping errands, we went home. She went to sleep and slept for 10 solid hours (she was exhausted).
And after that, we had a serious discussion about what she did, what lead her to do that, and how she can rectify what she did.
She was calm and receptive, she owned and apologized for her actions. We ended up having a discussion with camp, and she was allowed to return. She finished the summer, but has opted to switch to a different camp this year.
She has had a successful school year BH, with no drama. She did something stupid, she made amends, and she moved on.

I'm so glad we didn't have endless recriminations, power struggles, etc....and our relationship stayed intact. Most important of all.

giftedmom

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 2:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s all about perspective and if you’re coming at it from the perspective of a power struggle then it’s hard to imagine a loving respectful relationship where you can actually sit down and talk it out with your teen. But it exists, and the younger you start the more effective it will be. Consequences will only take you so far. That’s a fact. If a teen is determined to keep damaging property then yes, they will eventually land in jail. But it won’t be because you should have physically stopped them.

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 2:05 pm

If they were bullying another kid with phone, I'd guess there is a history behind the action, and taking phone away is not likely to help either side. They will find something else to use for the bullying if the root cause isn't addressed.

Treating our children with respect from a young age usually (not including extreme behavioral and mental health diagnoses here) breeds respectful teens, young adults, etc...

amother

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 2:16 pm

I mean, it could be both. A teen using their phone to bully can have their phone taken away because you need to take away that tool in the immediate short term, but you also can't wash your hands of it at that point because if your child is bullying someone, that obviously requires some real digging into what is going on with them, possible professional help etc. But you can still take the phone away as that initial stop gap, I don't understand why that would be the wrong thing to do.

I also still don't understand simply relying on a strong relationship. That's obviously important and should always be the foundation, but I don't think you can just talk your way out of everything. Some things require a serious response! I do think it has to be something that truly harms themselves, others, or someone else's property to warrant more than a discussion, but those scenarios do exist, and they do happen (occasionally) even when child and parent have a strong relationship.

amother

NeonPink

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 2:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

In the case of property damage, the teen should pay for the damage. That's a logical result of his/her actions.

Smaller things should receive verbal feedback.

giftedmom

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 2:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Those scenarios A. Usually mean the child has something underlying going on and B. Usually has natural consequences.
Those aren’t normal parenting scenarios. Any parent who is dealing with something that serious should have professional guidance and have their child treated.

SesameSeeds

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 3:03 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

I truly admire your strength.
I think this is the way to go.