Father of bride not invited to her sheva brochos

Highstrung

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

No need for you to be sorry. I assume you have been in the same boat as them and have an understanding of extra vulnerability due to a sensitive and adverse background and why they just want to look as normal as possible, like an intact family.

For this young couple that's what's important, for others it's the fanciness of the sb, or the gourmet food and theme.
Each to their own.

You’re a very understanding mother. What I find interesting is that you yourself the ex wife seems to be ok with having him there , for your daughter’s sake. So if it’s ok with you , why would your parents make such a big deal? It really seems to be their personal issue and they are only thinking of themselves. If they we’re trying to protect you that’s one thing. But you don’t feel the need for the protection. So why not invite and act civil . He may not even bother showing up , if he’s a father like mine who was MIA for the most part .

amother

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:22 pm

Highstrung wrote:

Thank you, I try my best to be understanding.
I have no problem with him being there bec we are amicable and we have the dcs best interest at heart, regardless of how I feel.
But my parents have more the pain, grieving etc. Which I have moved on from b"h.

PinkFridge

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do you have someone you can ask this of IRL? If it's not Shabbos, I just don't know how far you should push this.

Your daughter is getting a great model of sholom from you - kol hakavod - but rather than look disparagingly at her grandparents, the takeaway she be compassion and graciousness. It would be great if it worked out but it just might not be possible.

amother

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:57 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

It is,shabbos 😔

WhatFor

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 9:36 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

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It does make the kids selfish. Just because it is your wedding or sheva brachos, doesnt mean the world turns on everything you say.

Wanting a parent at your sheva brachot is not spoiled, entitled, or thinking the world turns on everything you say. It's her relationship with her father, not a floral arrangement.

Op, I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this. I don't know what your options are other than to tell your parents it's important to dd, and ask if they think they can take the high road and put their grievances aside for a few hours one night to make the kallah happy. Maybe acknowledge that you appreciate how protective they are for you that it's so hard for them to forgive him for what he did, and this doesn't need to be a statement of acceptance or anything bigger than an invite to come for a few hours to celebrate dd's wedding. Do you think one parent is more amenable to this than the other? Do you think you'd get through to them more easily if you spoke to them separately?

essie14

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 10:42 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Good for you if you have never been in a non-honkey dory situation.
My dd's father in law was not at my dd's bedeken because then he would have had to be within a few feet of his ex (whom I believe He wronged). So she got a bracha only from my dh. My dd has no grandfathers so there was one male to give her a bracha.
To accommodate my machatunim, my husband walked down with my son in law instead of his dd (which ofc he wanted to do) so that the divorced couple wouldnt be forced to walk down together.
That's called UNDERSTANDING!
Just because it is dd's sheva brachos doesnt mean she gets to act like a 5 year old who doesnt understand that even at her sheva brachos, the entire world doesn't revolve around her.

Your DD's in laws are the ones being immature. Your husband couldn't walk his own daughter down the aisle? That's horrible and I'd never go along with grown adults acting like huge babies and hurting many other people in their wake.
Your son in law's parents should have said , "we made this child and we will get along for 6 hours for his sake and the sake of his happiness on his wedding day"
To not be at the bedeken of his own son??? That's insane.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 5:43 am

amother OP wrote:

Since I really dont know the circumstances so forgive me if I am out of line.

Is there anyway you can help your parents with the pain and grieving?

There will be hopefully many more smachot and it might help them achieve personal closure, emotional healing and the ability to move on from the pain and grieving.

This might be a great opportunity.

Can you invite your parents and ex husband to sit alone, with your ex husband apologizing for whatever happened in the past?

amother

Gray

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 6:09 am

amother OP wrote:

It is,shabbos 😔

Oh, that makes a big difference!

It's not something they're going to have 7 times - it's a one time thing.
Now I understand your daughter much better.

Obviously this is not applicable because your daughter wants to be "normal," but what we did was: my husband and I flew to his hometown, where we had Shabbos sheva brachos with my in-laws and their friends/family. None of my parents were there.
I had one sheva brachos with my mother's side, one with my father's side (before we flew), and I was very happy with that.

For anyone else in a similar situation, this might be something to consider. Sure, exes and their families can get along for one Shabbos for the sake of the chosson/kallah, but if the chosson/kallah is ok with a different setup, there's no reason for them to go through that.

Another idea (again, maybe not "normal" enough for OP's daughter) is to split the Shabbos. One meal with the mother's family and one meal with the father's family.

amother

Hydrangea

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 9:41 am

I’m divorced from someone who DID cheat on me (although my children don’t know and it’s irrelevant regardless).

I’ve married off a few bH and we’ve actually done different things each time. The ones who have a good relationship with him (which I’m grateful for) and wanted him present and participating at everything, we honored those wishes. We honored the wishes of those that did not as well. They do not all have the same relationship with him but ultimately a) I’m actually HAPPY for the ones that do have a good relationship with him and b) their wedding and sheva brachos is not about me (or whoever is making sheva brachos) it’s about the child getting married and whatever went on between me and exDH (or ex dh and my family) is not their problem!

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 9:49 am

amother Celeste wrote:

You're missing the point.

I'm very sorry but if two adults in their 40s or 50s can't be civil to each other for a single night, can't take a photo with their daughter and new son-in-law one night, can't just love their daughter more than they hate each other for a single night - then they are incredibly selfish, egocentric, incredibly immature, and should never have become parents.

The one rule for all is that the child is in the center. You don't fight with your ex/ ignore your ex/ etc. at your child/ren's expense. Ever. Period.

Bingo. Yet as a child and spouse who are from divorced homes and numerous others I’m acquainted with, this goes on ALL THE TIME.
The parents delude themselves that they are out for the kids well-being. They claim the divorce was the x’s fault so why accommodate them. etc.

There is a constant focus on themselves and how things reflect on them rather on what’s best for the children, especially once the spouse remarries. They will tell you from today until tomorrow they are focused on the kids. They are deluding themselves.

Do you think they mature when they hit their 50’s and 60’s? Dream on. My parents and in-laws are both touching 70 and it’s the same ridiculous dynamic. Who got invited over for shabbos. Who was menachem avel first. Who the kids spent more time with. How can he be invited to x life event when I was the one who was there for you all these years. And to outsiders they have one of the better post divorce relationships.
And they are not outliers. Friends and acquaintances have similar experiences.

There should be a mandated six hour course or something before a divorce takes place telling the soon to be x spouses like it is; If they put themselves first they will only hurt themselves and their children. You may be right that your x was in the wrong. You may be justified in alienating him or in jockeying for position with the kids. But you are shooting yourself in the foot and it may take decades to realize it.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:06 am

amother Amethyst wrote:

I wouldnt generalize or paint all situations with the same broad brush.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:46 am

amother Hydrangea wrote:

So you can forgive your ex for cheating but cant forgive the grandparents their feelings?
Isnt there a way to understand the grandparents and still be mesamaych the Kallah?
Honestly, if the Mother of the Kallah wants her ex there to honor the Kallah, the Mother should host the Shabbos Sheva Brachos and invite all.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 10:48 am

essie14 wrote:

Her husband displayed major maturity. You'd never go along with it? What exactly would you do, break the shidduch at that point?

amother

Hydrangea

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:47 am

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

Whether I can or cannot forgive my ex for cheating is irrelevant. The only thing that matters to me is putting my child first (particularly in a situation that actually IS all about her/him) and doing what is in my child's best interest.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 12:26 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

And if the grandparents lack your strength of character and cant hide their feelings, they are making the wedding about themselves?
Not everyone can be controlled even for the sake of the event. I went to one wedding where the kallahs mother didnt like the Kallahs sisters dress and they had a big blowout fight by the badekin, in front of everyone. The kallah had the strength of character to ignore it and we all followed her lead, It blew over. They remained close. I imagine the Kallah has had much practice in this area whether she liked it or not - hey we get the family we get and they arent perfect.
Another wedding the grandmother thought her daughter (the CHassons mother) dress was trashy and said so at the tenaim, again, the Chossons mother didnt respond and peace was maintained. The chossons mother remained a dedicated daughter.
Older people have the tendency to get angry or say critical things. Its a fact related to the aging process. Im not saying its right but its a fact.

Since the OP cant change her parents and I would strongly suggest before the wedding dealing with the feelings, even to the point of the ex apologizing to the grandparents for whatever his sins (for his daughter benefit, even if he felt justified in whatever the scenario was that led to the divorce...).
If the OP really wants her ex there for the Kallahs benefit, let her thank her parents for their offer to make Sheva Brachos but host it herself and invite everyone.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jun 21 2023, 12:48 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

And then the grandparents won't come?

OP, is it possible for the father to just come during the day and maybe stay somewhere else for the night?

And split the Shabbos Sheva Brachos with the father attending one meal and the grandparents another?

The OP is between a rock and a hard place.
If its possible to get them all to make Shalom before the wedding - even if she has to get their Rav, a good therapist or a close family friend involved. That will solve the problem long term.

I know one similar situation where the maternal grandparents invited the ex to come for a conversation before the wedding so they can clear the air, make boundaries that would make everyone comfortable. The ex ( who had been a Mesarev Get for years ) decided he didnt want to go to the conversation and he didnt show to the wedding either.