Father of bride not invited to her sheva brochos

PinkFridge

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 8:43 am

Highstrung wrote:

True. But as a grandparent you would think they are hosting the Simcha for their grandchild. Instead they are making it about them and their own feelings and grievances and totally not taking into account the feelings of the kallah.
I was mostly estranged from my father by the time I got married . But , it was a once in a lifetime event that I wanted him to be a part of . If someone stopped me from having him participate it would have taken away from my Simcha. I would have felt awful and it would have only been a horrible way to start my first week of marriage . Adults don’t realize that children of divorce want their parents in their life and especially milestones . It doesn’t matter what terrible horrible things this father did. If this is what the kallah wants , please be mesameach the kallah and stop being selfish and disrespectful.

I think that any dialogue with the grandparents has to be respectful and meeting them where they are. No one should call them selfish or disrespectful; that will shut down any dialogue. Say that we are so looking forward to these sheva brachos. Can you invite Ploni? It will make the kallah so happy and I think we can trust him to behave himself.

And if they say, we want one part of the simcha to ourselves without him, I would have to say, let it go. The discussion doesn't have to stop exactly there, maybe one can try a few more lines (imasinger, can you write the script?) but I really think that after that, let the grandparents have their way.

amother

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 9:48 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

I hear you OP.
To everyone else, if the ex cheated on the wife and the kids also know this, why does he deserve to be invited? He willingly chose to destroy his family and now needs to live with the consequences. How are the parents of the wife supposed to invite a man that ruined their daughter and grandchildren’s lives?
I don’t know OPs situation but we have this situation in our family, it’s heartbreaking.

He didn't cheat, no, but did something else, and yes, my parents haven't moved forward yet while I have.
He has not had contact with them for years, while I remained in contact with my x in laws forthe sake of dc

amother

Gray

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 1:56 pm

So why would your ex be invited to the sheva brachos?

I'm trying to understand why it's even a question....

Is there anyone at the event who he has a relationship with besides for the chosson and kallah? Any friends of his?

Did you get divorced within the past few years?

(I'm guessing that's why your daughter wants you and your ex at all her sheva brachos; she grew up with her parents living together, expecting both of them to be at all her sheva brachos, and now she's upset that the reality is different from what she expected.)

amother

Celeste

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 3:01 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

Whoever is paying gets to decide who’s invited!
They making the party they get to make the list of invited guests.

Nope. Whoever the party IS FOR gets to decide who is invited.

And anyone who is paying and uses that to control the guest list regardless of the wishes of the person the party is *for* is being selfish, narcissistic, and proving that they are only doing this for their own kavod and to feel in control and generous - and not for the chassan/kallah/etc. at all.

OP if it is your parents making this sb then you need to speak up and say that he may be your xdh but he is your daughter's father and she wants him there and she is the kallah so it is her choice.

You saying this does a few things:
- it is more powerful because you are his ex-wife
- you are the bride's mother, and sticking up for her interests even if they aren't exactly your own
- you are protecting your dd from even more stress and showing her that you care about her and that you have her back
- your family, because they are YOUR family, is more likely to listen to you than to her
- you are protecting your dd from being told that it's not kibud eim to invite her father

Please step up to the plate, maybe with your current husband if you have one, and tell your parents that if they cannot respect the kallah's wishes then they will not be making a sheva brachos for her.

And THANK YOU for being the mom that wants what is best for her daughter even if it is not comfortable for herself.

amother

Celeste

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 3:03 pm

amother Gray wrote:

Simple. Because daughters want their fathers at their lifecycle events. Because as a daughter she still wants a relationship with her father.

Why does it even matter WHY the kallah wants what she wants, why do you think it needs to be analyzed and justified and judged whether it is a worthy or legitimate request? She is a kallah and she wants her father at her sheva brachos, nothing could be more natural or understandable Why does she deserve any less than any other kallah just because her parents are divorced?

amother

Celeste

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 3:14 pm

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

Perfect Solution!!

BTW I would venture a guess that the ex wife/ Kallahs Mom would be just fine with that.
I will let you in on a secret:
Some divorces didnt end amicably. Some ex'es didnt get closure to the extent that they can "get along for the sake of the kids". Its easy to tell someone to just fake it. Not everyone can. We arent perfect.
Some ex'es behaved poorly (sometimes its the wife and sometimes the husband) even after the divorce and emotional abuse continues even after the divorce.

The child can have a great relationship with each parent but not together.

Every divorce situation has its own circumstances. Why one rule for all??

You're missing the point.

This isn't about which parent gets to be there. This is about the kallah feeling surrounded by both her parents' love, attention, and caring during her sheva brachos party. This is about the kallah knowing that her parents care enough about her and her happiness to be able to put aside their disagreements for an evening to celebrate with her.

Two separate sheva brachos, one by her mother's family and one by her father's family, each with only one parent in attendance - is just painful for the kallah (or chassan). Very very painful. (Of course if her mother's side wants to make a sheva brachos and both her parents are there, and her father's side wants to make a separate sheva brachos and invite both her parents, that is just extra love and celebration. But two separate parties so that each parent gets to be there but don't have to see each other - who is the one being celebrated here? Who is at the center?)

I'm very sorry but if two adults in their 40s or 50s can't be civil to each other for a single night, can't take a photo with their daughter and new son-in-law one night, can't just love their daughter more than they hate each other for a single night - then they are incredibly selfish, egocentric, incredibly immature, and should never have become parents.

The one rule for all is that the child is in the center. You don't fight with your ex/ ignore your ex/ etc. at your child/ren's expense. Ever. Period.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 3:36 pm

BTW, sometimes people really didn’t consider it from another’s perspective and a gentle reminder really helps.

When I got married, my parents did not want to invite one grandparent because they didn’t get along with her. I did get along with her, and I asked my parents nicely if she could please come, it means a lot to me, and this is my once in a lifetime shabbos sheva brachos. My parents really listened, and agreed I’m right, it is my sheva brachos. It was just a perspective they hadn’t considered.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:19 pm

Only read a few responses here, but I will emphatically disagree with them. DD is shocked. Really? Why would OP's parents want their ex-son in law there? There will be plenty of sheva brachos he can attend. He's a big boy and will get over it. And I don't care if it is dd's sheva brachos. If she can't understand her mother's or grandparents feelings on the matter, then it is time for her to grow up.

amother

Copper

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:20 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

This is really harsh. It’s about the kallah. Not her parents or her grandparents.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:27 pm

amother Copper wrote:

This is really harsh. It’s about the kallah. Not her parents or her grandparents.

Good for you if you have never been in a non-honkey dory situation.
My dd's father in law was not at my dd's bedeken because then he would have had to be within a few feet of his ex (whom I believe He wronged). So she got a bracha only from my dh. My dd has no grandfathers so there was one male to give her a bracha.
To accommodate my machatunim, my husband walked down with my son in law instead of his dd (which ofc he wanted to do) so that the divorced couple wouldnt be forced to walk down together.
That's called UNDERSTANDING!
Just because it is dd's sheva brachos doesnt mean she gets to act like a 5 year old who doesnt understand that even at her sheva brachos, the entire world doesn't revolve around her.

amother

Copper

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:45 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Sorry but you’ve pegged me wrong. There has literally never been anything hunky dory about my life. Both I and my husband were divorced before. My husband was not invited to his daughter’s wedding. Because his ex didn’t feel like it. And her parents egged her on. Meanwhile, I invited my deceased ex’s grandparents and family to my daughter’s wedding for my daughter’s sake (and no it was not amicable- I did it for her) because she wanted them there. I have a step sibling who insisted her divorced parents walk her down together- and they did it. Adults grow up for their kids’ sake. It doesn’t make them 5 year olds or selfish.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 5:59 pm

amother Copper wrote:

It does make the kids selfish. Just because it is your wedding or sheva brachos, doesnt mean the world turns on everything you say.

Highstrung

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 6:05 pm

amother Copper wrote:

Not only that , but a child of divorce has to grow up way before other kids . In addition , their lives to the child’s mind revolve around their parents , not themselves. They are busy going to and fro for visitations , always trying to please both parents , walk on eggshells around parents (in non amicable divorces) and never do they get to think about themselves much. However when it comes to their own wedding and Sheva Brachos , it’s finally the one and only time that things actually revolve around them. It’s their one and only opportunity to make the decisions and speak up for what they truly want and for what will enhance their Simcha. To say that they are acting like self absorbed 5 year olds , is completely inaccurate and shows a lack of understanding what children of divorce live with constantly.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 6:10 pm

Highstrung wrote:

And in a lot of cases, the parents got divorced when they were already adults or near adults.
And with regard to the bolded: really? this is the first time in their lives that things are revolving around them. That has to be a small minority of kids of divorced parents. This is the most spoiled generation in history.

amother

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 7:44 pm

I can understand both sides. .my parents are obviously hurt and not over xdhs behaviour yet. He's not been in their lives for many years, so why now.
They can make a choice (whom they invite) just like xdh made a choice how to lead his life.

However

Dd doesn't want to look different than other young couple whose parents both are at their sb, she's felt different for plenty years and if it can be done, why not.....I also font know if my dss would attend the sb if their father isn't invited.

So who will get their way?? It's not in my control, I'll just hear all the complaints...

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 7:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sorry, not sorry. I am so tired of people not wanting to look, act, have differently than other people. For G-d's sake. Stop looking at other people. I just find this mind-set to be mindboggling. You just got married! Be happy!

amother

Tue, Jun 20 2023, 7:58 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

No need for you to be sorry. I assume you have been in the same boat as them and have an understanding of extra vulnerability due to a sensitive and adverse background and why they just want to look as normal as possible, like an intact family.

For this young couple that's what's important, for others it's the fanciness of the sb, or the gourmet food and theme.
Each to their own.